But unless that really happens, who wants to hear that noise? I think I already whined about leaving California a couple years back (false alarm. apologies all around). Am I really sad about having extra cash in the bank every month that in turn will actually allow us to vacation as a family (which we haven't done), go on a honeymoon (yeah, almost 13 years of marriage and still NO honeymoon) or visit my moms/dads in the Philippines, or our rent that's less than half of what we're paying here? No, there's nothing to be sad about at all.
So there. I saved you the trouble of telling me to shut the fuck up because as you can see I've already done it for you.
You know what I'm REALLY sad about?
Megan Fox and the tough relationship she's currently having with her face. She is, what Michael K from Dlisted would describe as, 'fighting the hot.'
When I first saw Megan Fox. I gasped as my heart suddenly went into palpitations at this younger Great Value Brand Angelina Jolie. She was truly a vision.
Then slowly, almost unnoticeably, the vision that was Megan Fox didn’t seem to be quite at a perfect 20/20 vision anymore. It’s hard to point out what it is exactly, like a puzzle that’s missing a piece but jammed into completion anyway. There’s something a little… off. I don't know what's going on but here are five theories I totally made up at first but now secretly believe.
1. SHE'S ALLERGIC TO EX-BEVERLY HILLS 90210 CAST MEMBER SPERM
If this is the case, then as bad luck would have it, she happens to be married to an ex-90210 cast member, Brian Green AKA, David Silver. Semen allergy is rare but it does happen. Even though the symptoms of a sperm allergy are mainly confined to a burning, itching sensation in the genital area, medical studies did not research what would happen to one's face if one got a creamer from a guy who was a centerfold for Bop Magazine in 1992. We're positive that if this study was conducted, Megan's severely swollen five head would be the end result.
2. SHE'S ADDICTED TO BOTOX
While Botox is fine in small doses, using Botox to try and achieve the smoothness of your granite kitchen counter tops is not okay. Botox addiction is not a pretty sight, especially when you're up close to an addict, because now you have to pretend you don't notice the one eyebrow that's frozen into a horrifying vertical angle. Botox abuse is common in the movie star world and could be the guilty party we need to blame on why she's looking less and less like a girl and more like an X-rated muppet that Jim Henson made for his own um...'personal' entertainment.
3: MEGAN FOX IS ALREADY DEAD AND HER BODY IS NOW BEING PROPPED UP BY HER AGENTS ALA WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S.
It's a stretch but I wouldn't put it past sleazy talent agents to handle an accidental death of their cash cow as if it never happened. There are enough make-up and special effects artists in Hollywood to make her corpse look fresh and lifelike. Pump a little saline here, tighten up a puppet string there, prop those eyelids open with some double sided scotch tape and wala! Megan is alive and ready to act in mediocore movies while throwing in a couple nip slips and girl on girl kisses to ensure continued celebrity success. Hey, if they can do it to Britney Spears corpse, we see no reason why they wouldn't do it with Megan.
4. SHE ISN'T ONE OF US AND IS IN FACT PART OF THE NEW RACE OF ADVANCED SPECIES.
Maybe a muppet isn't the best word to describe what Megan's evolving into. Maybe she's one of the many extraterrestrials that may have been planning to infiltrate the earth for millions of years. Megan could possibly be on a little Louis and Clark expedition for the little gray men, casing out the joint and helping the aliens slowly kill uss off by making the mens jerk their swimmers on a sticky picture of Megan rather than pointing it towards their women's baby box. Out of all the possibilities, I want to believe this the most; however there's one giant hole in this theory I just can't ignore. No mentally advanced species (or anyone with eyeballs and some taste) would have gotten that inane quote about butterflies laughing at hang gliders or whatever the hell it says on their body.
5. MEGAN GOT A BUDGET SURGERY BACKSTAGE AT A DONKEY SHOW IN TIJUANA
Even if you've never been to Tijuana, everyone's had a "Tijuana experience." They even made a movie about it called "The Hangover" except it took place in Las Vegas which is basically our very own Tijuana (minus the 'pharmacies' that dole out Vicodin from a 25 cent candy machine.) The experience of drinking so much that you completely forget what you did the night before and you discover brand new piercing in orifices that you never knew existed. Megan's appearance could have also been a result of a botched plastic surgery that she unknowingly requested after drinking shots of tequila that the bartender also used as gas for his lawn mower. I'm guessing a back alley medical procedure would consists of simple tools. Her lips being pounded back into place with a wooden mallet by Doctor Frijoles Bueno is the perfect explanation as to why they look like a dog's raw shit winker after it's taken a big dump.
Whatever the situation is with Megan Fox's face, it's clearly up to no good an it needs to be stopped. File this right under "Save Katie Holmes" on our to-do list.
However, with all that being said, I'd totally still tap it....if I had the equipment to do said tapping that is.