A nice hot plate of cuntwaffles. Because I can't think of a clever way to title this blog and my new favorite word is cuntwaffle. The end.

I swear upon Pamela Anderson's accordion cooch flaps that I am NOT neglecting this blog. For the past week or so I've been trying to get a vlog together because I had so much random shit to talk about that it would make for a very A.D.D. kind of post. Random commentary vomit is much better served in a visual form.

Unfortunately, my ghettofied ass decided that triple A batteries from the dollar store were just as good as the ones at the grocery store. Except I found out that no, it really isn't. I would put in a fresh pair of batteries in my tired ol' Flip camera and five minutes into taping, it would give me the 'low on battery' sign and then cut a bitch off completely mid-rant! WTF Dollar Store?! Sure they're a dollar and what the hell do I expect but it couldn't even give me 10 solid minutes to do a decent vlog?! After ruining five brilliant takes, I said screw you random packs of triple A batteries from some country that uses dots and slashes instead of letters!

-;;--;0-*_- !! <-- I really hope that means 'screw you' in their language and not 'kill the whitewash Filipino Infidel.' So, I'm over vlogging my shit for now because I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store and get a decent pack of batteries. I know. I'm pathetic but cut me a break will ya? There's a lot going on in the House of Midget. First and furthermore (I sound so Abe Lincoln when I say that out loud), the munchkin is graduating Kindergarten next week! Which means....she's in FIRST GRADE? How and why did this happen so fast? Although, truth be told I'm not too sad that she's leaving her Kinder teacher. (Crazy baton lady.) Again, great teacher but I'm going to be relieved that we no longer have to be peer pressured into attending/participating in anymore inane baton events (where we have to get into a gray Delorean, make sure the flux capacitor is working and go back in time for these events...you know, when baton was relevant...wait. was baton ever relevant??).

In any case, glad that's over. I''ll also be very happy that our parent/teacher talks, where she speaks to me as if I'm an infant, is also over. I don't know if she does this with every parent, but I really believe in my heart of hearts that she thinks I'm a teen mom. I'm not complimenting myself like, oh yeah because I look so young and shit (although my skin IS exquisite I have to say...) but I really think it's because she's a 1000 years old. She probably sees her students as wiggling amoebas.

Immediately after the munchkin graduates, that weekend to be exact, we are moving to our house!! Please note I said HOUSE, and please note that we will be renting the 20 dollar a day U-Haul because the move is LOCAL. As in, NO MISSOURI. NO MISSOURI. NO MISSOURI. I don't think I can thank Jesus De Cristo & Dios Grande enough for such a blessing. Sorry Missouri, I love to visit but that's about the extent of my love for that state. Oh and Sonic food, I love Missouri for Sonic. I USE Missouri to get to Sonic, so sick is my love for Sonic.

But before even THAT all happens, I am going to visit my BFF, sista from anotha motha, Judy in Dallas, Texas. That's right, to all you people in Texas, if on Friday there's suddenly a smell of Circus Peanuts and Fabulousness in the air, don't fret! It just means that I've arrived and your midget population has been temporarily increased by one. I'm so excited because Judy has lived there for years and this is the first time I'm visiting her. I know, I know. Bad best friend. It will be a quick little jaunt - just Friday and Saturday and I'll be returning Sunday just in time for Father's day. Short as my travels will be, I am taking this as an opportunity to film the second installment of my 'hit' travel vlog: "I'm Not Samantha Brown."

I'm seriously dedicating myself to this series. I loved making it (even though it ended up dark and kind of patethic), I loved putting it all together and I think I can do better. And I love/hate Samantha Brown so much that I don't mind being the Wal-Mart version of her.

So yes, I know I've been lagging on making new episodes as of late, but after this Dallas trip, I'm MAKING time for it. Be prepared to go with me and my 20 dollars to exotic places like this Pho' restaurant across the street (I got a buy 1 get 1 free coupon in the mail. Time to splurge!) or we'll drive across the way to this Hawaiian restaurant that serves a teriyaki beef & rice platter that's so good I have to pause between bites to allow my mouth to have its multiple orgasms. When I move east of SD, there's this fabulous liquor/convenience store on the way that's right next to a trailer park. You won't believe the 'exotic' people that frequent that establishment. Mullets, gap tooth smiles and meth withdrawal shakes galore! It'll be just like visiting Kid Rock's house!

The budget might be limited but the possibilities are endless.

More to come soon and I won't be a lazy ass and wait so long to post a blog. Either my ass will go get some real batteries to do a vlog or I'll blog the ol fashioned way, hunker down and finger bang my keyboard. This not posting a blog for weeks on end is not a good thing. It makes my soul feel backed up and constipated.

I'm Not Samantha Brown....

I've decided that the title of this post is exactly what I'm going to name my new 'travel' show. Because after putting together my first show I was reminded of this sad fact again and again. I basically 'winged' it and had no idea as to what direction I was headed. I just knew that I had dinner with my main gay Joey in La Jolla and hey, I'll record that experience! Good nuff! (maybe those Australia folks weren't as dumb as I thought). Shortly after I started recording, I realized that yes, I'm not Samantha Brown and oh look it that! I don't have her camera crew either! Meaning, most of this show was done in the cloak of darkness or the semi-lightning that I got from the interior light of my car or Joey's flashlight app on his Iphone. It was so horrific that my movie maker froze up on me a billion times before I finished this as if to say, 'are you actually going to show this to people?!?' My movie maker knew it was shit and tried to rebel. But I had to put this together just to show you how horrible it is. You know how you taste something so horribly awful you can't help but turn to your friend and say, "omg, this is so gross! taste it!"

Yeah this is the same thing.

Honestly, I can't even explain the disaster that is my first show. You just have to see it to believe it. Please enjoy the opening credits because that's as good as it's going to get. My next show, I'm keeping it local, I'm going to explore Oceanside...DURING THE DAY! It'll be better. I promise!

Now ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and witness a travel show you could probably buy at Big Lots in the reduced dollar bin basket.