Friday, March 17, 2006

A Potpourri of Poop

- The milk chocolate covered Oreo is touting itself as "the most seductive cookie ever." I didn't even realize there was a competition amongst cookies as to who was the sexiest. However, after tasting the chocolate covered Oreo, I must say IT IS indeed the "Angelina Jolie" of the cookie world. It was so seductive that I damn near brought the whole box into bed with me. I say "damn near" because about halfway to my bedroom.. oh ...oops.. lookit that.......I done ate them all! (ok, wishful thinking.. I'm still sharting it up with Slim Fast, but HAD I been given a box, thats what would've happened.)

- AmbienCR is one of those unneccessary pills they advertise on t.v. to help you sleep better. I love this and the other pill commercials with the wierd names (Nexium, Crestor, Camel know the ones..) because I LOVE hearing the "possible side effects" that happen when you take such a pill. It can range from dizziness, losing your hair, growing a third eye, sharting your undies uncontrollably, being unable to function 5 hours AFTER you wake up (Ambien says do NOT take the pill unless you can devote a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep before you need to be active again. Um, If you can DEVOTE 7 to 8 hours sleep everyday you wouldn't NEED the pill right? Just a thought.) and possibly getting Turrets Syndrome.. blah blah blah, but HEY, you got a good night's sleep didn't you?!? Quit complaining about your soiled panties and that growth on your back! At least you're well rested!

- Can someone please tell the THREE GRAY HAIRS I found on my head that they are WAY TOO early and they seriously do not need to bring friends. (yikes).

- Gianda De Laurentiis from "Everyday Italian" scares the bejeesus out of me. Her head is so incredibly huge. Is this a condition? Is this what happens when you eat too much pasta fagioli? Everytime I watch the show, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for her neck to give out under all the pressure causing her to fall head first in the vat of boiling pasta noodles and pesto. And oh glory be if she happens to have her hair up! That's like adding 10 more pounds of pressure to that poor neck of hers and literally I'm all nerves throughout the show.
Huge head.

- Dear Aroma Kitchen Appliance Company,
In your haste to make the handy dandy, all-in-one toaster oven, griddle AND coffee maker contraption, you neglected one little itty bitty thing. The coffee pot should pour coffee INTO my coffee cup and NOT dribble out the sides, spilling coffee on my counter and burning the crap out of my hand. EVERY. MORNING.
You owe me some Neosporin and Clorox Wipes you bastards.
And FYI: being able to toast just ONE piece of bread is about as useful as *'titties on a boar. (*taken from "Brad's Big Book Of Exasperated Hillbilly Sayins")

- As a cooking disable person, I especially appreciate sayings like "Just Add Water" on food products. (Krusteaz Pancake Mix, how I love thee.) If only more things were this easy and user friendly. I'm anxiously awaiting "The Jetson's" house that will take my messy living room, fold it up, tuck it under and pop up an identical but neater living room in its place with the push of a button. Heck, I'm not picky, how about an electric shock administered to the hubby when he "misses" the toilet. Useful AND entertaining!

- Whenver I'm at KFC, I am tempted to order just a big bag of "batter crispies" with a side of gravy. Why yes, I AM a picture of health and wellness.

- I was watching another reality show called "Cheerleader Nation" or something like that. A teenage girl on the show told her mom in an exasperated manner that she 'NEEDED' a cell phone. I automatically thought, "HA! You don't 'need' a cell phone, back in my day we used to write notes and fold them into swans!" Then I realized I'm at a point where I even HAVE a "back in my day" story and waited for my hip to give out.

- I'm disturbed by my growing attraction to Hulk Hogan. That fu manchu moustache, doo rag and fanny belt he wears makes me feel funny inside.

