A Billion Dollars.......

*I would make sure that the term "BILLS" no longer existed in my family's lives...and some of my friends too.

*I would spend a year traveling around the world. First stop? Italy of course, but then I'd be afraid that my massive weight gain from eating gelatos and pasta all the live long day would affect the performance of my private jet upon take off. So maybe we'll save Italy for last.....

*I would pick a fight with Paris by challenging her to a spelling contest.

* I would hire a group of headhunters to track down and capture those "fine" individuals who are involved in human trafficking and sexual slave trades (ESPECIALLY those involving children). At some point, I would have to find someone to get medieval on their asses because I think just "going to jail" is the biggest injustice ever. It's farfetched and so NOT legal, but with a little help from the mob, I think we could provide some good "fertilizer" for the mojave desert.

* I would buy my dream car and have X pimp it out. (An International Scout, convertible with a huge lift, and maybe a nice sound system and a couple of dvd players inside. That way I can be extra distracted while driving 80 mph on a packed, California freeway.) OH and I would make it so that it ran on trash and bananapeels ALA Back To The Future Part Two.

* I would buy an island...or two.

* I would ask Bill Gates why he can't afford a hairstylist as we hob nob at the billionaire luncheon.

* I would have a Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors in my kitchen and in every kitchen of all my houses.

* I would randomly give money, buy houses or cars for strangers every couple months. (Elvis would be proud of me..)

* I would HAVE TO hire a personal trainer and chef. With a billion dollars, I could justify eating some fried crap on a stick for every day of the week.

* The Madonna Suite in my house would actually BE Madonna's suite. Because you KNOW with a billion dollars, I wouldn't have to break a leg and swallow it for Oprah in order to meet her.

* I want a Panda. Because...they're cute...and they eat sticks...and goddamn it China hoards all the Pandas! I just want ONE.

* I would have to buy that cave in Alaska that Brad always wanted...except my half of the cave would have heating, room service and a Plasma T.V.

* I would produce a movie starring ME, Natalie Portman, Reese Witherspoon, Sally Field (Gidget..I love her), Joyce Dewitt (Janet hasn't had any work in a while), Jack Nicholson, Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Duvall, Johnny Depp, Anthony Hopkins, and a couple more I haven't though about. I don't know what the movie would be about exactly, but I just want those people in it. It could just be a movie about me meeting all of them for dinner and getting drunk, who cares about box office gross?!?! I HAVE A BILLION DOLLARS!!!

* I would dive in and roll around naked in a pool of jello just to see what it felt like.

* I would have an on call helicopter to whisk me away. I would especially like to utilize my handy dandy helicopter if I was in the middle of a boring conversation...

boring person: "blah blah blah blah blah"
me: (punching helicopter button that shines a helicopter picture into the sky...yes..just like Batman, very good kids.)
boring person: "blah blah blah OH MY GOD! WHAT'S THAT NOISE!?!?"
me: (jumping in my helicopter and flying away from the boredom.)

* Polkadonna: WORLD TOUR.

* I could go on and on with this list..so I'll just stop.