Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Human Stain

Okay so nothing about this post is going to relate to the title unless I break off into a rant about skid marks, which could happen, you never know. I was just on my Netflix list, changing my movies around, and saw that "The Human Stain," was on my "recommendations" list. Apparently its a drama and the fine people at Netflix thought I would like it. I have NO idea what the movie is about, but judging from the title, I'm thinking its totally about skid marks and the ruination it can bring to a family. Yes? Because skid marks don't just affect the person who caused it, it affects the ENTIRE family... especially the one that has to do the laundry. ...the same thing with "dutch ovens." Dutch ovens can tear a family apart. I should make a movie called "Dutch Ovens." Never mind. The title was fitting after all.

Anyways, I was doing my laundry today and realized that the majority of my wardrobe now consists of pajama tops and bottoms. I sat there thinking, "What happened to all my other outfits?!" Who knows? I do KNOW that I haven't gone shopping for myself in about 3 billion decades. Are parachute pants still in? because I could totally still rock that shit. How about cuffing your pants at the bottom.. is that still cool? Because I could cuff a pant faster than you can say "Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam" No seriously, I NEED to shop. Its not for the lack of trying. I've tried many times, but I'm beginning to think I forgot HOW. (I think my fashion merchandising degree, slash dust catcher, slash receipt for my gigantic student loan bill, just burst into flames as I typed that.) I know. Someone pass the estrogen IV. Holy HANNAH! I forgot how to shop!
And its not that I don't know how to shop for clothes. I go in there with the best of intentions and get completely side tracked by the customers or the employees of the store. Then later, I realized I haven't gotten shit because I've been people gawking for the past hour. I just can't shop and ignore the other customer's baffling clothing decisions or people who choose the dressing room at an "Old Navy" to have a loud argument with their boyfriend. All pure unadulterated entertainment in every aisle .. who can SHOP?? Its free reality television people!
For example, a couple years ago I was shopping for some jeans and a girl about the same age as me was there with her daughter.....who was like 10 years old. So right there, I'm like.. wow, she must have had her when she was FIVE. ... But I REFUSED to get caught up in my head and continued looking for jeans that would hug my ass just right and not cut into my hips, causing skin dunlaps. That's hard work. You ladies know. It requires your full, utmost attention. So I'm sitting there, studying seams, cuts, low rise, high rise, button fly, pockets, no pockets, the "dirty jean" look? Or save some money and buy regular clean jeans and "dirty" them myself? Decisions. Decisions.
At this point, I had ALMOST forgot about the girl and her daughter UNTIL I hear THIS:

"Alize'.. Alize' don't wander off. Follow me Alize."

As in the DRINK Alize'????
As in "oh, let me name my daughter a cheap alcoholic beverage" Alize???
Jean shopping now officially over.
It probably wouldn't have been if she hadn't said her name THREE TIMES. My brain simply could NOT ignore it. It was like 'Alize, Alize, Alize," and off I went....

"I wonder if she named her that because that's what she was drinking when she got knocked up?"
"you're mean, how do you know she got knocked up? Maybe she's married!"
"OH yeah, married and looking at the rhinestone halter tops and sheer short skirts with her hooker heels.. yeah, she's SO married. She SCREAMS married."
" Just shut up and shop for jeans. you're so judgemental."
"Alize?? seriously? I mean, I love Smirnoff ice but you can be damn sure Smirnoff Chaney isn't gonna be added to the family tree."
(chuckled quietly to myself..)
"Maybe it's spelled different."
"WHO CARES? It's pronounced like the drink!! Why not just call her "Strawberry Hill? I wonder what her son's name is, Boone. "Boone's Farm and Strawberry Hill, oh what wonderful children they are!"
(holding in laughter as tears form in the corner of my eyes.)
" Or HEY, screw alchohol! Name them after cars! Cheap cars! "
"Hyundai, honey, its time to do your homework!"
"Oh Corolla, clean your room its such a mess!"
"If you don't get down from there Geo Metro, I'm going to tell Dad!"
" Daihatsu! Stop hitting your sister!"
(shaking quietly as I hold laughter in.. tears falling down both cheeks,)
"You're so NOT going to find jeans today.."

Its becoming increasingly obvious that I need someone with a cattle prod to go with me when I shop. Any volunteers?


Kim said...

I don't know which is worse: Naming your daughter Alize, or naming your WHITE daughter Stevee Taneesha. And all kidding aside, sadly enough, I know people who have done both.

Oh, and one more tidbit. And I warn you ahead of time that this is going to make me sound really, really trashy, but it needs to be divulged because of how appropriate it is to your story...

Kim's First Experience With Alcohol:

1.) I was 20. (Yes, it's true. I didn't drink for the first time until I was 20!)
2.) At my boyfriend at the time's best friend's TRAILER PARK in Azusa.
3.) Polished off a bottle of Boone's Farms Strawberry Hill all to myself.
4.) Then smoked pot for the first time.
5.) Then proceeded to drink Alize, straight from the bottle.
6.) Then ran to the bathroom to puke my guts out for an hour straight.
7.) The end.

Maybe I should name my daughter Alize?

msshallan said...

Elaine I love ya! Your blogs are great...Thanks for making my day that much better! I'll be sure to name my kid Corona or Midori =)

popfizz said...


what the fuck is up with people named after some sort of beverage.



talking2myself said...

Ooooh that was good. And a reminder that my wardrobe needs an update too. Hell, it needs an entire overhaul. Maybe I should just light a match and run.

Julie Jewels said...

You kill me! I can just picture you standing in the clothing store snorting and chuckling under your breath as this conversation plays out in your head! LOL

Did you seriously link us to the definition of Cattle Prod?!?

Debi said...

"Cristal-like-the-champagne, might you be a stripper?" - You can learn a lot from Boondcks.

I'm gonna have a son, name him Frangelico and hope he's gay. Really gay. Then he can help you shop. I see it going something like this...

"Frangelico, do these jeans make my ass look fat?!"

"Girl, you're so crazy! Those are fabulous! Do they have those in a 10? The pink stitching TOTALLY goes with my sketchers! Maybe a 12, I'm seriously bloated today."

"Frangelico, you're SO the best shopping friend EVER. Let's go get our eyebrows done!"

Judy said...

I am so naming my first born "Captain Morgan", it's unisex, too. "Captain Morgan Eguez, you get your ass over here NOW! Morgan, I said NOW!"

I'd go shopping with you, but I'm in another state. We can shop online together. yay!

Riss said...

People are insane. That's the answer.

I always bring this up but there was this tragic story about a woman who killed one of her children... and I couldn't get over the fact that this crazy bitch had named her twin daughters Signafagance and Ellagance. Seriously. Spelled that way and everything. Bang, electric chair it should be.

CP said...

That had to be the funniest post I have read in a LONG time. Seriously. I am driven to distraction like that all the time. I live in Florida, teenagers having babies hell...and you would not believe the names I have heard.

Destiny - Yes, you have just sealed her fate as a porn star.

Caramel - Adorable for a beautiful little baby girl, wonder if she is going to be taunted as a tasty treat in high school.

Jaymikalanique - She will be 40 before she will be able to spell her own name.

Tootie - Someone watched too much "Facts of Life" as a teenager.

Girl, I could go on and on and on. This is the joy of being a nurse. You meet all sorts of freaks.

Speaking of freaks, I got here via Laurie the Shank Queen. I will be back.


Linda said...

You're SO funny - I saw your comments on Beauty and the Beer and had to check it out for myself! Think I'll be book marking this site!

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