Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Whorebags will get SLICED.

So I get this email from my "supervisor" whom I don't particularly like and it goes something like this....

Hi Elaine,

Don't forget we still have to schedule a day for you to train for the blah blah (work talk) reports and we also have to schedule you a ride along with one of the investigators too.

Thanks,

Whorebag.

*************************************************************************
Whorebag,

Is there anyway I can do my ride along and training on the same day? That way I can just knock it all in one day. (IE; which means I don't have to have my aunt babysit for two days, instead of one AND I don't have to do the hour and a half drive to the office TWICE.)

Thanks!

Elaine

***************************************************************************

Elaine,

That's fine. We'll train on blah blah day and afterwards you can go with blah blah for the ride along.

Thanks,

Whorebag.

Great. It's all settled right? Then I get this email AFTER I already told my aunt what day I need her to watch Maddy:

Elaine,

Is there anyway we can just do this on Monday (another coworker was coming in that day to train for the same thing)? You can just do the ride along when there's one in San Diego (it doesn't really MATTER if the ride along is in San Diego as I would STILL have to get a babysitter! and what was the reason for this change of heart ask???? keep reading..) I would just rather do it with both of you at the same time and blah blah here so I don't have to train TWICE.

OH I'm SORRY Whorebag! Am I inconveniencing YOU??? OH DEAR ME, I didn't realize that I wasn't bent over in front of your dildo with no lube. Here. See that? I'm ready to take what you got and HARD because I live my life just so as not to inconvenience YOU, you TRIFLIN', BITCHY, TWO FACED, MICROMANAGING, NO PERSONALITY HAVIN', BROWN NOSER, SUCKIN' THE BOSS' DICK 24/7, WHOREBAG!!!

Okay, phew! Sorry, I had to get that out. This blog is THERAPY to me, so truly, I'm sorry you had to see such ugliness, but hey, you know what you signed up for comin' over here. There's more than meets the eye to my rage over whorebag but seriously, that email took the cake with me. I thank God EVERYDAY that I work at home because besides the fact that I can raise my girl and work in pajamas, if I had to deal with whorebag EVERYDAY, she would have been chopped into pieces and ground up into my doggy's food bowl. The first time I met her my "shady bitch-o-meter" went haywire. Luckily, I had a different supervisor when I first started and she was the coolest chick EVER. Best supervisor I have ever worked for but she had a baby in the past couple months and quit working altogether, which I was fully supportive of. The downside is that the "Age Of The Whorebag" began shortly after.
Long story short, I emailed her back and told her that my aunt could not take the day off that she wanted and if it really inconvenienced her to "train twice" then she could kiss the fattest part of my ass. (in a professional, well typed out email of course).
This is what I got:

Elaine,


Tuesday's fine. That's fine.

Whorebag.

You bet your melted ice cream cone ass that's "fine!" Biznatch.

If I had to choose between bitchy co-workers and toddlers with the terrible two's, I will take the toddler EVERYTIME!
But again, this job really isn't THAT bad because I've had worse. FAR WORSE. SO FAR in fact, that my job right now is just a dot if you had a view of it from my old job....which happened to be IN "HELL, Inc." The only good thing that came out of "Hell, Inc." is that I met one of my bestest friends (Debi) whilst working for Satan HERself. (Yeah, sorry ladies, I have seen Satan and she's a moody biatch.) . I think one of the main reasons we're so close is the same reason why people who experience a tragedy together remain close. We met so many "characters" (homeless people, crack addicts, felons, gangbangers, prostitutes) in "Hell, Inc." because Satan just attracted them all. It was a telemarketing business, selling websites to small businesses. Debi was in charge of training and supervising the call center and I was in charge of creating the websites along with writing ad copy, quality control, customer service and manning the receptionist desk (for a whopping $9.50 an hour. CHA muther effin' CHING! oOOOKAAAY??? *****head roll, hand up****). Debi and I practically ran the place because Satan would be in her office eating puppies but sometimes (like twice) her other personality would take over and she would actually be semi pleasant. On these days, she would regale us with stories of riches and bling that we would be showered with if we were persistent and hardworking (ie: working overtime with no overtime pay, taking her shit, watching her eat puppies and little to no raises). She spoke of champagne wishes and cavier dreams, when, at best, she was offering Colt 47 wishes and pork rind dreams. Satan's minions would EAT THIS CRAP UP though and practically RUN to their phones after her Tony Robbinsspeech. The speech would get them rearin' to go up until they had actually made some money. You would THINK that now that money was coming in they would work harder right?? But nooooo, they would get a fat paycheck, call in sick for a week, spend all their money on crack, whores, gambling, or (insert life destroying addiction HERE______). Then they would come in the next week defeated and desperate. OR quit altogether and go back to their "Welfare" job. (I don't know what company "Welfare" is but apparently a lot of them worked for this institution. ) The turn around rate at that company was dizzying. We would constantly be hiring, training, firing and fighting with disgruntled employees. Debi and I even witnessed employees coming to work all tweaked out on crack. One girl literally looked like she had JUST came from a bar down the corner. At 7:30 am, she came trottin' to work wearing a silver disco dress, one strap hanging off her shoulder, eyeballs twitching and mascara/sweat smeared all over her face. She walked into the office at about one hundred miles an hour and spattered out fifty fast hellos in a span of 2.2 nano seconds. (Damn Debi, those were GOOD TIMES). Many a times, the cops were almost called because the employees failed to read the fine print of their job application (which stated that if they were fired or if they quite 45% of their check would be taken away just in case any of their orders fell through... Satan was a bitch AND a damn good con man to boot). We DREADED giving out the last paycheck to an ex-employee because WE KNEW that after walking out the door with their check, they would come running back in demanding to know where the rest of their money was. It wasn't just regular ol' "anger" either, it was a "I was gonna buy five dime bags of crack and now I can only buy one" type of RAGE. One time, Satan and her husband went on vacation and then PHONED Debi on payday to inform her that the callers wouldn't be getting their checks that day and that they would have to wait until next week. To this day I don't know how Debi did not shit her pants right there on the spot when she had to tell felons, crack whores, gangbangers and prostitutes that they wouldn't be able to feed their habit that weekend. We literally had to let all the callers out of the office that day and then lock ourselves in until they all left. In fear that we would get shanked while walking out to our cars.

