Monday, August 07, 2006

Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy

* Did you know that if you drink blue Gatorade and red Gatorade in the same day, your poop comes out bright green? Yeah. A friend told me. I was ..I mean, SHE. SHE was shocked when I...uh....SHE looked down and saw glow in the dark floaters.

* Why do some lesbians go out with other lesbians that look Clint Howard? Personally speaking, if I was a WOMAN who happened to dig other WOMEN, I would go out with a person that OF COURSE looked like a woman. (who was smokin' hot so I would be the envy of all the girls on my softball team). So I don't understand going out with the butchies at all. Because really, aren't you just a few "inches" away from dating a man?

* You know those ginormous fat people with bellys so big it covers their private parts? When they have sex, do they have to........move it out of the way?!?? (aaaannddd I threw up in my mouth a little. Very nice.) I guess when you're that fat, you're just happy and relieved its still there. Like seeing a long lost friend...who smells like cheez wiz and feet.

* When I'm in the shower, I wonder what other people do in the shower. I'm fairly boring. I do the regular ol' soap and wash, shave the things that are looking a little kiwi and practice my Oscars, Grammys and MTV awards speech..its always good to be prepared, because its cheesy to bust out a piece of paper when you're up there. Plus, where would I even store the "thank you" list in my Vera Wang gown?
oh and sometimes I do some air accordion.

* With the "leave us alone" Harpo emailI got over the weekend, I've been pondering about how I will behave if, by some sweet ass chance in hell, I did get to meet Madonna. I'm definately going to try and play it cool because who wants someone screeching and licking their face? However, I'm not so good at "maintaining" the cool, so I have a feeling that the bloody scream that I would be trying to contain will creep out in really wierd ways, like slapping myself in the middle of our conversation and yelling out "AYE CHIHUAHUA!" or suddenly jumping up and burying my face in Oprah's hooters while I yell, "Brrrrrrummmski" (you gotta roll your "Rs" for the best effect... thank you hootchandcootch).
You never can tell. Midgets are unpredictable like that. Which is why Oprah should hook me up because Couch Jumper Cruise ain't got nuttin' on me! So keep the dream alive and bug Queen Oprah for me will ya???

* What the fuck was I talking about?

* YOU KNOW God has a sense of humor (and creativity!) when you see a beautiful person who has a sibling that's a complete troll. A perfect example of this was a girl I used to know in high school. (Susie for my highschool peeps reading this blog). She was a beautiful girl. Lovely skin, nice body, great hair, petite, a cheerleader, the chick that dated the "juniors and seniors" when she was a freshman. Guys loved her and girls ..well..we wanted her to grow giant boils on her forehead that would eventually pop, causing massive amounts of puss to cover her face and smother her.. or maybe that was just me. Her older sister however was a beast of MANNISH porportions. She looked kind of like Susie.. if Susie had somehow grew up on a toxic waste dump that caused her to lose her breasts, suck up all her sex appeal, grow a big giant man chin and a teeny weeny that would make an appearance here if her jeans were snug and the light hit it just right. Oh and she was a BITCH...but now that I think about it..
I would be a angry ass bitch too if I had to tuck and tape it down before I got dressed.

* Star ate Suri.

* yet another reason why I love me some Japanese people, (saw this little ditty on Osaka Daze)

and finally, put the lotion in the bucket.


jali said...

Are you sure the poop wasn't purple? If it really turns green then there's some very weird shit going on in the system. I only really check out the corn poop - it always amazes me.

Now I have an idea - corn diet! If my body won't absorb the kernels then I should be able to eat all I want and still maintain my diva. Hmmm.

J. said...

Okay, the cheeze whiz thing really grossed me out.
How long do you think before I get THAT visual out of my head?
Thanks Elaine.

Kim said...

Holy $hit. I just laughed so hard at your troll older sister commentary. How in the hell did you even remember her?! Of course I remember the beautiful younger sister, but had completely forgotten about the older manchild. That's F'n funny...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I've always wanted to visit Japan. That's one more reason.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Oprah is pretty picky about who she lets play with her hooters (Stedman and Gale). However I think the brumski may be your secret weapon. For added affect, shake your cheeks back and forth when rolling the r's.

karaoke queen said...

Ooooo, green. My favourite colour!

djmetronome said...

what if I want to "get the hose again"...??
I'll keep the lotion to my damn self, that's what.

NeverEnough said...

So sorry about the gatorade :) I can see Star eating Suri too...

Have to re-read this post now!

Some Random Girl said...

cheeze whiz. nasty. thanks for the smelly mental pic!

QUASAR9 said...

What can I say
The vids just well ...

Not sure it makes for a greatchat up line though " Darling can you snap cheesesticks with your arrrrs cheeks ..." or maybe it works in Japan.

QUASAR9 said...

I'll have to second
lightning bug's butt

Man you were made for Japan!
You'll go down a treat with a nickname like that

mist1 said...

I'm with jali on the purple poop thing. I learned about that in pre-school.

Elaine said...

Okay people I KNOW BLUE and RED make purple smartasses; however, blue Gatorade and red Gatorade coming out of the poop shoot mixed with digestive juices is/was GREEN.


I'm just reporting what I (she) saw.

Thank you.

NeverEnough said...

Poor Susie. Or was she the good looking sister? That's funny Elaine!