Friday, September 22, 2006

The Drama! The Intrigue! The Sex! Its juz anotha Fan Letter Friday!!!

Dear Justin,

Hey Mr. Macho. Let's turn it down a notch shall we? Instead of bringing "sexyback" let's bring "justin back" just a tad, k?? I know the papparrazzi has some nerve taking pictures of you in public with that troll you date for charity. It must be so so hard ...... all those flashing lightbulbs in your face. How do you keep going on day after day with that kind of torture? Truly you are an oak.
I see how it can be distressing; however, I don't think throwing your purse at them is the answer. Do you know how positively intimidating a ex-mouseketeer and boyband member looks when they get all riled up in a cashmere, Donna Karan, long sleeved, fitted tee and plaid Vans? You should see yourself Justin. It's a wonder that the papparazzi didn't soil their pants after seeing what an attack dog you can be. Thank heavens your girlfriend benches more than you and had the testosterone to hold you back. Next time, just remember to breath, take your purse back from the walking carcass that is your girlfriend (and btw, please share your makeup with her, she looks like she's bringing "fuglyback."... ba dum dum) and go to your happy place.
Do you remember you happy place Justin? Remember when you were the only boy who entered a beauty pageant and won? Remember all the 12 year old girls who cried afterwards?

Bitches. That sash and trophy had your name written all over it.

Remember the happy place Justin. Go to the happy place.
(Psst, its the same place you go to when you're having sex with Cameron...wha? wait? Tom? Is that you? What are you doing in Justin' s happy place?!?!?!)

Love, Me.

Dear Bobblehead woman,

I only write to you because you're married to famously hot soccer dude Mr. Beckham. How you managed to wrangle up that piece of hotness, I'll never know because you remind me of a greasy burnt corndog. First, remember to SPRAY on the tanner and not SWIM in a vat of it. Because you see, "spraying" it on gives you the illusion of a tan, but what you're doing looks as if you're waiting to be deep fried and served next to a mound of french fries. And maybe Mr. Soccer man wouldn't cheat on you so much if you didn't leave bronze smudges on his thighs everytime you "suck" him back into the relationship. That tanning glue is some hard shit to wash off, even if he does shave his legs. Second, how about smiling and letting the public know you're a human being and not a wax figure that made a daring escape from Madame Toussaud's museum? I realize that after getting botox to your entire head, it must be hard to have any kind of facial expression besides your patented "Blue Steel" pose, but maybe if you smile and move a little, the pigeons would stop shitting on you all the time. Third, electrician's tape is not a proper replacement for a belt. or cumberbun or whatever the hell that thing is you wrapped around yourself to keep your insides in, skeletor.

Love, Me.

Dear Pam,

Please for the love of God, don't ever talk about "consumating" your marriage to Kid Rock. Please. Just stop. Those of us who aren't Nicole Ritchie eat daily and we'd rather not have that visual on our heads. If for some insane reason we wanted to induce projectile vomiting, we could easily go to a local fair and watch carnies jerk off in the portapotties during their break. We KNOW you have sex Pam. If I'm not mistaken, isn't having sex with every single penis in the world and spreading Hep C your career of choice? You having sex is about as surprising as Star Jones having a third helping of mac n' cheese at the Hometown Buffet. And while it's heartwarming slash terrifying to think that you and Mullet McTrashy are taking a stab at procreating, we don't need you to talk about it in public. Plus, after catering to Tommy Lee, I can imagine Kid must feel like he's putting a needle into a barrel. He doesn't need the added pressure of you blogging about his mean, sex life.
Oh and when you get out of the shower, remember to take the towel off and get dressed before going out. Judging from the picture, I see that I'm a tad late on that fashion advice.
Okay, how about this?
Next time you go into the shower, maybe you should teach the hubby how to take one. Tell him showers make you "smell nice" and "itch less."

Love, Me.


Oh Yeah!

Blah blah blah.. Have a nice weekend.. blah blah blah.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find batteries.


Softball Slut said...

Ummm drooooll Matt. Thanks for putting it at the bottom of the post or I would have never scrolled down to read the rest of it. I just had to read really fast to get away from the top picture.
As usual your shite is just the funniest

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You having sex is about as surprising as Star Jones having a third helping of mac n' cheese at the Hometown Buffet.

...Zingo! That was so worth it.

I just heard JTs Sexy Back. I like it. The wife was shocked that I hadn't heard it before.

Kim said...

Thank you for making my Friday with that last pic. That's all.

Laurie said...


Nobody does it like you do it, you BAD ASS MEAN ASS BITCH!

I love it!!!

Don't ever stop.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

JT shoulda gone with the ninja slippers instead of the plaid vans.

Miss-Informed said...

Cameron Diaz has a catfish face. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock look as though they swop V.D. Poor Posh Spice has the look of selling her soul. Like the walking dead. Mathew needs to get outta the water, there are sharks who'd love to eat that tasty morsel.

Anonymous said...

Kid Rock is a disaster. my friend thinks he's like the hottest thing on two legs. I don't have the heart to tell her I think he looks like a homeless dude.