Witness a pair of stripper poles go flaccid!

This blog is strictly being written tonight so I can post this video up:

Let me be the first to apologize for the 4:24 some minutes that you'll never get back unless you're into watching overly medicated pop stars stumbling around trying to find what used to make them sexy. I don't know what happened to Rihanna but apparently she thought rehearsing for seven minutes would do the job. And is it really considered a collaboration if Britney came in on the last three lines of the song with a magic mic? I'm guessing they woke her up from a nap, lured her out with a bucket of fried chicken then threw her onstage mid-burp. I was unsure if she was dancing or trying to walk out a fart. There was also no sadder pair of strip poles I have ever seen than the ones they attempted to dry hump during the song. The one Britney rubbed on probably has a bacon greasy film on it and smells like gym socks. The standing ovation afterwards can only mean that clearly, the audience was given some sort of hallucinogenics to regard this performance worthy of a stand or even regard it as an actual performance. They would've probably gave a standing ovation to a monkey rubbing feces on himself, but at least a monkey would put some feeling into his work.

I nodded off early and the last thing I saw/heard was The Black Eyed Peas. Is it me or have they been singing the same three songs for like 10 years now? If I hear "I Got A Feeling" one more time, I'm going to lose feeling in my ears because I will rip my ear drums right out.

The other performances were tolerable, one of my favorites was Nicki Minaj unfortunately, the fried chicken Queen made another zombieriffic appearance at the end of THAT performance as well. She left her grease everywhere!! Ugh.

But really, who even remembered ANY of it or cared after Beyonce showed up, tassles a'swingin??? Her performance made Rihanna's and Britney's look like a 3rd grade talent show act performed by two students that have VIP seating on the short bus. Beyonce took her song and fucked the entire stage with it. She spanked it, tore it up and owned it. The stage had to go take a hot shower afterwards and the entire audience needed therapy because this bitch violated all of us while Jay-Z watched.

After her performance, the need to march around and celebrate my nation building twat was immeasurable.

Who Run The World? I think men still do, but Beyonce's lofty delusions and proclamations about females are so very endearing....and makes a great ring tone!

Dakota Fanning is on crackwatch...and other mindless musings.

Mimi's gave us a 'free meal' due to our "Potato Funk Fest 09" incident at their restaurant in Chino Hills - a whopping 15 bucks. Um. Thanks - I think I can get another deep fried bug on a stick with a side of chum flavored potatoes with that - Brandie and I will have to share this time though.

I went to into the Rite Aid and realized it's that time of year again:


Peeeeeps! Crap, I forgot, I'm trying to lose weight. I'll just bite off their cute little heads and traumatize my daughter by giving her the leftovers.

Speaking of traumatize, you know, sometimes a cute little kid explanation never hurt anyone and someone needs to remind me of this. The munchkin asked me about her belly button and I went into this whole Gray's Anatomy schpeel about how there used to be a cord there when she was in my belly, yackity schmackity and then we cut it off when she was born because she didn't need it anymore, (I know! I can't believe I said this either) and it's best to cut the cord off now and not when she's in her 20s lest she becomes dependent on mommy and turns into Michael Jackson...blahblah...(I didn't say the last part out loud surprisingly.)

Her response was: "That's kind of gross mom." And then the next morning she told me she had a dream about how her cord was still there and I kept stepping on it! I apologized for the cord story and tried to come up with a cuter one filled with puppies and rainbows but she wasn't buying it. If I keep this up, I'm going to have to pair up the college fund with a therapy fund.

I found this picture of Keshia Knight Pulliam - the girl who played Rudy on The Cosby Show - and I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see a former child actor whose hair isn't plastered to her face with meth sweat and dried up coke boogs up her nose.


I applaud her parents; however I do not applaud the 1992 leftover prom dress that's she's sporting here.


I was going to blame Beyonce's mom for this tragedy but it's too tame. (FYI: Beyonce's mom is a 'stylistLOL' - that's her official title btw - LOL attached because she's so ridiculous). Keshia's dress doesn't have her signature gold foil fringes or a bedazzled brooch in the coochie area.


And I'm holding my breath on Dakota Fanning. It SEEMS like she's going to turn out all right but I'm still on crackwatch until she's at least 21.

Did you hear the chick with the longest nails broke them in a car crash? She's been growing her taint scratchers since 1979!! Heart breaking. I'm surprised she didn't impale herself with one of them! Now she's going to have to actually reach down and scratch her ass like the rest of us have to - on the positive side, she can finally pick her nose without giving herself an accidental lobotomy.


New show to watch? RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO. If you don't have Logo, click here for full episodes. Seriously, you won't regret it. It's like ANTM only RuPaul's prettier than Tyra, the challenges are harder (they're automatically trump ANY Top Model challenge when you have to tuck your peen into the crack of your ass.) and the contestants have more fierce in them than the entire cast (present and past) of ANTM. With names like "Nina Flowers" and "Ongina" - I dare you not to love it. (True story - I bought RuPaul's album Supermodel of the World in 1993 when I still had no inkling that I was predisposed to love the gays.)

ANTM is losing it's oomph for me by the way - especially when the winner ends up working at a hair show in Watusi, Ohio the next year. (Is there a Watusi Ohio? If so, I'm totally moving.)

In fact, I don't really have a lot of shows I'm 'passionate' about lately. Any suggestions? Please don't tell me Gossip Girl or 90210 - please. If I want to watch pretty people who can't act have sex I can get that shiz in five minute intervals on youporn. That's what I've HEARD anyways..not that I've ever ..anyhoohas.....Those shows are like The Hills with a bad script....oh wait. The Hills does come with a bad script. (I was over that show a thousand years ago). Regardless. I don't care if I sound old. I want Wonders Years back. At this rate I'll take Dawson's Creek back....actually no, never mind, I don't want that Paula Cole's song in my head all day.

Too late.

Well that's it - just little nuggets of nonsense by yours truly - have a great weekend and Happy Valentine's day!! I know it's really hip to say this day is overrated and "you shouldn't have a day to say you're in love - you should say it everydaaaayy'' blah blah. Whatever. I like Valentine's day because of Valentine's day CANDY!! - and Valentine's day candy means chalky Valentine's day conversation hearts! YUM!!! (none of that sweet tart shit. I want the chalky sugar type!)
And really, if you're married, in a relationship or single, nothing beats Valentine candy. Except maybe when you're trying to lose some back and face fat. (ahem)

Damn it!

Okay, never mind. I hate Valentine's day too.