Friday, January 28, 2011

Play, Fiddle, Jack, we're not talking about a Yo Gabba Gabba Song...

I'm going to not half-ass my weekly post this week and actually try and follow the Focus52 prompt (PLAY). Unfortunately, my brain has purchased real estate in the gutter because upon seeing the word PLAY, my brain automatically said, 'with yourself.'

"BRAIN!" I said, "you horrible, dirty, vile little mass of gray! Do you ever take a break from your filth?!" Brain needn't reply because I already knew the answer to that question and it rhymes with Ho.

I tried to ignore brain and write about PLAYing in the park, or how I love me some PLAY-doh or the one time I auditioned for a PLAY in high school, but all I got was a background part with the lamp and yet I was still required to find 'motivation for my character' (Farmer Girl 1 in act 4). It was useless, all I can think of was "Play....with yourself." So who am I to ignore inspiration? Let's jump right in shall we? (Don't worry, I'll pass out hand sanitizers at the end of this post.)

If you think about it, playing with yourself is quite an art form. Some people are purists and simply use the tools that they already came equipped with while others employ other tools to reach maximum 'Oh' face. Today class, we'll be focusing on the myriad of 'Oh'some tools that are available via the internet which is by far the easiest and most discreet way of buying sexual toys. For this piece, I decided to browse a store/website called Adam and Eve.

They had the usual dildos, vibrators and bullets for the ladies and rubber sleeves and fake vaginas for the men.
I never really understood the need for the fancy dildos with retracting antennas, strobe lights, three speed knobby knobs and 'lifelike veins'. Let's hit on those last two words for a moment, shall we? 'Lifelike' and 'Veins' (*shivers*)

First of all, if I'm buying a toy, let's NOT have it look lifelike mmm'kay???? I don't know about you, but penises are unnerving to look at when you're not in the heat of passion. Like a really depressed boiled sausage with a damp, misshapen hat, getting ready to go to the store for some Slim Jims that he'll then put in his fanny pack that he wears backwards. (He's also soft spoken, married with two kids and enjoys watching CSI but I digress...) And adding the veins to make it even more lifelike? Yeah, that's not exactly a selling point for me. I'll stick to the smooth neon blue dild with the rabbit ears please, although personally, I always thought the bullet got the job done. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious to take this buzzy butterfly jock strap for a test run. Hands free 'Oh' face!

Think how much more enjoyable errands would be!(I loooovvveee waaaassshing disssshess!!)

The guys have way more 'lifelike' toys available to them than the girls do. I suspect it's because men are 'visual' creatures when it comes to all things sexual. But again, I have to ask why the lifelike?? Granted, in my opinion, a vagina is infinitely better to look at than a peen in terms of aerodynamics and just overall design style. However, the realistic vaginas look even more disturbing than the lifelike dildos because the only 'lifelike' feature on most of the toys is at the entrance and the rest looks like a skinned Glo-Worm.

The fake vagina molds with hair on them is another head scratcher.

I'm not a dude but how is a vagina sporting Barbie's recycled doll hair as a bush a plus? Do we really want a sex toy that can't even be bothered to groom themselves? Come on, you're paying good money here!

Then there are toys that leave me completely speechless....

The worm of your nightmares!!! EEEK!! Quick, put a penis in it!

Unfortunately, the budget cuts meant having to use grandma as a hand model.

Oh why thank you unidentified armless hands! Now it won't be such a tight squeeze! You're so clever and helpful. I'll have to take you out for drinks after.

Lifelike as in this is what your girlfriend's 'thrilled' face looks like when she's about to give you a pity blow.

I don't really know what the point to this post is other than to give you ideas on what to put on your birthday wish list. (Don't even act like you didn't bookmark that website and registered for a free catalog.) I rarely get a chance to have a good enough reason to look at the Adam and Eve website since I have almost all those toys such a busy life (stop laughing) so this was a nice excuse to peruse the goods they have to offer. If you take anything away from this post besides a deep seated disgust for the author, is that it's okay to PLAY with yourself, even if you have to enlist the help of a five speed, hot pink bullet with a remote control or a silicon head that's eager and ready. It's a great stress reliever, a calorie burner and it's a free feel good that can be scheduled in at any time. So please, by all means, do what my dirty brain tells you and PLAY...with yourself!!

Although, let's not confuse PLAYING with yourself with MAKING LOVE to yourself. Please don't EVER MAKE LOVE to yourself! Ever. If you're so dull that even your own genitals require a seduction scene before giving you some, well then we have more problems than a half hour sitcom can solve.


CP said...

Oh dear God...I died laughing the entire way through this. I cannot believe you managed to get kicked off of F52 for this. ONLY you! LMAO Jesus, not only WENT there, but you built a porta potty, shit in it...and then didn't bother to flush! LMAO

You kill me. You are still the reigning goddess of snarky pigdom. I bow as your aspiring minion. LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh My! All I can say is Thank you for the laugh, and thank you for being you! We all laugh because we all have a secret box, or drawer etc... The funny thing is just yesterday I thought to myself "Hmmm, I think it's time to invest in a new toy". Great minds think alike!

skatebettyT said...

Our secret box is on the dresser, out of the reach of children (of course after the one and only time my 4 year old found the box and was fumbling around with them---that lead to a conversation of "we don't touch that" and him saying "I'm sorry I was playing with the peebirds mommy").

Your blog, although I just found it today, is worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize. If I had one, I'd give it to you. :)