Friday, August 25, 2006

Crazy Is The New Hot!

Dear Joey Lawrence,

How did you manage to look like Daddy Warbucks, Mr. Clean, a devil worshiper, my big toe and a bouncer at a gay club all at the same time? and WHAT exactly is this evil spell you cast over me that makes me think that you're

SO.

FRIGGIN.

HOT.

My lust for you has been a secret and quietly contained in the back of my mind under all other things that I'm ashamed of (speaking of which, how is my, "Love for Payless Shoes and Hulk Hogan" doing back there? Tell them I said hi!) And although your cheesiness factor is on a level so high that you leave a snail trail of cheese wiz on all your endeavors, I find myself secretly following behind you with a box of Ritz Crackers and a bib.
But this time, your creepy chrome dome will be on T.V everyday again via Dancing With The Stars. I'm afraid that amidst the twirling, the high kicks and the glare of studio lights bouncing off the top of your head, my love is going to burst forth and be known to all the world. I don't know if I can contain my Lawrence Love anymore! Why do you do this to me Joey? Why do you make me feel like a lovestruck Six? Why do I want to rub that crazy bald head of yours? Do you think you still dance with a midget humping your leg?

We could soon find out.

WHoA!

Love, me.


Dear Paramount,

Speaking of crazy... you DARE cut ties with Tom? The man who's fattened up your wallets so tight that you got panty lines from your depends?!?!?
YOU DARE SMITE upon the CRUISE-A-TRON?!!

Riddle me this oh' Paramount execs....

-What do you call a man who believes that we're all infected with bitter old alien seed?

-What do you call a man who will jump on Oprah's holy couch to profess his super straight love for Kate?

-What do you call a man who throws Good Nature vitamins at postpartum depression and spits upon Matt Lauer's so-called "good journalism" and expensive Armani suit?

-What do you call a man who has made the word "Glib" a worldwide phenomena?

-What do you call a man who's urine cures cancer and who's vitamin rich poop can feed a small Cambodian village?

Three words: YOUR. WORST. NIGHTMARE.

Be careful Paramount Execs and check under your beds, for I see an anal probe in your future.

Viva la Crazy.
Viva la Cruise.

I love you Tom.
(beeboobop beebodlgrrple knock ding ding wala wala shiZaaaaM!..you know what that means. wink wink.. gotta glow in the dark strap-on with your name on it baby...give me a call.)

Love, Me.

Dear Rosie,

Hey congrats on getting that slot on The View. Truly.
Congrats. Hurrah of all hurrahs and all that crap.
I'm only sad that Star's saggy ass didn't stay around for the chubby, butchy fun.

However, I'm writing you this letter to remind you to take a small baby step back into the closet. Less "opinions," and more funny please ..oh and less fried chicken girl.. you lookin' a little swollen. Call Nicole Ritchie. Her willpower is admirable, if not life threatening.
Last but not least, remember, you're not the boss anymore. Be careful.

Barbara bites.

Hard.

Your girlfriend told me.

Love, Me.


Dear Britney,

I was not surprised that, when you introduced your leech to world on the Nick's Viewer's Choice Awards, you were, yet again, chewing away on a piece of Hubba Bubba bubble gum like it was a piece of cud. I was not at all surprised that you chose to wear a nightie that could barely house your motherfunbags. I wasn't even surprised when your husband's debut failed to register an emotion out of me besides a mild case of nauseau before I quickly turned the channel.

Not surprising of the Federlines. It is, perhaps, what we have come to expect from Hollywood's Favorite Trailer Couple.

However, I was surprised and a slightly amused by the fact that when Jessica Simpson asked to kiss your belly. You looked her up and down like the ghetto ass you are and told her "Oh HELL NO!!" before waddling away and leaving her coughing in your Cheetoh dust. At first I was taken aback that, with you two in the same room, a supernova black hole of idiocy didn't open up and end all of mankind. After getting over that initial shock, I was...dare I say.... a tad... PROUD!?!
Proud, that as a mother, you FINALLY realized that your love for pork rinds and K-Fag's love for Archie comics will, unfortunately, be passed onto your brood.
Why risk getting Jessica's Dad's herpes on your belly on TOP of all that? And what IF Jessica's powers of stupid is SO incredibly strong that, by the mere touch of her lips, it will somehow pass on her penchant for canned tuna (chicken?) to your unborn child?
So, congratulations Britney, for showing us evidence that, even though most of the time it is on "idle" (or "off"), your brain does work indeed. (sometimes).

Love, Me.


That's it.
I'm spent.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!

17 comments:

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Best first line in a blog entry... EVER!!!

Hootch

ps. mofo does look exactly like daddy warbucks

Softball Slut said...

I laughed out loud so damn hard. That was friggin funny. All of IT!!

Jenne Lou said...

This is why I love Fridays!!

That was great.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You should be getting paid for this, Elaine. If your blog were a weekly rag, it would sell millions.

Ana-chan said...

HAHAHAHA
I love the one bout tom cruise!

Miss-Informed said...

Follow him with Ritz crackers and a bib...FUNTASTIC!!!!

Another fab Fan Letter Friday.

Julie Jewels said...

Holy cow! Blogger is letting me leave a comment on your blog! It only took a freaking 1/2 hour for the comment window to load, but patience won out over tossing the computer through the window! LOL

Ok, I adore JOE (ahem..he is not Joey anymore!) but he's scaring me with that bald head of his! LOL

How on earth can you be so sweet, have an adorable cutie pie of a daughter and be so ding dang funny too? You are a wonder machine, Elaine! Love you!

CP said...

It is official.

I am in love with you.

CP.

NeverEnough said...

I can't figure out which was funnier, Tom Cruise or Rosie! Seriously, you are the funniest bitch writing nowadays and I bow down to you!!!

karaoke queen said...

Ya know, sometimes I am sooooo happy I dont have north american tv. Other times I want to cry. I am not sure which time that is now. Either way, Brits, get outta the trailer park, and congrats Jessica for ditching your boob ogling incestous daddy.

Yasamin said...

hahahahaa! @ the CRUISE-A-TRON!!! thats just hilarious.

jali said...

See... you're so fucking funny that I'm willing to line up to be your bitch.

I loves me some "Dancin' wit' da Stars" - learning that Master P is indeed as stupid as he looks was important to my growth.

Hmmm. Joey Lawrence - what show was he on? Gotta go Google I guess.

Dark Damian said...

Don't front on Six. My love for Jenna Van Oy is well-documented...by me. The booty on that woman....mercy. I would intentionally hurt myself, and rehab on her ass. I would.

'Laine, you so crazy.

C said...

I like the Nicole Ritchie comment. Will power is deadly!

Webmiztris said...

VERY funny stuff!

I can't believe that is Joey Lawrence. WTF happened to him?

Lynnlaw said...

Yes, what ever did happen to Joey Lawrence? I kind of want to make out with his...head....what's up with that? But then you likened it to your big toe....which kind of freaks me out a little and takes a little of the tingle away.

Oh well, honesty IS the best policy, right? Excellent blog. Found you from Jali.

Mala said...

read this and fell down screaming with mirth. my ass now hurts. thanks.