I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to see that you're out and about. I'm thrilled that you have decided to become an African American once again. Your nose doesn't look like it got into a fight with a garbage disposal anymore! It still looks a little like a sharp beak, but a vast improvement indeed! I'm also glad you decided to stop dressing like a cruise ship captain, although the denim outfit you're sporting here is making you look a bit tranny..but again, it's definately a step up! What an amazing and remarkable transition you have made Michael, I'm so proud of you!
However; do you think it is really wise to show up at the red carpet with Gary Coleman? I'm sorry but the image of you in the 80's with Emmanuelle Lewis perched on your shoulder on the red carpet (with Brooke Shields tagging along, pretendeding you liked clams and not hot dogs) is burned into my retinas. If you insist on hanging out with Gary Coleman, at least tuck him away in your purse before you prance the red carpet.
In any case, glad to see you're making a comeback!
I understand that whenever a guy sits down, your natural, automatic response is to put your face in his crotch and I totally forgive you for it. How else can a red head get a leg(s) up in Hollywood? But from the look on his face, it looks like he's having a case of the hard tards instead of receiving it from a A-List star such as yourself. I'm confused at your technique. I was thinking that a casting couch regular would have a lot of experience in this area, but then again, all that nose powdering can make a girl forget things. However, I still refuse to believe that you would suck at this. (haha, "suck at this" get it? haha! you're sucking sucks? ..no? never mind) So my explanation is that I think this guy just didn't realize that your Hohan herpes would burn upon contact. Warn the poor man next time will ya, Lindsey? That shit is potent.
OH and by the way, when you come up for air, tell Mr. Man that Eddie Vedder called from the 90's, he wants his hair and flannel back.
Dear Fat Nicole Ritchie,
Okay chubbles, Where have you been my pet? Remember fried chicken, ding dongs and heroin? Stuffing your face full of Doritos and Pez to cover up the pain of being the daughter of the guy who sang, "Dancing on The Ceiling"? Sure you were the ugly friend between you and Paris', but you were also the "smart" friend...which I know isn't an amazing feat standing next to the human blow up doll.. but still, you had that title with just a mere G.E.D.! Not many people can be so lucky. Those WERE GOOD times. GOOD TIMES. Remember having boobs and wearing bras instead of 2T undershirts? Remember when your hair stayed ON your head and didn't fall out in squirrely clumps on the shower floor? Remember "chewing" and "swallowing"? Remember normal-sized sunglasses? Remember having your period??!! Please come back Ms. Fatty McLard. I miss you and your many layers of blubber that would jiggle happily as they cascaded out of your size 5 jeans. I know you're sick of having crack and tic tacs for dinner. I know it. So when anorexia on a stick isn't looking, please have a hearty helping of the chocolate and gravy covered cheeseburgers that I've tucked away in her fifty gallon Coach bag. Its by the toilet.
Eat up my friend. I miss you.
Dear US Magazine,
SO? Are Jen and Vince getting married?? Tori Spelling and her mom are in a FEUD!? Where did Nicole and Keith Urbansexual go on their honeymoon?? Are Star Jones' boobs really made out of grapefruits wrapped in sweatsocks? (heh, thanks JL )
Please, I'm dying to kn...oh wait... wait for it.. wait for it.....waiiiitt.
I! DON'T! CARE!
Please don't waste my precious glossy pages on this crap. Let's keep FOCUSED on the important issues shall we? Brangelina and their Messiah, Shiloh, The Hollywood Crack diet, (Who's hipbone ripped a hole in their dress this week?!?), how stars are just like us (look, they drink water! Just like YOU!) , who's screwing who.. (or which Greek Heir is using Paris as their receptacle this week, to be more exact) and most importantly, keeping abreast of *Suri sightings..(Unseen for 87 days, 8 hours, 11 minutes......).
Focus USweekly! FOCUS!
Luckily, this week's issue isn't too bad, so I'll let it go this ONE time. But please be advised that as much as I love you, I can easily cut off the love and go to People Magazine. Unglossy as their pages might be....
Don't make me do it.
P.S. If you could please pepper your magazines with random pictures of this guy:
...you will guarantee my lifetime subscription.
Now go comment kiddies, then get OFF my lawn, go grab something at the liquor store and start your weekend early!
*DUMBASS LATE EDIT: I noticed I put "Shiloh" instead of "Suri" as being unseen. Never mind. The joke sucks when you fuck up the punch line. Dangblastit.