- List of people who should be spade or neutered. Someone alert Bob Barker.
1. Courtney Love
2. Anna Nicole Smith
3. Jerry O'Connell (this guy is bEYOND annoying.. what is he drugging Rebecca Romin with??)
4. Howard Stern. I'm afraid he and his girlfriend would create this wierd blond praying mantis creature. (Shannon, digiscrap that image for me please...)
5. Star Jones and her gay husband, because an African American Elton John is something the world is not ready for.
6. Bob Saget, I can't even believe a guy this cheesy exists. What a Saget!
7. Carrot Top. Is an explanation really necessary? From the looks of things though, I'm afraid that he's going to start procreating with himself.
8. Jessica Simpson, because I'm seriously afraid that her dad will do the honors. ewww.
9. Paris Hilton, again, explanation not necessary.
10. People with Mullets

- Dontcha' hate people who tell you to "go outside and experience life" blah blah blah. Newsflash, 'outside' will still be there after I get off the Internet and watch all my reality shows that I've Tivo'd. Now leave me alone. I like looking pasty and gaunt.

and finally, an essay queston for the weekend:

Can YOU smell what The Rock is cooking?
What's he been cooking this whole time?

Please note that you will have two minutes for each question.



Debi said...

Is it me or are your posts getting more and more random? Can we get some ridilin up in here?

Elaine said...

Debi you failed the test. What is The Rock cooking I say???

Julie Jewels said...

A Potpourri of Poop is an excellent title for this post!!

I laughed so hard at each paragraph here! Thank you!

C'mon though-Bob Saget rocks!!
He's fine, baby, fine! Ok, not really but he is the tv Daddy of the ever so cute Olsen twin babies!! He's got get an "endearing" for that or some shit!

I have no idea what Rock is cooking. Where is he cooking this anyway?

Alyson said...

haha I just read that WHOLE thing to Mike and he said, "She's funny. She should be a writer or something."

Umm Mike, she just wrote that. Isn't she already a writer?

hahahaha I TOTALLY AGREE about Giada! And who has teeth that big? Seriously. And does she have to show them? It doesn't make her food look any better. In fact, I often just start thinking about how many chews she has to do in order to get through a plate of pasta. And I say parmaSCHJAn. NOT ParmaJON-OH. Ugh. If only her food weren't so damn good. I'd like to hit her. Just once. Or maybe dunk her head in the boiling water.

Leilouta said...

I usually watch Rachel Ray. She is starting to get on my nerves though, she is a little too hyper.
I've watched Giandrea de Laurentiis a few times and the first thing that I noticed was her mouth.
Her mouth opens like a Muppet, other than that she is cute.

Debi said...

The ONLY thing that the Rock could be cooking up for SOOOooo long that would smell Soooo much is the fattest turd in history. He's been taking notes from Stinky Joe, and he's prepping to lay a fat one on his last opponent.

popfizz said...

camel toe.
love it.

(see.. i read everyone's posts, but only the dirty parts stick out.. i am a sicko and need help)..

ps. Hulk Hogan lives close to me.. he almost hit me in his car when I was illegally crossing a street in front of his Escalde before a Tampa Bay Lightning Hockey Game. (his daughter sings the national anthem a lot)

ps2. carrot top SERIOUSLY freaks my shit.

ps3. watch the movie the Aristocrats (documentary about a dirty joke) and you will fall in love with Bob Saget. his part in the movie is one of the ultimate highlights.

ps4. the Rock cooks whatever the fuck the Rock wants to cook so you best get to smellin'.

Kim said...

Yeah, so on the whole Giada thing, I agree, her head is HUGE! It has always freaked me out. She's like a bobble head doll. And she is so skinny. I have a hard time believing that her food is good when she weighs 16 pounds. I am a firm believer that an obesely fat chef's food must taste better than a skinny girl with big teeth's.

Also, do they really need to get a close up shot of EVERYTHING on her show? They always zoom in on her washing her hands. WTF?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great post. Any one of those blurbs would have stood by themselves.

It was like a buffet.

Incidentally, I won a battle with Oreos last night. I actually resisted killing off a whole row of those things.

Shannon Bieger said...

I had to reply to this post because the one after it....I just don't know how to respond to that menu. LOL!

I was ROFL at the whole paragraph about Gianda. "Oh glory be"! Ha ha ha!

Oh I want a Jetson's house so that I don't have to shower or dress myself every day. I so want a machine to do that for me. As long as it's not a perverted machine though. I wouldn't want it to be sneeking peeks.

OMG I am hysterically laughing out loud about writing notes folded in to swans. Wait....I need to finish laughing before I can read further.

LOL seriously, that took me a minute or two to stop laughing. Ok, now I'm laughing that you want a digiscrapped blonde praying mantis. LOL!