Midget Musings

* I think my brain likes to screw with me when it's bored. I walked by and read an obscure little ditty at the bookstore about how the captain of the Titanic got dressed up before he sank with his ship. My brain automatically offered me a visual of an old sea captain in a red ballgown, with sparkling diamond earrings, twirling around in a sinking ship singing, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and ... glub, glub, glub." I tried to stifle my laugh since A. I was in a quiet bookstore and B. I wasn't even near a book to pretend that I was laughing at that. I wasn't quick enough and a loud "HA!" came out.
Strangers around me slowly backed away from the midget with the tourettes syndrome.....including my husband.

* I can't take red headed guys seriously. A guy could have arms the size of barrels, sport obscure tribal tattoos on his face, be 8 feet tall and have a penis that he can swing over his shoulder, but somehow, if you top all that with red hair, he's instantly a leprechaun.

* The whole Swiffer line is pissing me off. First I buy the regular Swiffer and they come out with the Swiffer Wet Mop. So I buy the Swiffer Wet Mop and then they come out with the Swiffer Vacuum. So I guarantee you the minute I buy the Swiffer Vacuum, they're going to come out with Swiffer Air Freshening Roomba Febreze Sanitizing MopVac with a built in trash compactor and candy dispenser.

* I seriously need an Ipod, especially now that I'm back at the gym. I tried to be clever one time and just play songs in my head cuz' I don't need them thar new Ipuds! I gots me a free one in my head schee? But without fail, I'll forget a lyric or something and then my brain will remix it and segway into that song that was playing when Daniel was kicking ass at the Cobra Kai tournament in Karate Kid.
("You're the best! The Beeest! Nuttin's ever gonna keep you down! You're the best. The beeest." ......Don't act like you don't know it.)
Who even SINGS that song?? And who fucking knew that it was my brain's "go to" song?

* Remember the time you were talking dirty to your boyfriend and you both didn't know that the answering machine recorded your whole conversation so then his mom heard the whole gory details about what you were going to do to her little boy? Remember that?
Yeah. That was kind of embarassing.

* My new diet consists of eating a hard boiled egg and a yogurt for breakfast, a half a sandwich and a yogurt or fruit for lunch, rice with chicken or fish for dinner and water or crystal light for beverages. I could eat my arm right now. Please pass the Hershey's syrup.

* I hate to admit it, but I'm a reality show whore. I fancy myself as a reader of many books, a lover of art, and a karaoke vocal artist who loves to engage in discussons on God, the string theory, how we came to be and the ultimate meaning of life....but.. um, can we do all that after "Project Runway?" Thanks.

* My hair has entered Keith Urban stage. Its horrific. Truly. I can't tolerate it anymore. Any hairstyle suggestions for the butch?

* and finally, this post sucks because Aunt Flow is in town. Fucking bitch.