Schilly willy! I LOVES me a HILLBILLY!!!

(this post is a little late, but whatevah..)

I discovered my fascination for Hillbillies when I fell in love with the King of all Hillbillies:


Elvis fascinated me. First with his name (Elvis?), second with his obnoxiously loud taste in clothing, cars, jewelry, (hillbilly with money. see: Britney Spears) third, his drawl. My dad used to call it "eating words," he would wonder about folks who "eat their words" whenever he encountered a person with a twang. Fourth and most importantly, his fascination and love for bacon. (eight pounds of bacon a day in the late seventies.. Elvis took his bacon seriously.)

I was personally fascinated by these individuals who "ate their words." Swagger and Twang to me meant Elvis and cowboys. Cowboys meant squinty eyed guys who looked tough. I was intrigued by ALL of this, (by "intrigued," I probably mean "attracted." I knew those guys were nice to look at, I was just too young to explain that "funny feeling" I got whenever I spotted a dude in jeans, a dirty shirt and rough hands... le sigh)

Then, as luck would have it, we moved from the Philippines to Kansas when I was seven and in a blink of an eye, I was in Hillbillyland! I'll never forget my first crush. His name was Ryan. He wore flannel shirts and he was the biggest guy in our 2nd grade class. I remembered he talked about "bucking hay" with his dad, mind you I had no idea what "bucking" or "hay" was, but damn, he was cute talking with that twang of his. So I nodded and feigned interest while I took in the eye candy. (yeah a second grade chick checkin' out the dudes in class.. I was a little advanced for my age.)

Then we moved to California where the only dose of Hillbilly I got was watching my Elvis tapes (remember VHS?) or checking out the Marlboro guys in the magazines, (even though I knew that the hot, squinty eyed cowboy on the cover probably had lungs as black as his ten gallon cowboy hat.) But in California, Hillbillies were hard to come by and so I had to go to the not-so-next best thing: Jocks. I gave up on my dream of delving into the world of the Hillbilly and resigned myself to the fact that a city boy is what I was going to get.

Until of course that faithful night in Tijuana, when I pinched a Hillbilly in the ass, whom I later called my husband. (come on folks, you all know THAT love story by now dontcha'?)

"You're a what?" (Nuclear Engineer in the Navy)
"You're from where?" (Missouri)
"What did you do in Missouri?" (I used to wrestle in high school and I also worked on a dairy farm when I was a pre-med in college).

Heart stoppage......could it be?
could it?
A (GASP) SMART..Hillibilly...JOCK!?!?!?!?


DING DING DING!!! Lord Jesus and Josephat, we have a WINNAH!

And my dream of learning more about Hillbillies came TRUE.

While married to this man, I am constantly discovering interesting little Hillbilly bits and facts such as:

*They cook bacon , save the grease and use it to cook something else! Hubby once heated up (fried) some leftover breakfast biscuits that were cold. When I took a bite, I knew it was no ordinary biscuit. It disgusted and thrilled me that pig fat could make something like "bread" so orgasmically delicious.

*They call the saved bacon grease "the good grease."

*Gravy does not come from a can or jar. You can actually make it. It's also considered a major food group in some states. Either way, my rule is: pour that shit over everything.

*When a Hillbilly says; "You're about as useful as hen shit on a pump handle" - He's really saying you're incapable of doing anything.

*When a Hillbilly remarks that her face "looks like it got hit with a hot bag of nickles" - He's really saying that the individual he is observing is physically distasteful with regrettable pock marks on their face.

*Squirrel tastes a lot like chicken. Only cuter.

*Going out of town means driving 30 minutes away from your house. Traveling internationally is going to the city. Going out of state is space travel.

*Hillbillys are NOT Rednecks. Being a hillbilly simply means you're ghetto...but from the country. Rednecks however, are those who have meetings in cornfields with a pillowcase as a hat and who like to "keep it in the family" when it comes to relationships.

* "I tell ya what" can be added in the beginning of any statement, question, person, place, or thing.

* The word "going to" does not exist in Hillibilly land and is replaced by "fixin' to." This is my personal favorite since it adds a little flavor to whatever I'm saying. I can't tell you the fear I have instilled in others when they see a Filipino girl tell them that she's "fixin' to" kick their ass sideways. Of course by "fear" I mean a "amusement mixed with pity." I'm also pretty sure my plastic cowboy hat adds to the intimidation.

.....oh and bucking hay means picking it up and stacking it in the barn. The term "bucking" comes from back in the day when they threw the hay onto a buckboard wagon.

One day, I hope to share my entire diary of Hillbilly discoveries to the world.....

Thank you dear husband of mine for continually educating me on all things Hillbilly and the wonders of bacon grease. (seriously folks, fry a piece of paper in it and tell me it isn't the best, artery clogging piece of paper you've ever tasted...)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE HILLBILLY!!!
(..now go wrangle me up a bacon and jelly sandwich...)