Point being.......um.. wait.. what was my point? OH yeah, I guess compared to THAT, whorebag isn't that bad...and the fact that being a stay at home mom is the BEST. JOB. EVER.

Screw the office.

Viva la SAHMS!!

6 comments:

Leilouta said...

Elaine,
That is just the way I felt about my 200 bosses at work today.
They drive me crazy with their stupid useless meetings, and everything else.
They have nothing else to do but setup meetings, schedules, status reports and all that bs while we're doing the work.

Office space is my favorite movie:)

Debi said...

I can't believe you left out the threats of fires and bombings. The day that the checks were absent along with the boss, we had one guy threatening to call in news crews to expose us, and if that didn't work he was going to burn down the building. An hour later, one of the crappy computers that the boss so lovingly sprang for started smoking!!! Not knowing where the smoke was coming from, there was a slow building panic, until the burning computer was found. Then, there was the girl that decided burning was not enough, and threatened to bomb the building. Now, maybe you see this as a joke, but nay nay…. This girl was just unstable enough to do it! And don’t forget STINKY JOE. The guy who smelled so bad, he reshaped company policies about opening doors to talk to people in the front office (Elaine – who he had a crush on), not to mention policies about bathroom use. Oh, good times, good times. Oh wait – don’t forget the day that the company pimp left his latest co-worker-conquest’s dirty underwear on her chair in her cube for all to see. Wow, what did we do in a previous life to deserve that?! But MAN does it make all jobs look good now.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sweet post. I like that pic from Office Space.

Great writing.

Dark Damian said...

.........

Yowza.

Debi said...

Hope you get what you came for!

It was recently brought to my attention that everyone in the free world has access to my blog. DUH!!! In fact, it just so happens that my friend X had a co-worker Y try to google-up some dirt on her, and of course she found a nice f-u type of blog about…. Yes… co-worker Y.

Anyway, I went on a rant about how completely inappropriate it is to do this kind of digging and how morally bankrupt someone would have to be to even think about it. The response I received was this: Well, you put it out there for everyone to see. You can’t expect people not to read it. In fact, business and colleges use this tactic all the time to see what kind of people are applying. (i.e. –they don’t want to hire pot-smokers, drinkers, recreational hookers, etc.)

Well, here’s my response – out there for everyone to see:
A blog is just a venting place for personal thoughts and feelings. It’s out there for certain people to read. People who know you, friends that you give the web address to etc. Because blogs are SO hard to find unless your searching, the exact “real world” equivalent would be walking into a library where there is a stack of hundreds of diaries, closed but with people’s names on the front cover. You search through all of these, digging to find someone you know so that you can read what they’ve written. Fine, if you’re THAT much of a voyeur – fine. But don’t bitch about what you find and don’t forget that you have no right to discriminate base on personal thoughts, feelings or recreational activities.

If I had an employee that searched around for this stuff and then brought it to my attention, I would fire them for inappropriate behavior on the spot. Partly because it’s not a quality I want in an employee, and partly because if someone did get fired for what was on their blog - could you imagine the discrimination law suits?! Performance at work has nothing to do with what you think, feel or do in your spare time. Why can people get all upset that the government is spying on the public to find terrorists and perverts, but it’s perfectly fine for employers to dig for personal crap and then use it against you?

So bottom line is this – if you’re reading my blog or anyone else’s – I hope you get what you’re looking for, and I hope it’s a boot in the ass.

popfizz said...

chicks with attitude.

me like.


btw.

i need know where i can apply to be a stay at home mom? it sounds super easy!