Ebay Is The Devil

I recently had to sell the accordion I currently own because..well.. it was as big as me and the keyboard kept hitting me in the shins. (Lets take a moment to picture THAT shall we? ..gigantic accordion with little feet and hands protruding out of it....that was me.) It did NOT make for happy rock and polka playin'. I wanted to get a smaller, more rockin' accordion, so I went to the devil and put in my request. My request was granted but apparently the whole WORLD wants accordions because I have been outbid by 10 people on 10 different accordions!!! I mean what the hell?? And apparently accordions are made of fairy snot and unicorn ass hair, because buying a brand new accordion is about as much as buying a small village in Africa. (I was outbid on that African village too..) At this point, I'm tempted to pick up some bagpipes.

Its disturbing how I'm slowly becoming a hardcore Ebay addict. I was an Ebay whore before but what started with recreational Ebay whoring, has now advanced to complete Ebay crack whore, which is a whole lot uglier and harder to manage (lots more twitching and picking at my face while I'm bidding.. ugly I tell ya...). I'm at the mercy of useless items such as an Elvis Toilet seat cover, which I bid on because.. HELL-O, Ebay crack whore on the line.. aren't you paying attention!?, even though I found it kind of odd to have his face emblazoned on something he died on...but as usual I was outbid! So I didn't get my fix on that day. (Mental note: Accordions and Elvis Toilet seat covers = hot commodity).

In the midst of my Madonna withdrawals, Ebay was my methadone. It was expensive, but it helped ease the side effects of three, highly potent concerts. I turn to Ebay for comfort and it embraces me with the promise of a diamond encrusted tampon holder, or whatever it is my heart desires. Deep down inside; however, I know it can't be good for me. Especially when my bank statement starts to read like this:

"Paypal payment for custom made Madonna Beer Hat"
"Paypal payment for glow in the dark Elvis mug/flashlight"
"Paypal payment for Like a Virgin musical toilet paper roll holder."


What started out as a fun, recreational thing to do has become a beast I can't handle. Now I must go. There's 5 minutes left to bid on a kleenex that Madonna wiped her ass with. I just can't let that pass.

Just this one time, then I'll stop.
I swear.

Help.

P.S. I DID sell my entire collection of New Kids On The Block posters and magazines from 8th grade for 30 bucks!!! sucker. Some of those idiots on Ebay will buy ANYTHING......