Monday, July 17, 2006

Midget Musings


* I think my brain likes to screw with me when it's bored. I walked by and read an obscure little ditty at the bookstore about how the captain of the Titanic got dressed up before he sank with his ship. My brain automatically offered me a visual of an old sea captain in a red ballgown, with sparkling diamond earrings, twirling around in a sinking ship singing, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and ... glub, glub, glub." I tried to stifle my laugh since A. I was in a quiet bookstore and B. I wasn't even near a book to pretend that I was laughing at that. I wasn't quick enough and a loud "HA!" came out.
Strangers around me slowly backed away from the midget with the tourettes syndrome.....including my husband.

* I can't take red headed guys seriously. A guy could have arms the size of barrels, sport obscure tribal tattoos on his face, be 8 feet tall and have a penis that he can swing over his shoulder, but somehow, if you top all that with red hair, he's instantly a leprechaun.

* The whole Swiffer line is pissing me off. First I buy the regular Swiffer and they come out with the Swiffer Wet Mop. So I buy the Swiffer Wet Mop and then they come out with the Swiffer Vacuum. So I guarantee you the minute I buy the Swiffer Vacuum, they're going to come out with Swiffer Air Freshening Roomba Febreze Sanitizing MopVac with a built in trash compactor and candy dispenser.

* I seriously need an Ipod, especially now that I'm back at the gym. I tried to be clever one time and just play songs in my head cuz' I don't need them thar new Ipuds! I gots me a free one in my head schee? But without fail, I'll forget a lyric or something and then my brain will remix it and segway into that song that was playing when Daniel was kicking ass at the Cobra Kai tournament in Karate Kid.
("You're the best! The Beeest! Nuttin's ever gonna keep you down! You're the best. The beeest." ......Don't act like you don't know it.)
Who even SINGS that song?? And who fucking knew that it was my brain's "go to" song?

* Remember the time you were talking dirty to your boyfriend and you both didn't know that the answering machine recorded your whole conversation so then his mom heard the whole gory details about what you were going to do to her little boy? Remember that?
Yeah. That was kind of embarassing.

* My new diet consists of eating a hard boiled egg and a yogurt for breakfast, a half a sandwich and a yogurt or fruit for lunch, rice with chicken or fish for dinner and water or crystal light for beverages. I could eat my arm right now. Please pass the Hershey's syrup.

* I hate to admit it, but I'm a reality show whore. I fancy myself as a reader of many books, a lover of art, and a karaoke vocal artist who loves to engage in discussons on God, the string theory, how we came to be and the ultimate meaning of life....but.. um, can we do all that after "Project Runway?" Thanks.

* My hair has entered Keith Urban stage. Its horrific. Truly. I can't tolerate it anymore. Any hairstyle suggestions for the butch?

* and finally, this post sucks because Aunt Flow is in town. Fucking bitch.

11 comments:

J. said...

This post so does NOT suck.
I love random spewling.
It cleanses the soul, y'know.
*wink*
Oh, and ummm ... I moved. Update your shit and all that.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I will never eat a hard-boiled egg. Death first.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

My brain's "go to" song is Highway to the Danger Zone by Kenny Logins.

Last year's Project Runway with Jay and the skinny gay guy with chiffon (sp?) scarf may have been the best show of all time.

mae mae said...

i must agree with j.--THIS IS NOT A SUCKY POST!!!!!!

oh, and i too have bursts of laughter at inappropriate moments because of thoughts in my head that would have never occurred to anyone else around me. it happens quite frequently really.

popfizz said...

"I can't take red headed guys seriously. A guy could have arms the size of barrels, sport obscure tribal tattoos on his face, be 8 feet tall and have a penis that he can swing over his shoulder, but somehow, if you top all that with red hair, he's instantly a leprechaun."..

Holy Shit woman... will you marry me!!!??? ...

Already married?!!! Whatever.. can we just hump on occasion??

NeverEnough said...

Great, now I have the Daniel karate song in my head. Thanks a lot Elaine!! I'm gonna be singing that damn song all day...

NeverEnough said...

Great, now I have the Daniel karate song in my head. Thanks a lot Elaine!! I'm gonna be singing that damn song all day...

Elaine said...

j: thanks for the compliments and I'm lovin' your new site!

Lbb: really? No hard boiled eggs for you? I'm not a fan of poached myself. Blech

idighootch: Okay, Highway is a much better go to song than mine, which btw, I have no idea what the title of it is. PR rules, I actually like the one with Santino, I believe that was last season. Can't wait to see the drama this time around

maemae: thanks girl and I'm glad I'm not the only crazy laughing lunatic roaming the malls

popfizz: only if you start blogging again you lazy bastard...;D

neverenough: you have to admit that song IS motivating right? Makes me want to get into the pelican position on my treadmill everytime!

Kim said...

Diets suck ass.

Leilouta said...

" * My new diet consists of eating a hard boiled egg and a yogurt for breakfast, a half a sandwich and a yogurt or fruit for lunch, rice with chicken or fish for dinner and water or crystal light for beverages. I could eat my arm right now. Please pass the Hershey's syrup."

I've been wanting to do the same so I will fit better in a bikini, but I am too lazy to start. I thought I would start today, but then I bought 4 tacos for lunch.I really think that blogging has bad side effects; gaining weight, working less in the house, being less attentive to my husband ...maybe I need a vacation from blogging :)

djmetronome said...

ah yes the ipod dillema...I need my pat benetar/eurythmics fix...or really anthing 80's...

love your post...