Friday, June 30, 2006

TOW Up From The FLO up! Fan Letter Fridays are here AGAIN!

Dear Mischa,

This letter comes to you via request from one of my readers. Her basic question, and the basic question of any human being with a set of working eyeballs, is:
WHAT are you dating? or SHOULD you be dating that?
It kind of looks like a cross between a mentally retarded Olsen twin, Wierd Al Yankovic and King Louis XIV of France. Either way, it doesn't look....sanitary. I wanted to think you were dating this thing for the money, but it looks like it's only worth 25 cents and a bag of circus peanuts. Actually, scratch that, I wouldn't give up a delicacy like circus peanuts over this sasquatch you're dating. AND even if it is rich, you could stuff its jungle forest, FunYun smellin' crotch with cash and I would STILL take my circus peanuts and walk the opposite way.
I TOLD you to take a shower after you dated Brandon "Grease Pores" Davis. This thing probably smelled you coming.
But on a positive note, I heard that its former owner, Paris II (Kim Stewart), had it housebroken, so you don't have to worry about any piddle or poo on your marble floors. BUT, it's not fixed so you might have to deal with it marking his territory all the tim...oh wait... judging from your hair, I see that he already has.

Shower Mischa. For the love of all that is sanitary and clean, TAKE A SHOWER.

Love, Me

Dear Katie,

First, my apologies for hatin on you for dating my man. At first, I just couldn't figure out how you got pregnant in the first place as Tom usually prefers phallic shaped objects by his orifices and being tea bagged on a daily basis. Then I thought you were a cleverly disguised man, sporting a fake belly and convincing Mr. Cruise that his super sperm was powerful enough to impregnate you via kissing his ass. (Which by the way, judging from THIS picture, you've learned your lesson about kissing hot Scientology ass haven't you?) But whilst I was wranglin up some young latino men for your husband last night, I had an epiphany. You're basically Scientology's virgin Mary and Suri is really Xenu's child and the reason we haven't seen Suri is because it is a well documented fact that Scientology babies sprout wings and fly to the mothership after its born, which is WHY we haven't seen her! (This discovery warranted a run on sentence.. apologies all around)
And! And! She will reappear as Ryan Seacrest's girlfriend and impregnate him next! OF COURSE!
oh AND! Tom Cruise is obviously Scientology's version of Joseph ..because Joseph was a carpenter and Tom Cruise likes wood.

I'm sorry Katie, but I haven't reached 9th Level of Zion Zorg Cleansing like you have, my mind is still muddled by some common sense, it takes awhile for me to figure out all your Scientology shenanigans, but its all coming together now.

Love, me.

Dear Nicole,

Congratulations on marrying yet ANOTHER stubby short, gay man. Somehow, somewhere, your fag hag wires were crossed. A gay man is a girl's best friend. Tis a known fact. They dress you appropriately, compliment you, go to Madonna/Celine/Cher/Barbara concerts with you, call you "bitch" in such a warm and loving way that only a gay man can express and a fag hag can appreciate. Yes, gay men make great friends. But as far as husbands go...yeah, not so much. I figured you already learned your lesson with Mr. Cruise, but you topped yourself with Mr. Urban. A country singing Aussie - which really, quickly ...what is that? I still can't wrap my mind around that one..isn't he just making fun of country accents when he sings?.. that's like me singing in a Scottish accent, except it only takes about two red bull and vodkas to get me to perform the hits. Where's MY record contract?
But I digress...
Let's do the math shall we Nic?

Flowing, shoulder length hair + Highlights + Trimmed 5'oclock shadow ala George Michael + Brokeback Mountain DVD and a picture of Ryan Seacrest under his bed + Being able to share clothes, hairstylists, and dildos with him = Gayer than a box of purple feather boas.

The only advice I can give is, the cabana boys at your honeymoon suite are NOT SUPPOSE to give him a bath during your honeymoon. Don't believe him girl, no matter how much he cries about it. Entice him with a mani/pedi while you shoo the cabana boys out of your room.

But hey, on the bright side of marrying Batshit Cruise and Uber Gay Urban, you'll still be able to wear white to your third wedding. Please consult me before THAT happens.

Congratulations anyways! Happy Shopping!

Dear Fergie's boyfriend,

Sorry to hear you got a beatdown from Tommy Lee's gigantic, disease ridden dong. Next time, come equipped.
Bring your girlfriend.
You and I both know her anaconda puts Tommy Lee's to shame.

Now go away. That penis shaped bruise on your forehead is creeping me out.

Love, Me

Okay, I'm ovah this.
Have a great weekend

EDIT: I forgot...can someone who know HTML voodoo FIX my sidebar? It shifts all the way down to the bottom when you look at my blog from Explorer. Its been that way for decades! HELP.


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Tommy Lee beat somebody with a dong?

Leilouta said...

It kind of looks like a cross between a mentally retarded Olsen twin, Wierd Al Yankovic and King Louis XIV of France.


Dark Damian said...

"Tom Cruise is obviously Scientology's version of Joseph ..because Joseph was a carpenter and Tom Cruise likes wood."

Fucking...classic. CLASS-ICK!

I am ROLLING over here! My coworkers think I'm craz- oh, wait, too late.

J. said...

Your edit - I think it has something to do with that godawful popup you have. Seriously, it's a good thing I love your popup ass, because that thing annoys the snot out of me.
But yeah, when I first come here, your sidebar is where it should be to the left, then popup hell happens and it gets shifted to the bottom.
It's got to be coming from somewhere. Check it out babe.

Oh and you made me snort once again with your fan letter friday. You must NEVER stop doing these chicklet. NEVER!

Have a great weekend, sexy.

J. said...

Okay, see how much I love you?
I subjected myself to more popup hell.
Its ilead.trackit.somethingthefuck

Obviously, I don't retain well.


Kim said...

I love you! :)

P.S. What's up with Nicole's dress? I may bite my words when I see a closeup, but from afar it looks like something circa 1983 with the sleeves and all. Or maybe she got it in the bridal shop I made the mistake of going into while in Salt Lake City.

Miss-Informed said...

I have to say, you nailed the Tom Cruise Scientology situation. Fergie having a boyfriend is suprising...especially such a young buck. We must all follow Demi Moore's footsteps...

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

tell me you doctored the mischa/boyfriend photo. That guy cant be her boyfriend, right.

If he is, I may have to follow in his footsteps and increase my sex appeal by not showering.

QUASAR9 said...

Wicked profile pic Elaine.
But I see you like people to bend to your will. lol! - Q

CP said...

Email me, dollface.

I'll fix your page for you.

Love FLF.


(Suri Cruise does not exist).

NeverEnough said...

Once again, your fan letters KICK ASS.

My sidebar did that low-down thing once too and I had to get it fixed. Good luck!

NeverEnough said...

Tommy Lee has nothing BUT a dong.

And I was all for Nicole and "what's his name" until this post. Thanks for changing my mind.