Monday, May 08, 2006

Fan Letters...kind of.. sort of....okay, not really.

Dear Denise,
Girl you had me. I was SO on your side. I had my little Charlie Sheen voodoo doll and poked it in certain regions that only drag queens know about. But then, you had to pull the the universal "OH NO SHE DIDUNN'T" move. You're dating your best friend's ex-husband. Did you not get the memo when God blessed you with your vagina? YOU DO NOT date your best friend's ex- ANYTHING! Ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-dog, ex-donkey from Tijuana..NOTHING. And to top it off, it's Richie Sambora. Girl. Come on. He was only "mildly" cool back in the 80's when he was Bon Jovi's I can barely look at him without having to choke down some of last night's cordon bleu. I could probably stomach it better if you had an affair with Heather Locklear herself. Yeah, sure she's had her skin pulled back so many times that a penis is bound to pop up at some point, but damn, anything is better than Richie Samhorrah. Please place your vagina and estrogen on the table and step away. It's been revoked. You're officially something that rhymes with "bunt".. check the next letter after "b" girl.. there you gooooo... yeah, that's you.

Love, Me.

Dear Tom,
Please let Katie go. Look at her. You changed her name to Kate, her nursing bra is showing for all the papparazzi to see and she's wearing flats to make you tall. She's done Tom. That horse has been ridden and beat DOWN. It's time to replace her and I am here to say that I will gladly take her place. Unlike Kate, I will happily put on that beard and strap-on dildo without a flinch. I'll be your Daddy and spank that little million dollar tushie of yours hard, because I know that's how you roll Mr. Cruise... you like your womens to be a bit rough....and scraggly.... with a bit of a mustache to tickle your jigglers... and well.. you actually like your womens to be mens, but I know that's not going to fly on your celeb status. So just send Katie back home and kindly hand me those buttbeads. I'll do the honors Mr. Cruise.

Love, Me.

Dear Usher,
Newsflash: You nasty DAWG. And by DAWG, I mean DOG. woof! Woof! You know.. the kind that Filipinos eat? Yeah. That kind of dog. Ugly bastard.

Love, Me.

Dear Star Jones,
On paper it probably DID sound like a GREAT idea to go get some gastric bypass surgery and a boob job to up your hotness level huh? I mean, let's face it, as far as hotness goes, you were running neck and neck with Shamu.. and Shamu had the upper hand with all those cute little tricks that she does. But NOW, well well, lookit lost you some weight, got some fake boobs.........and yet....somehow....and I don't exactly know how this turned into the ugliest thing alive. Yeah you're not fat and your boobs are pointing in the right direction but OH MY GOD. What is up with your FACE??? Did all that weight somehow transfer to your EYEBALLS? You're freaking me out Star. At least when you were fat, we could just give you a Ding Dong and you'd shut up for about three seconds while you choked it downed with a cup bacon grease, but now.. I don't know what to make of you. You're a blabby ass bitch and you've turned into E.T's freaky looking aunt. I never thought I'd say this, but please go have a big helping of something fried with cheese on it. Get fat again so those eyeballs will go back into your useless head. It's giving me nightmares.
Oh and your husband's gay.
Tom told me.

Love, Me.

Dear Madonna,
Listen, I know you're mad that I didn't come sniff your crotch at the Coachella concert. It wasn't my fault, I swear. I was standing on my BACKPACK trying to reach you, but alas, it was not meant to be that night. But listen, I had to file for bankruptcy because I'm going to TWO, yes TWO of your concerts and I'm about as close to you as middle class can fuckin' afford okay? I'll be there. So keep your panties on. Meanwhile, can you please have some beers with me after the show? Yeah, I know, I don't drink beer, but I will down a cup of chew spit if I could get you drunk and take advantage of you. Oh I hear you, "Oh but Laine, you're married. Don't you claim to be straight? what about the age difference? What about the restraining order? blah blah blah"
Can't you see I've gone cuckoo for your cone bras?
I love you, you old hag you, with your sinewy muscles and wrinkly hands....

Spank, Me.

***EDIT: Madonna was looking for me........
(currently crying and snotting all over myself.....)


Laurie said...

OhMYSHIT, woman! You have to make this a regular post! I am
DYING...I SAID DYING....over here!

I still can't get over the whole "standing on my backpack" visual.


CP said...

Yes...this needs to become "Letter Rage Tuesday" or H.E.L.L. (Happy Elaine's Lunatic Letters)

You got something there, girl.

I can smell the Enquirer pounding on your door, begging to sniff your midgety little armpits. Anything, just to get a whiff of your talent.

"It's a brand new day..."


JONX, biotch! I love ya!


Big Pissy said...


I picked a great day to stop by!

I agree with CP~this needs to be a regular Tuesday thang!

Kim said...


The best post EVER!

J. said...

I love when you do these.
And just so you know, poor Katie's heels are inside Tom's shoes.

Leilouta said...

I agree with you about Denise. What is she thinking? Couldn't she find another guy, but her friend's ex? I had a friend in high school who asked me as soon as I told her that I was over with a boyfriend if it was OK with me if she dated him. I said OK but he never wanted her :)

popfizz said...

ill just say.. "about fucking time" and you know what im talking about.

p.s. Denise Richards is a man.

Debi said...

I love you SO much! Denise Richards sucks my tush-hole. Usher is muppet (oh no wait, they're cute), and Madonna is bone and sinew dahling - sexy, sexy sinew.

Anonymous said...

stopped by for some of your patented humor and you did not disappoint! this one's as good as the post about your dog's farts! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i read it and said "i know, i know, i was on denise's side until i read about ol' richie too." however, that does not take away from the horrible things charlie sheen has done to her. i read the legal motion she filed. if even half of it's true, charlie will not see his daughters until they become adults and then they may never want to see his abusive, misogynistic ass. ever. and he would totally deserve it.

Elaine said...

laurie and cp: EVERY Tuesday?? A regular thing??? Hmmmm.. that would require some (gasp) "thinking ahead" and then I can't use my talents of procrastination to good use.....its my only REAL talent that I'm REAL good at. ;D We'll see though.

big pissy: Hey! Someone read and delurked! I love that!

Kim: thank girl!. so have you decided on what to do with your hair?? Guess I have to visit your blog.

J: So THAT'S where they are?? Sneaky Mr. Cruise. I heart him.

Leilouta: Its just wrong to go after your best friend's ex. NOt saying that Charlie Sheen is all good now.. but she didn't make herself look any better.

Fizz: Don't talk dirty to me young man.. okay, no I'm just kidding.. keep talking dirty...
Denise IS a man. Her very attractive square jaw gave her away..

Debi: Don't compare muppets to Usher! Muppets are cute and cuddly whilst Usher is slimy and has a fat greasy nose.

anonymous: Madonna is that you???

NeverEnough said...

I was all Denise' side too at first!! Great post - like Laurie said, you have to make this a regular thing now!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great stuff, Elaine. Better than Page 6.

Webmiztris said...

I just read about denise and richie and how she knows that it's her best friend's ex and all, but that it's so hard to find the right person for you so when you do find him, you need to hold onto him no matter what or some bullshit. whatever. richie used to be worth fighting over but he sure as hell isn't anymore. gah!!!

I totally agree with you re: Star. she looks just as bad to me now as she did when she was a cow. I think a face transplant is in order next.

also, that is the worst photo I've seen of katie holmes in my life! hope she's happy now that she's married to her childhood crush. I wonder if it's everything she ever imagined?