Thursday, August 10, 2006

Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded. F.L.F welcomes you...

Dear Val,

My eyes they are a burnin'!!!

Not burnin' as in DAAAAMMMNNN, who's that hot ass guy?!?

BURNING as in FUCK! How come the "Iceman" turned into a melted ice cream cone?!
How come Batman ate Robin?
Tom Cruise got YOU pregnant TOO?!

Oh please let the burning stop!!! It hoyts!

However, I do appreciate the little things in this picture.. like the fact that your belly (liver) is keeping your shorts on and that your arm is conveniently covering the asscrack that I assume is also out and about enjoying the ocean breeze, much like your hard nipples. (Hmmm, did you spot a lonely six pack of Coors on the ground Val? A box of Fried Chicken beckoning you perhaps?) But yes, I do appreciate these little favors of chance, for if I had to see your pregnant belly, your flatcrack and your vienna sausage and prunes all at THE SAME TIME, I would have but empty sockets filled with smoke. ......AND THEN I would have to go get TWO glass eyes to replace the ashes that were once my eyeballs..... and honestly, my health insurance would call it "cosmetic" and I would have to pay for those suckers full price.

So yeah.
Thanks for that.
I guess....
Excuse me.. I gotta go massage some ice cubes on my poor, poor eyeballs.

Love, Me.


Dear Suri,

OH thank God it's YOU! It's really YOU!!!

Or its a blanket.
Or its a curtain.
Or its someone's hand making a shadow puppet of a baby.
Or its someone's hand on a cabbage patch doll.
Or its Katie's hand on a alien baby.
Or its an alien's hand on an alien baby.
Or its Tom Cruise's hand testing the tenderness of the baby to see if its ripe for gnawing. (He finally ran out of placenta juice and all that sucking on Katie's soul is making her dry and mealy.)
Or...OR.....maybe Katie was finally coming to her senses and making a mad dash for the door BUT the Super Suri tested out her new alien baby powers and drew Katie back into the lair to fetch her another bottle of daddy's breastmilk!!!


Well regardless, Nice to you see you?

Love, Me.


Dear Lauren,

I had to write again and say Brava girlfriend! BRA! VA! Not only did you skip the Paris internship for the 40 year old thing that you called your "boyfriend." (Which, by the way, how much fucking facial hair can a 19-ish, 20 year old asswipe grow on ONE FACE? Seriously. Did you not introduce him to a razor? How about WATER? and SOAP. He always looked like he was covered in his own crusted up spunk on that show.....but I digress...) but I heard through my midget sources (gnomes) that you ALSO GOT A TATTOO of his NAME! I'm sure having "Tagged by the Sasquatch Pimp" on your ass is going to be a bitch to cover up now that you two have just BROKEN UP.

This is a my final letter to inform you that your vagina has officially been revoked. Please place it on the table along with Denise Richard's vagina and kindly depart the premises.

Please note that we went out of our way not to take such drastic steps. We attempted to replace your brain with a normal one that actually works and didn't roll around in your head while you walked. But remember the time Sasquatch McSpunk was teabagging you and you sneezed? fell out and rolled under your bed....then Tom ate it.

My deepest regrets,


Dear Matthew,

So what is going on?!?
No more Penelope?!
You're single?!
You've quit doing movies?!
You're too good to shave now?!
You've given up on shirts?!
For what?!?!?
To jog around Malibu, doing sit ups on the beach and getting all hot and sweaty??!?!?!?!
You're just going to work out all the live long day!?!?!?!

HOORAH! Keep up the good work.

Yippe Kye McConaugHEEEEYYYYY!!!


Yeah, only four letters this week.. its a slow (boring) celebrity news week. I was going to congratulate Jen and Vince for their engagem...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....but yeah, see what happens when I write about those two? I wanted to write to Paris again, but last time I wrote that bitch a letter, it burned when I peed. And I guess I could have written a letter to Nick Lachey and asked him how that Filipino pie was tastin' but I'm thinkin' ANYTHING has to be better than that spongecake he was married to right? (*high fives Minillo*)

Finally, pray that Mother Thirty doesn't come sneaking in tonight and stealing the perk from my boobs and spunk in my step. Oh wait..thirty is the new twenty though right?!! Then, never mind. Pray that I can score a fake i.d. and some booze! ;P



Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laurie said...


1 - Ack. Honestly. WTF happened??? IT looks like he's having a litter of pups.

2 - who cares??

3 - DUMBASS 19 year old.

4 - WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!!!!

30? Do'st my ears deceive me? Girl....30 rocks. Trust me.

Oh...and you have 68 days.

Until my 36th.

Get to shoppin'.

Piece of ass.......OUT

Dark Damian said...

Damn, girl! Break out the lumpia, 'Laine is gonna be Dirty Thirty!

I'll be 35 this year. I don't wanna hear it.

1. Val. Being a star does not entitle you to expose yourself needlessly like this. Although that female manatee WAS scoping your ass out, dawg. Get them digits.

2. Ever watch "The 4400"? I'm convinced that Suri is Isabelle, and that Katie Holmes is like 68 years old now. And Suri can fly.

3. Whatever. It's minute #14 on her fame.

4. Oy vey.

Extra: Minillo is straight hotness, no sugar needed. Way to trade up, Nick! Uh, you got Jessica's number, homie? I hear she needs a friend. A black friend.

jali said...

Please - no more photos of my Val when he's looking like that. I'm replacing that image in my head with Doc Holliday (his sexiest best). I'm trying to replace them..shit! I can't get rid of that image.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I think Val Kilmer ate Tom Cruise.

My wife had a big crush on Matt. Now I see why.

karaoke queen said...

Val, what the hell have you done to your sexy self.....Maybe he is trying to rid the world of scientologists and ate John Travolta as well and absorbed his super pudgy powers. Thank god for Matt. Mmmmmmmmm. Matt. (drool)

HULA77 said...

OMG I just cannot stop looking at Val! How totally depressing! I'll do my best jali to picture him as I'm-your-huckleberry Doc.

Kim said...

And to think that I used to worship Val's perfect lips back in the Top Gun and Batman days... WTF happened?!?! NASTIER!!!

On another note, happy birthday! Have a great big cocktail (or five)...

Softball Slut said...

Tom Cruise got YOU pregnant TOO?!

Ohh EEE hhaaaahhhaa THat's some funny shit right there.

THEY BROKE UP? WTF? WHen did that happen? Dammit my sources went on strike assholes

Softball Slut said...

Oh, and have a wonderful birthday!! Drink lots

NeverEnough said...

Matthew is too beautiful to shank - so happy you recognized that!