Friday, October 06, 2006

OH Happy Day! It's Fan Letter Friday!!!!

Dear Sienna,

I do hope you have time to look up from that mountain of fake snow you have your face buried in to read this letter. First, I'm going to ignore the fact that I think Jude Law went into my aunt's closet and swiped her blazer. She's been looking for that for months, much like YOU should be doing for your pride Sienna dear. Are you really dating HIM (her) again? Let's recap on your choice shall we?

Jude Law facts:
divorced from his first wife for CHEATING, had a party once where his poor child accidentally swallowed some E and had to be taken to the hospital and finally, got caught boinking it up with his nanny by one of his children, while he was ENGAGED TO YOU.

I suppose if you wrap that all up in a woman's blazer from Mervyns, he is indeed, one attractive motherfucker. And you were also quoted as saying that:
"monogomy is overrated, we're fucking animals!"
I guess a little nose candy and denial makes one a very forgiving person, but riddle me this. How much are you exactly snorting to resort to fucking animals?? Are you and Jude THAT kinky? Are you talking about like Old McDonald had a farm, moo moo and woof woof animals? or are you lovingly referring to the prostitute that is your boyfriend? Actually, come to think of it, getting freaky with Fido would hygenically be cleaner than standing near Jude Law's dirty Brit stick. But hey! Whatever floats your boat Sienna. If you like snack on "spotted dick," then go to it girl! I'm pretty sure you can cover those fever blisters with a lil' dab of concealer.

What do I know right? I'm just writing this letter because my aunt wants her blazer back from Jude...after he drycleans it...because I'm pretty sure that her blazer, and clothes in general, aren't normally sticky and smelling of vomit. Unless you're Nicole Ritchie's size -2 dress that is.....

Love, Me.

Dear Paris,

I was taken aback at the news that you were punched by Shannon. I mean, how could SHE?!?! Sure she wasn't completely divorced from her husband yet when you kissed him, sure she has kids with him and sure, your vacant stare does trigger an urge to punch you in the face but still.......

I can't believe she did it before I could!

But I see you're no worse for wear, and really I'm not surprised. I figured that your super lethal, super charged, veneral disease concoction that flows through your veins has made you invincible toward mere punches by a human being. Shannon Doherty couldn't do it and she eats puppies. So I highly doubt that Shannon Moakler was going to do any damage. In fact, she's a brave girl for having her skin come into contact with yours. Last I checked, her hand hasn't completely rotted off, so I'm guessing she barely grazed you. She did tell me that it now burns when she pees and that her urine is bright pink. But really, that could be had just by standing next to you. So I guess there's just no stopping you Ms. Hilton. You are the queen roach and the the "Dirty Sanchez" of Hollywood.
You linger, you feed, you grow and there's no washing you out with Clorox.

Don't touch me.

Love, Me

Dear Matt,

For months now, I've been in awe of your continued support to let your abs breath. I've been relishing every single paparrazzi picture of you taking your arms and abs out for a nice, breezy run with that look on your face like, "shirt? What is this "shirt" that you speak of?" I have been the biggest fan of your "Free Abs" cause. In fact, I even made yellow rubber bracelets to show my support.
I think you've now gone to a very bad place. In amidst all this "no shirt" action, you might have caught a fever that has creeped into that sexy brain of yours. How do I say this without hurting your feelings my dear Matt? How can I say that you are starting to look like a schnauzer? Mind you, a HOT ass schnauzer, but a schnauzer nonetheless. Or maybe Moses on steriods. And the backwards TURQUOISE bandana? While I'm certainly pleased that Aunt Jemima let you borrow that, I'm thinking it probably wasn't the best fashion choice you've ever made. So please Matt, you can totally abandon shirts, by all means, you can abandon your pants (they're quite stifling you know), and I'll be your biggest supporter, but don't abandon "razors" and "combs" okay? Showers are good too..after all the sweating and what not. Plus, the downfall of looking like Big Foot is that you won't be able to run in public like you do now because Jude and Sienna will rape you mercilessly and go for your dog.

(psst. They "like" like, I mean, "like like," in a way that's frowned upon by animals AND humans........yeah. THAT kind of like...mmm hmmmm. Now shoo!! Go Shave!! )
Love, Me.

Dear Carter Brothers,

I hated Backstreet Boys. I don't even KNOW who the little brother is, except for the fact that he looks like a skinny little shit that could use a good a good kick to the head.. ....repeatedly........with a steel toed boot....that belongs to Shaq....
However, I think I might be sucked into your new reality show. This is some classic t.v. people:
(Carter Brothers Fight, please..if you know what's good for you, you must watch this)

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!!! And if you get the time, please send over some "good luck" vibes. (Can't really go into detail. work related and such) But I need all the god luck vibes I can get today.


Anonymous said...

OH dang. That Carter clip was mizzed up. I wanted to be entertained, but now I'm just sad.

Miss-Informed said...

So FUNNY! Them Carter boys are from the hood NO DOUBT! In my house growing up it was a good thing when the younger brother had to take out the trash! Hmmm. Oh & BTW, I am a proud owner of a Schnauzer and I must say the likening of "Matt" is hilariously and disturbingly shocking. Woof, woof.

Miss-Informed said...


J. said...

Blogger ate my comment again.
This sucks ass.

Anyway, GOOD LUCK!

(I'm not typing all that stuff again)

coryandfarah said...

Dirty Sanchez! Damn, what doesn't Wikipedia have on it!? Funny post, Elaine.

coryandfarah said...

Oh, yeah, and GOOD LUCK! :)

Kim said...

Yeah, so we have this brown t-shirt in our line with a Mexican dude on the front. I named it the "Sanchez".

And that Carter show. My oh my. They'll give a reality show to anyone these days. All I can say is that if I smoked, I'd for sure light my cig with the stovetop.

CP said...

Those Carter boys are ridiculous. First of all, why are they both still living at home??? Second, they are arguing over...Paris?

Do they NOT read FLF???

Good luck, babykins.


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm trying to find tha PH pic distasteful. But I can't quite do it.

Madonna said...

Wow, I just thought Dodger Blues made up the term "Dirty Sanchez" so they could give Duaner Sanchez a funny nickname. I had no idea there was such a thing...

Or that it was so nasty.

Good luck!

tooners said...

sienna looks like death warmed over! she and jude are obviously way into drugs and that's prob why she keeps going back. i had forgotten, until just a few days back, that jude is the one that had to rush his child to emergency cause he swallowed an ecstacy pill. do you remember that one? great couple, these two!

and paris, paris, paris. i think the wifey poo should have messed her up in a big way!

good luck to you. hope things work out for the best!

NeverEnough said...

I SWEAR TO GOD YOU ARE THE BEST ELAINE!! Unbelievable. Every part of this was just fuckng excellent!!!

Anonymous said...

Stomping foot with hands on hips (yanno - that sassy look)
Where the fuck is my comment from Friday?

I don't know what I said, but it was all witty and shit...

I'll say this:
We read Elaine's page.
Hilarity ensued.

You are the best!

msshallan said...

I TOTALLY thought you were giving up on FLF and I must say I was a little disappointed but as always ya came through for me! Those were great...WISH Paris would have gotten something broken!

Softball Slut said...

It's Shanna Moakler, not Shannon just FYI. Sorry I loved Meet the Barkers. I wish she had put a beatdown on Paris's skanky ass.