You ever have one of those weeks where your pizza falls on floor cheese side down? you explode in the toilet and there's one square of toilet paper left? your hair looks like Joyce Dewitt's? the laundry starts reproducing more laundry and the dirty dishes thought it was a good idea and did the same? the sound of others BREATHING in your direction makes you want to kick them squaw in the arse? your bank balance is negative a couple thousand dollars and top ramen is starting to look like a gourmet meal? each cup of coffee you have is either too sweet, too bitter, or has already gotten cold? when friends seem a world away and annoying motherfuckers are within choking distance? when your obvious genius isn't appreciated in your own time?(heh),when there's ham, no burger? Peanut butter no jelly? Your mind and body feels like it got a good ol' Ike Turner beat down? When everyone else seems like they got their shit together except YOU? when the pen runs out of ink in the middle of writing a check? where a "power nap" just won't cut it and what you really need is a "power week" of sleep? when all your hard earned money seems to go to everyone else but YOU? your blog looks funny on Internet Explorer but yet looks fine on Mozilla Firefox and you're not computer competent enough to fix it? the rug seems to have pores that actually produces dirt and lint? you feel you've been vacuuming said rug so much that if you totaled up the miles you've vacummed, it would circle the earth EIGHT TIMES? prozac starts sounding pretty darn good, downed with a shot of tequila coupled with a lobotomy? the person who gave you a bad first impression makes an even WORSE second impression? everyone thinks "whorebag" is a malicious word? (its actually a loving term people.. a whorebag coupled with some PMS pants and bitchy heels makes for a great ensemble), when you want a piece of chocolate cake and there's only sugar free crap in the cupboard? then you realize it was your dumbass that bought the sugar free crap? you're finally SO SO happy that it's Friday and then you realize you're a mom and moms don't really get a REAL "friday?"
yeah.
That's the kind of week I had. Love me.
Now cheer me up and leave a dirty joke in my comments section!
8 comments:
Oh the pressure of a joke. A dirty joke...You do know I only know jokes that a 6 year old would understand right? Gonna have to dig deep for ya!
THis is the best I can do for ya right now!
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Hope next week is better on ya!
HAHAHAHA! You obviously work well under pressure Julie! For someone not having too many dirty jokes, you knocked that one right out of the park! LOL! Thanks! That seriously did make me laugh out loud.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing,
She was already told twice.
A blonde goes to a gynecologist .He tells her that she is pregnant.
She replies," Are you sure it is mine?"
Okay, I NEED to ask you smart asses for more jokes. I'm laughing my ass off at each and every one of these! :D
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
whats the difference between a homosexual man and a refridgerator?
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The fridge does not fart when you pull the meat out.
ta da.
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
He said "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
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