Friday, September 15, 2006

Rack of Ribs, Rotten Pastrami and a side of Cheetohs please...

Hey Lois, Skeletor, Kate or whatever your name is,

Normally, seeing a woman's breast would be no big deal to me, in fact, I occasionally enjoy seeing a boob slip now and then and playing "real or not real" with my hubby; however, yours isn't quite so enjoyable. Why you ask?
Hmmmmm, maybe, just maybe, it's because your "boobs" look a lot like grapes on a cd rack or prunes taped onto a xylophone. It's no mystery why Orlando Bloom broke up with you, he was sick of getting his finger stuck in your rib cage everytime he tried to cop a feel. (Oh and I told him Necrophilia was just wrong, wrong, wrong.)
So listen, continue on with your diet of cigarettes and 3 grapenuts a day because lets face it, you're no Nicole Ritchie, but please, before creaking down to greet someone, cover your bits girl. I understand that exposed ribs in Hollywood is as chic as carrying a Prada bag, but for us normal folk who chew and swallow "FOOD," its not very pleasing to the eye.

Have a great day Crackie.


Dear Lindsey,

Roast Beef Monthly called. They want you as their cover girl!
(CLICK HERE for the unrated version and prepare for slight eye bleeding)
I know that the Herbie movie you were in didn't make that much money, but I KNOW you've got enough cash to front for some undies or even edible ones to put over that thing that looks like it went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. On the bright side, at least it's your crotch and not Paris that they took a picture of. I'm pleased there's no open sores, gnats, bats or crabs making their daring escape in this picture, then again you're bald as a baby down there, so really the crabs are screwed cuz' they have nothing to hang onto. Thank goodness technology hasn't come up with a smell-o-screen because judging by the look on your face, you're either about to vomit from the odor or about to vomit.. because....well, isn't that what everyone does after they eat? DUH.
I'm positive the smell emanating from firecrotch mountain isn't pleasing. I'm guessing hot pile of chum a landfill....during the summer...with 90 percent humidity.
Either way, lets cover up the meat accordion shall we?


Dear Britney,

YEEEEEHAAAAAA! Congratumalations on your brand new baby and the fact that your other little tater tot Sean P. made it to his first birthday with only a few bruises!! I'm sure the Federline Trailer is a happy place to be nowadays. But before I bust out the taco bell, cheetohs and kool-aid, let me give you a few mommy tips so you don't go droppin' this one on his head again......

1. When you leave the hospital. DON'T FORGET THE BABY. They usually wrap him up and hand him to you on your way out. This is not a talking taco bell burrito. It is your baby. If you have to scribble "baybee" on the blanket with a sharpie to help you, feel free.
2. No matter what Kevin says, you can't trade the baby for a pack of smokes and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I've heard that's frowned upon in many states.
3. If you're holding a glass of water in one hand and your baby in the other and one of them is about to fall, grab THE BABY, not the glass of water. Remember, Grab baby, NOT water. I know it's as confusing as right foot ONLY on brake and gas, but try to remember. Or hey, how about buying one of them new fangled stroller thingys?? I heard those are pretty convenient.
4. Rear Facing child seats should face towards the REAR of the know what? never mind, I'll come over and install it for you. Can you please clean up the back seat though? I can't install the seat properly with KFC buckets all over the place.

Oh and save the placenta, Tom's coming to pick it up next week.
Don't ask questions. Just had over the placenta and back away from the Holy Cruise.

Love, ME.

Okay, seriously you guys, the celebrities this week are boring the hell out of me. I had to dig through my favorite skeletons and hit the usual suspects yet again because NO ONE is doing anything worth my time. I'm just waiting for my crazy Tom to quit playing straight and bite Katie's head off. (she has fulfilled her purpose after what if it's Chris Klein's baby?).
Tom bite someone soon.
Then all will be right with the world.

Have a great weekend everyone!!


Softball Slut said...

I love Fan Letter Fridays. You are so witty! I heard Kate's nipple was in there somehwhere in the pic but I never did see it.

Kim said...

Thank god for my trusty wedding message board "friends" who blew up LiLo's snatch to prove that photo was photoshopped. Something about a rainbow of color down the middle? Huh? Whatever. All I know is that she is a dirty whore.

CP said...

i live for FLF.

isn't that sad?


karaoke queen said...

Yikes! I saw that pic of bosworth on another site and nearly vomited then. How the hell did she become lois lane??

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

problem is Linday Lohan's acidic cootchie juice desintigrates just about any conventional underwear fabric.

tooners said...

ok, this pic of Lindsay is disgusting! Is she trying to be another Paris Hilton? Is she so stoned outta her mind that she doesn't realize her panties wentta missin?!!!
And then the girl on top... someone needs to shove some food down her throat.. but w/ all the drugs these hollywood girls/guys are doing, no wonder they're so stick thin!

NeverEnough said...

I don't know what was funnier - "grapes on a cd rack" or "meat accordian". My vocabulary grows every single time I read Mailbag Monday. Thank you!

Madonna said...

Supposedly, the Lohan picture is a fake, but it was Howard Stern who claimed that. And Howard is, well, Howard.

I keep waiting for hers and Britney's 15 minutes to end myself.

J. said...

Holy shit you crack me up girl.

Ick to the boobs, LL's cootch and I'm still giggling my ass off at your letter to the Feder-dings. Too funny.

I hadn't seen that Chris Klein thing either. Hmmmm....

You know I depend on your ass for all my celeb gossip. heheheee

Elaine said...

softballslut: I think her nipple fell completely off..nothing to hang on to.

kim: I heard that the first photo of lohan's crotch was fake but this one was real..either way, it makes for some funny bloggin. haha!

CP: LOL! Oh Cp, I do it all for you my dear...

Karaokequeen: I ask myself the same question. I guess its a tradition to hire an anorexic skeletor to be lois lane in Superman Movies.. (I said the same thing about margot kidder! I was like, that chainsmoking train wreck is Lois lane!?!?)

hootch: Aaaaaah, I didn't think of that! I feel kind of sorry for her now. Acidic and coochie should never be in the same sentence

tooners: Crack is the new diet. anorexic is the new hot. Its all gross and sad.

Neverenough: I'm hear to educate the masses after all.... ;D

Madonna: they've both dragged out their 15 minutes to a half an hour.. they've got brilliant publicists/agents.

j: the chris klein thing is suprisingly accurate. Click on Chris Klein's name and it will link you to the whole consipiracy theory.

popfizz said...

im going to move your page bookmark from my "favorite blogs" to my "favorite porn" folder.

jali said...

I bow to your absolute posting superiority - you are the shit!

You say slow week - I say great stuff!

karaoke queen said...

OOOH OOOH, my friends went to the Madonna concert here in Osaka the other night. They said it rocked. I was jealous. And I thought of you.

Anonymous said...

the beef grower's association called me and requested i contact you with the following message:

"we beef growers object to the reference you have made in your recent post concerning ms. l's pervits. these bear no resemblance whatsoever to our fine, healthy, and delicious product. in fact, the very comparison of the two makes beef growers everywhere slightly nauseous and worried for the state of our society. please desist in these unsavory comparisons. for the love of god. sincerely, the beef growers association"

got it, girlio?
see you on oprah...someday.

Riss said...

That first picture is beyond scary.