Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Most Interesting Person I've Never Met...

That girl in her car yesterday, screaming into her cell phone. I was actually behind her and all I saw was her hair violently shaking around, as if she was trying to keep her anger in. On occasion, a hand would flail about in contempt and then it was like she remembered that she was in her car and people could see her so, eventually, she sat on her hand.
I'd like to think she was screaming at her boyfriend for leaving an infant sized turd in her toilet that he conveniently forgot to flush and was later discovered by her mom, who made a surprise visit later that day. When her mom discovered she wasn't home, she let herself in anyways, because you know..that's MOM. After having had a grandetall gordito Caramel Macchiato, she had to take a mean piss and had a near fatal heart attack when she discovered the biggest turd she had ever encountered in her life. It appeared to be coming out of the toilet and attempting to stand up on its own, so immense was this turd. After collecting herself, she attempted to plunge the turd down the toilet but only managed to turn the entire bathroom floor into a brown sea of sewage. Disgusted, her mom vomited into the tub as the toilet runneth over with shit and the air filled with the smell of feet, cheese and a rotting carcass. Her mom wondered what her daughter could possibly be eating to cause such an immense monstrosity of a poop. She immediately called her daughter to lecture her on her bad diet habits that obviously involved a block of cheese a day, because what else could possibly hold a massive crap like that together but cheese...and maybe a can of corn? Her mom also informed her on the benefits of flushing and that ladies never leave turd babies to lie about in the toilet for others to discover. After an hour of lecturing and recommending several types of Preparation H for her daughter's overworked rectum, she cleaned up the bathroom to the best of her ability and returned to her house, satisfied in the fact that she was a good mother who was there for her daughter through thick or thin or, in this case, through green apple trots and brick pies. Meanwhile, her daughter, angered by getting lectured over a ass bomb that wasn't even hers, called her boyfriend and threatened to leave the relationship if he kept dropping his oversized kids off at HER POOL! Because, who forgets to flush a toilet after getting raped by your own shit? Did you just forget that you crapped out a car? Who walks away after that? Selfish bastard. I bet he forgot to wipe his ass too!!

OR

She could have been yelling at her boyfriend because she discovered that half his friends on Myspace were half naked chicks with plastic boobies.....

OR

..maybe, just maybe, I like to make stories up about the people around me while I sit in traffic in order to avoid the urge to push on the gas, swerve hard to the right and plow into that motherfucker in the bright green Acura who keeps trying to inch his way in front of me as his road merges into mine. (phew.. run-on...take a breath) You KNOW the fucking road merges asswipe! There are signs all over the place! Don't be gettin' all fast and furious over my way because I will run you over with my truck!! I mean last I checked Vin Diesel wasn't 55 and did not have a receding hairline. Midlife crisis havin' piece of shit! FYI: Midgets in lifted vehicles are a force to be reckoned with. Especially when I'm menstrual. People were lucky that I didn't turn that freeway into a impromptu monster truck rally.

That's another blog rant for another day my friends....

The End.

8 comments:

karaoke queen said...

Living in Japan I no longer have to drive one of those torture machine cars in insanely clogged traffic on hot/cold days with no aircon/heater/patience. Thank fucking god!! I'm sure when I get back to North America I will happily climb back in - for a little while anyway - cause they have nothing that even resembles a proper public transportation system compared to Japan. Aaaaaah. Subway.

J. said...

I'm pretty sure I better not post any more "ratemypoo" links for you.
LMAO.

popfizz said...

you've got a wee too much going on in that little head of yours.

Kim said...

The speed limit here is 25. Nope, you didn't misread that. I said 25. And if you go 26+, you get a ticket. And if you dare cut someone off, or exhibit road rage of any shape or form, you will be reading about yourself (identifiable by license plate number and make/model/color of car) in the town paper's "Miscellany" section.

I miss road rage so, so much!

Anonymous said...

Yo! Good job.

I do much briefer scenerios: I'm driving pass cute guy and (of course) he wants me, but I don't even look his way. His hopes are dashed. This happens many, many times.

I'm pretty easy to entertain.

Anonymous said...

Potty humor doesn't usually make me laugh so hard...then again I've never created a fake scenario featuring such large poop.

Anonymous said...

i cannot stand those fuckers who try to merge in at the last minute when the lane ends.. I'd rather accidentally rearend the car in front of me than let those pricks in.

Riss said...

Definitely I think it was the Myspace thing. Those hoes.