Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Evolution of Me: From butch.. to not quite so butch.

I know its hard to believe the fact that, at one time or another, I wasn't the radiant, sexually charged midget you see standing before you today. (gasp) In fact, for the majority of my life, I wasn't exactly what you'd call a "head turner" or even an "eye glancer." Living with three brothers had made me want to be a guy. When I was small, my brothers played outside, got dirty, and had adventures. I, on the other hand, was stuck inside, playing by myself because my parents didn't want me to dirty my dress or mess up my hair. My parents were old skool, so I don't blame them for this but in turn, I hated everything girly because in my little head, it reeked of oppression. Much to my mom's dismay, I was a card carrying tomboy for quite some time. Toy guns were right up my alley. Barbies and Cabbage Patch dolls were immediately turned into punching bags or some kind weapon. In fact, the only Barbie doll that I did own; her head came off quite easily. I soon discovered that if you swing her around by her hair fast enough and flick your wrist in just the right angle, her body would launch into the direction of whatever target you chose. My Barbie gun. I loved that headless whore. Sometimes, I would degrade myself to play Lady Jane or Wonder Woman, when I really wanted to be G.I. Joe or Superman, just so the boys would let me play with them.

But by the time middle school came around, I was ready to embrace my long lost feminine side upon discovering boys, again, in a whole new light. Yes, I knew they existed before, as I had played with them all the live long day; however, when God opened up the can of hormones inside me and spilled it every which way, for once, being looked at as "one of the guys" wasn't such a great thing.

Make sure all seatbelts are fastened and secure, because this bitch is moody as hell.

I had so many crushes on so many boys in middle school, but sadly, the feeling was not reciprocated as I was about as close to BEING a guy, without actually being Rosie O' Donnell. So here I was, attempting to embrace my feminine side but my feminine side looked at me and said, 'Who the fuck are you?' I didn't have one clue how to be a "girl." I didn't have a big sister to emulate and I didn't even entertain the notion of asking my mom. She had bottled up her girly visions of me and put it away after I butched out on her. I was afraid that if I asked her for advice, I would be decapitated by a flying dresses, make up brushes, nail polish and Hello Kitty hair clips. Another side of me was also rebelling at being girly because I didn't want to look like every other girl. Being the youngest, being four feet nothing, I had a bit of a Napoleon complex, (shocking). I wanted to be noticed all the time. (again, heart-stoppingly shocking). To me, being girly still meant biting your tongue, blending in, acting a certain way and being something that I didn't think I ever could be. Plus, to be honest, being girly sounded boring. But if I didn't try to ram my midget foot into that girly glass slipper, I was doomed to stand alone in the corner at the school dances and being the girl that the guys go to.... to ask about ANOTHER girl.

Recipe for a middle school girl angst:

-One dash of inner turmoil
-two cups of hormones
-a heaping tablespoon of insecurity.

Mix until well blended. Put in the oven at 350 for two years or until girl gets enough rejections from boys to slice herself.

Well.. that was MY recipe anyways.

On our next episode of The Evolution of Me - The Evolution Of Man: The Midget's many crushes, the Italian God and being stood up...(oh yes. You heard right. Stood The Fuck Up. Asswipe. ...he was a cute bastard though.)


Kim said...

OMG! Too funny.

BUT, at least you didn't have bangs that went back to the middle of your head that you were desperately trying to grow out and had to plaster your hair with hairspray to get them to stay down while growing out.

AND, at least you didn't completely match your two pair of socks to your outfit.

GOD, I hated Alvarado. Middle School = Pit of Pubescent Hell!

P.S. Remember the "loner line" that lead to the basketball courts and the library? You didn't cross it, did you?!

djmetronome said...

nice...It seems everyone "cool/interesting" today...was a complete lack thereof...way back when...

Jenessa said...

Elaine, I really liked this one.....Not that I don't laugh hystarically at the others, but this one was different.....

Posted by Jenessa on Thursday, June 29, 2006 at 10:31 AM

Miss-Informed said...

Catching a little brief glance into your past has been highly interesting. I can totally relate to the middle school madness and cannot wait for the sequel!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

"the radiant, sexually charged midget" - Wahahaha

That italian guy who stood you up - he done fucked up.

karaoke queen said...

I soooo understand. High school was hell for me too. I wasn't always the fantasticly dressed cool composured girl I am now. My family was poor, I wore second-hand or hand-me-down tomboyish clothes, didn't own a hairdryer or any other such thing, wore glasses that my mother picked out and was a straight A student. I had no boobies. Hairstyle? Whats that? Plaid wearing geek. I didn't date until I was almost 15. Talking to boys meant they were making fun of me somehow and I was retorting wittily - f#ck off. :)

E.I. said...

hehe, thank God I have made friends (or so I think till some insecurities pop up) with my past self or my shyness, introversy, not so big social skills would still haunt me... teenage ages... especially when they last a little longer...can be such a... sequel...
nice post, for sharing

Leilouta said...

You're too much Elaine...How about a post on how you met your husband? :)

Elaine said...

Kim: Oh no, I never crossed the "loner line!" OMG. I'm laughing my ass off! I totally forgot about the "loner line!" Hey! You had rockin' bangs by the way. It defined an entire era! ;D

djmetro: I think I was more crazy than interesting back then. A little loud and suprising for some. (actually.. come think of it, not much has changed ...)

Jenessa: THANKS GIRL! You finally commented! Love it!

miss-informed: Middle school pretty much sucked and it looks like it sucked for everyone else too! LOL! Who actually had a good time with middle school?!?!

idighootch: Yeah, the italian guy seriously screwed up. Hope he's fat and balding now...

Karaoke queen: See? We SO would have gotten along back in middle school. :D

Elaine said...

ei: yeah, this blog is my way of looking at the funny side of it, because in retrospect, going through all that is pretty damn funny. (and it refreshes my memory for when my daughter turns that age!)

leilouta: that wouldn't be a long enough blog. I met my husband at a club after my friend spotted him and told me to pinch his ass. The rest is history.... ;D

J. said...

OMG! HOW did I miss this post?
Love it chicklet. Cool to see another side of you.

Ari said...

"My Barbie gun. I loved that headless whore."

This IS a song, even if you haven't written it yet. :)