Thursday, August 03, 2006

Aneurysm Fridays. So many idiots, so little time....

Dear Lauren,

Do you know how much I want to take my midgety paws and squeeze your head off right now?! or wait, you're a little too tall for that. ....Fine! I would gnaw on your kneecaps until you were my height!!! Because I KNOW you didn't just choose to stay with your boyfriend instead of go to Paris and intern for TEEN VOGUE. YOU didn't RIGHT?
BUT yet..yet.....somehow YOU DID!
"But laine, Blah blah blah, its going so well between us, blah blah!!"
First of all, if its going so damn well with you and your boyfriend then YOU KNOW that hairy backed mary will be there when you get back! Its not like you're leaving for YEARS! You're leaving for the SUMMER. TO PARIS!! So wow, a lifetime opportunity most girls would club baby seals for, thrown out the window to get an uneven tan with your gorilla boyfriend! Good job loser. AND! AND! If your boyfriend was any kind of man, he would not have even ENTERTAINED the fact that you choose him over an internship in Paris. He should have helped you pack your bags, slapped your ass as you got on the plane and bid you OR ReVOyR! SaYAwNARA! or Get the HELL ON!

Why are you making me lecture you like I'm yo momma?! Why are you making me do this? Do you even realize I'm turning THIRTY next week!? I don't want to be doing this adult lecturing bullshit with your ass because frankly, I'm feeling old enough nowadays! But its apparent that I have to do it. So here we go. Now remember, this is definately going to hurt you more than it hurts me. Sit down, put on your big girl panties and unglue yourself from your boyfriend for one damn minute.
here we go...

1. DO NOT schedule your LIFE around a penis!!!
Please write this on your hand with a Sharpee.

2. Quality penis is drawn to women with depth and character. Its like a moth to a flame. You shouldn't have to forgo opportunities in order to "keep" your boyfriend. (Quality penis is also drawn to Tom Cruise...but that's completely out of our control)

3. Depth is obtained by choosing what you're most afraid of and kicking its ass. NOT by reading US Magazines and watching MTV!
Wait. What? Who said that?

4. Character is obtained by stepping out of your comfort zone and choosing the harder path that's filled with shit as opposed to the easier path of staying at home with mommy and daddy til' you find some
one else to wipe your ass for you (poor future husband).

How do you do all THIS you ask?


...heart palpitations. heart palpitations.. breath.. breath.
You done made me breath heavy gurrlll.. shooot....and lookit that..
I'm starting to have ebonic shakes..

Sniff..and to think you were my favorite richie poo poo.
I can't even look at you right now.

Piss off,

P.S. I can't wait for Laguna Beach to start.....

Dear Mel,

Oh Mel, Mel, Mel...I'm so very disappointed in you. Aren't we a little TOO OLD to be partying it up Tequila style with groupies? Aren't you married with 50 kids? Didn't you say you were card carrying, Jesus lovin' Christian? Did you KNOW that driving with an open bottle of Tequila in your car isn't just "frowned upon" by the police? And chewing out the Jews? Really? In 2006? IN HOLLYWOOD? Um..You realize Hitler is NOT in power and he hasn't renewed his lease on Auschwitz for quite some time, PLUS the fact that HOLLYWOOD is run by, oh I don't know.. producers, directors, casting directors.. in other words, JEWS! Biting the hand that feeds you the Matza Balls of money you get per picture is stupid on an Anna Nicole level. (FYI: the highest level of stupid! Congrats!) So no more heaping helpings of potato latkes and marshmallow dreidals for you Hitler Jr...tis a sad day indeed! (why all the food references ?? Because I'm hungry and Jewish people make yummy food. Step off.) Enjoy your new career of selling Star Maps on Sunset Boulevard. Befriend the post-op and pre-op "ladies" of the night that walk the streets there as well (Ryan Seacrest tells me they're really gentle, so you have nothing to worry about). And this is totally off topic, but is that your mugshot or your new headshot?? You even screwed THAT up.
A Nick Nolte you are NOT my friend! THIS is what a mugshot is suppose to look like:


Love, Me.

Dear Makers of The Grudge,

Lets forget the fact that after watching The Grudge, I simultaneously pissed and shit on myself and then wallowed in my own filth for two hours because I was completely enthralled by the nightmare that was that movie. Lets also forget the fact that for three months, I thought that little hissing Chinese boy was going to jump out of my tub everytime I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (Damn you all and damn that hissing freak of a little boy!) Yes, lets forget my regrettable experiences and focus on the fact that I have recovered from your movie and my pants are now poop free and I am able to pee in the middle of the night without bolting back into the bedroom midstream. So after ALL THAT mental anguish that I have recovered from, what do you guys do?

The Grudge TWO!?!

OH. MY. GOD. I JUST SHARTED a little looking at this picture........

Why? Why would you do this to ME!?!?

Haven't I suffered enough?

So when is it coming out again?
(No worries, I bought some Depends this time...from Costco... Its all good.)

Love, Me

Dear Joe Simpson,

I've been meaning to address you about this comment YOU made about YOUR DAUGHTER:

“She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!”

Is your wife bothered by the fact that you'd rather look at your daughter's boobs than hers? Did Nick and Jessica really break up was because Nick couldn't stand the fact that he got your sloppy seconds? Are perchance related to Woody Allen?
Never mind that you actually acknowledged the fact OUT LOUD that your daughter has big tatas, but you called YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, (gasp)..."sexy." Ew! Ew! Double Alabama Ew!
If my dad had even once said the word "your" and "boobs" to me, the fiber of my very soul would shrink and come forth from my mouth in the form of VOMIT!

So to sum it up.. you're a sick sick man who should be sportin a mullet and living in a trailer somewhere in Alabama.

Please step away from your daughters.

Love, Me.

HAPPY FRIDAY and have a great weekend everyone!

Oh and don't forget...


(ignore the girl in the middle throwing up imaginary gang signs..its no one you know..)


Laurie said...


you are SO gangster.

No lie.

Miss-Informed said...

Word Up! " Come on shortee if you think you can role..."

Loved Fan Letter Friday, AGAIN! I was pissed at LC too, Jason isn't worth doggin' out P*A*R*I*S! Whateva! I am crackin' up over Nick Nolte's RESPECT pic, too FUNNY!

CP said...


I love fan letter (aneurysm) Fridays. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thanks for showing props to us Jews. Nazi Mel is just not nice.

And thank you for addressing that creepy assed Joe Simpson. If my father ever acknowledged that I had breasts, I think I would pass out. Truly.


IDigHootchAndCootch said...

driving all hammered do you get the impression that Mel still thinks he's Mad Max? I think Wesley Snipes suffers from that delusion and walks around thinking he's actually Blade.

Dark Damian said...

Gang signs, or the hand symbol for "The Shocker"?

You decide.

NeverEnough said...

Laughed my assed off again! Elain, you rock. And I ABSOLUTELY respect the true alcoholic, Nick Nolte!! Mel is just a wannabe partier who always says the wrong damn thing...

djmetronome said...

wow...lots of yummy enthusiasm on this one...bravo.

Riss said...

He really said that about his daughter? Um EEEW. I'm literally 3 seconds away from throwing up all over my keyboard. Nasty fucking incestuous family.

Kim said...

I got weirded out a couple years ago when my Dad asked me if I lost weight. Dads just aren't supposed to notice shit like that. I couldn't imagine him commenting on my boobs. Eww.

Nick Nolte is hot. (barf)