Friday, August 26, 2011

Chock Full of Shit.

The blackheads have taken over my nose.... again.

Before I get into the ugly details, let me tell you about this oily war zone I have on my face that used to be my nose. I have a typical Filipino nose. A nose that no troll could live under because I have no bridge. (That last sentence made a lot more sense in my head I swear.) Then if you go just past the no bridge, you'll get to the bulk of my nose, which sits on my face like a half-eaten mushroom.

On top of this deformed mushroom is where the blackheads have multiplied like horny rabbits. It has always been a volatile area since the pores on top of my nose are so large you can park your Ford Fiesta in there. But lately, it has gotten a lot worse - maybe its the humidity here in the Midwest or maybe my parents were right, I am full of shit and I'm finally overflowing.


click on the picture to see the gory details....

Regardless, the blackheads on my nose have been GROWING WILD (<-- hi GB2 subject of the week!) on my nose as of late. Thankfully, due to my short stature, a normal sized person would have to take a plank position to even see the top of my nose. It hasn't offended anyone but me. The problem is mine and mine alone. So I armed myself with a Biore strip. A Biore strip is not only entertaining in that it's the only time you can paper mache your nose with no apologies, but it also sucks the blackhead out harder than Pamela Anderson can suck a hot dog through a straw. (Again that was way more hilarious in my head than on paper. Stick it out folks, its gonna be a short post I promise.)

So there I was, feeling victory being had on top of my paper mache'-ed nose while I caught up on Jersey Shore episodes. (Yes I watch it. And yes I hate myself for loving it).
Super Strength Biore

15 minutes later, while putting the fist pumping on pause, I peeled the strip off nice and slow, pulling out the enemy - expecting to see a handful of them only it was more than a handful. It looked like a grassy meadow - except the grass was made with oil, dirt and stank that had been squatting on my nose pores.

It was satisfying, like every Biore war I have on my nose. A satisfying feeling seeing those tiny slivers of muck standing out in the open, exposed for the disgusting things that they are and disposed in my bathroom trash can.

So satisfying in fact that I wrote a whole post about it. I'm enjoying it right now because I know my vacant nose pores is a temporary thing. Slowly but surely - the squatters will come back and I'll have to break out the big Biore guns. Good thing there's six in the box.

For now, let's have a moment of silence to listen to the wind whistle inside my empty spacious pores. Thank you for sharing my victory. And feel free to enjoy looking at my squeaky clean mushroom nose. Try not to fuck up your back while you're admiring it.

5 comments:

Jo said...

Thank you, thank you. Was not having a particularly good morning and I saw you had posted and KNEW it would make me smile! Actually made me LOL...I love your posts!

Angela Parson Myers said...

No back problem here. Suspect you and I would pretty much see eye to eye--and nose to nose. And I, in spite of my Viking ancestry, also have no bridge--plus, my nose is square on the end. Go figure.

Enjoyed the post.

Word Nerd said...

I love that literally ANY topic can be an Elaine topic...this just proves it. I have a bridgeless nose, too, but I make up for it with lots of forehead and chin.

The Frizzy Hooker said...

That was completely entertaining.

Brenda Stevens said...

cute lil shiny nose again..bye bye wildly growing oil fields..Awesomeness!! lolOLOLOL