Saturday, September 30, 2006

Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow....

* I found a talking bear on the internet the other day that told a gazillion fairytales, asked kids questions and responded to their answers. (I think after 9:00 pm, it also made some wicked martinis for the parents). It was soft and cuddly like a regular teddy bear which made me think of poor ol' Teddy Ruxpin. Mr. Ruxpin is probably sitting in basement somewhere with a dirty Speak N'Spell and a Strawberry Shortcake doll with no head as I type. I'm sure he thinks these new fangled bears with their intel chips are a bunch of good for nothing, pampered pussies, since he had to take it up the ass with a cassette tape. Not to mention the fact that the only "soft" about Teddy Ruxpin was his head.

* I recently went back to school via online to get my Bachelor's degree in Fashion Merchandising. I already have my Associates so I figure I'd finish that puppy up for no reason other than to rack up even more $$ on my student loan. I'm only a part time student right now, which basically means, at the rate I'm going, Maddy and I should both be getting our Bachelors degree at the same time. I almost forgot how colleges stick you in useless classes in the beginning, just to suck your FAFSA/Stafford Loan dollars and apparently, online colleges are no exception. Right now, the class I'm taking is "Strategies For Learning." I mean, seriously, what the fuck? I'm paying for this bullshit class? At least they could offer classes that would be useful out in the workforce, such as, "Strategies on how not to stab that know-it-all kiss ass in the neck with a pencil." or "How to Refrain from Peeing in the Office Coffee Pot" or (course that should be included in every college) "How To Shuffle the Same Stack of Papers for 8 Hours and Look Busy"

* Don't ever clue people in on your social coping mechanisms because, inevitably, you'll use one of these coping strategies on that person and they'll call you on it. For example, my friend told me that she gets a little stressed out at gatherings of any sort that involve more than two people. She told me that sometimes, she smiles, nods and zones out for entire conversations. I later went out to brunch with her and another friend and caught her zoning to another planet in the middle of my very moving and touching story about home loans. She had a big smile plastered on her face and laughed at all the appropriate moments (very impressive, an expert "zoner" obviously); however, her "I just took too much LSD" zero blink stare gave her away. I once told my friend that if you hear me say the words, "Nuh uuuh!, Shut up!, Crazy!" in that order, during a conversation, that usually means I'm not listening to the person talking to me. Wouldn't you know it, a couple days later, here's our conversation:

Friend: blah blah blah blah!!! I mean, really! Can you believe that?
me: Nuh uh!
Friend: YEah! Totally, and blah blah blah blah!
me: Omigod. Shut up!
Friend:(pause) you're not listening huh?
Me: No.

* Downing a whole bottle of cough syrup is probably not a good idea. (As tempting as it may be when you're not of drinking age.) Some say you won't puke. Trust me, you will and years after the incident, you will instantly dry heave at the smell or taste of "artificial strawberry." Some also say that it makes you feel like floating...and it does...but you also end up slapping various body parts just to see where they are and if they're still there. Not attractive and quite painful when you're trying to find your head. A friend of mine told me all this by the way, I'm just passing on the information folks....

* People who are good singers should not sing at karaoke bars,its annoying and not at all entertaining. If I wanted to hear good singing, I would just listen to my cds. The fun of karaoke is watching someone who's drank too many long island ice teas attempt to sing "Love Is A Battlefield."

"We are STRONG! No one can tell us we're....um...oh dude, I totally forgot...hey! that scroller thingy is going by too fast. oh! Oh ! Oka...here we go.. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD!!!! YEAH!!!! Love is SO a battlefield. I hear ya PAT!"

Then they start adding their personal shit...

"No one can tell us we're wro-ong!!....Yeah, especially YOU Paul, you motherfucker! You can't tell me I'm wrong! I'm right bitch! And I don't give a shit if you have a new girlfriend. She's a fat cow! Have fun fucking a cow asshole!!!"

Pure entertainment.

Oh and currently, Wierd Al Yankovic is my favorite rapper:

8 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Heck yeah. Post-secondary education is the BIGGEST racket going.

Not big oil, not Wal-Mart, not Pharma or Tobacco...

Education. Biggest rip off going.

Judy said...

If you ever need it, I can be your online teacher for the "How to look busy by shuffling around paper"...and for you, it's free :)

I love that Weird Al video! It was hilarious!

jali said...

OMG - I HATE the professional karaoke singers. They make me want to take my name off the list of drunken fools. Once the DJ yelled, "this isn't fuckin' American Idol and you ain't gettin a record deal." Funny night.

I'm singing "Love is a Battlefield' right now. A coworker just poked her head out of her office - I'd better shut up!)

Anonymous said...

I space out when people are talking to me ALL the time. I feel like such a shit, but then again, they shouldn't be so boring...lol

tooners said...

i zone out too and nobody knows it. in the past, i've had ppl wave their hands in front of me like "hey are you there" and i'll say "whaaatttt"... but they have no clue! ;) ppl who zone are usually really good at it. coping mechanism.

karaoke queen said...

LOL! I am one of those people that you hate :D Hehe. Thus the moniker 'karaoke queen'. But I can't help it! Its a natural talent I tell ya. And sometimes I'm the drunk chick yelling stupid stuff too, I can just reach the high notes unlike the other drunk chicks - LOL!

NeverEnough said...

Ahhh the angry karaoke singers - love them!!

And Pat Benatar rocks!

Madonna said...

Teedy Ruxpin. Damn, I'm getting old...

Karaoke? You know, I've considered getting drunk, and showing up and singing parodies of the songs.. You know, like make them think they're going to hear me sing "Lucky Star", but instead they get "Unlucky Tsar".. Muahahaha!