Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Finger Pricks With Fries. Oh and Happy New Year!!

Well whaddya know? It's 2010! And before I go on, let me start this post off with how I wrapped up my 2009:

That's right! I met Miss Diva herself, the D-Listed Queen Kathy Griffin. She was making her rounds with her book signing and lucky me - she happened to be signing books in San Diego! True to her D-List self, she parked in public parking and walked down the street to the bookstore like a normal person, flanked by her two assistants. I knew I was a lunatic, because I knew both of her assistants by their first names and I was doing the Wayne's World I'm not worthy bow as she passed. She was cool and bowed right back at me! Not only did she sign my book but Kathy blessed and wished for me to have a healthy baby who would learn how to curse as soon as possible.

I love her.

After that was basically a whirlwind of family, food, presents and yes, even more food. My family being as cool as they are bought the pregnant lady her cravings, one of which was Pho' soup and the other being fruit - specifically mango slices sprinkled with chili lime salt. Here I am caught in the act but still claiming innocence while my mouth was full of said mango slices:

And now here we are, 2010! No resolutions because I'm pregnant! That's right. I'm using the "I'm pregnant" card for EVERYTHING. See how my hair is all frizzy in that picture above? It's because I'm pregnant. I don't have the patience to blow dry properly. House not spic and span? Well you gotta give me some slack, I'm pregnant! Is she drinking ranch straight from the bottle? Hello. Bun in the oven! Leave me alone. Did she just club that person from behind and steal his Subway sandwich? Well I'm hungry AND pregnant! I needed it more than he did. Did she curb her big truck on the sidewalk again and mowed down an elderly person on a senior scooter? Well.. she's pregnant....and Asian! Booya! Double whammy excuse on my bad driving skills!

It's not that I can't drive, I just can't drive giant trucks too well. It doesn't help that Viking hubby thinks disturbingly short girls (ahem) jumping out of monster trucks is cute. I wonder how he's going to feel a couple months from now when an oompa loompa is screaming at him to lift her up into the truck?

AFTER the baby - this body of mine, which has been quite temperamental weight wise ever since the munchkin was born, are going to have a long discussion about how having a giant ass that's as wide as I am tall is not cute. But we'll cross that fat ass bridge when we get to it.

Speaking of ass, look at the kadonkadonk I'm sporting at only 14 weeks....

Apparently I'm 14 weeks in the front and in my third trimester in the back! That shit's starting to look like a bookshelf.

Interestingly enough, from my last doctor's appointment, I actually lost a pound. It's not like I'm not eating. I am but it's s odd, I'm STARVING one minute, eat two bites of whatever it is that I was craving and I'm full. I don't know what that's about because last time, I was a black hole when it came to eating. I would have eaten a throw pillow if you put enough Tabasco sauce on it. I'm also taking an early blood sugar test in about a week since I had gestational diabetes last time. I'm hoping I don't have it this time around. Pricking your finger every five minutes is not fun. Oh and pregnant women on a diet of no starch, no sugar, no anything except mung beans and dirt- yeah, not too much fun either. So cross your fingers that I don't have GD and this pregnancy is finger prick free.

Hmm, Finger prick. I feel like there's a joke there somewhere but I'm at a loss as to what it would be. (Rosie O'Donnell comes to mind for some reason. Ew.)

But Lay off yo. (pregnant card to be used in...5...4...3...2....) I'm PREGNANT! Don't expect me to be clever on top of everything or I'll eat what's most precious to you with a side of french fries.

ooh Fries!


Immoral Matriarch said...

I wish I had that must ass. Dammit.
*fingers crossed* for the GD test. I had it both pregnancies. I'm grateful it was much easier to handle the second time around though, catching it early. Ari was only 8 lbs 9 oz! Which is teeny, compared to Bella being 10 lbs 14 oz.

And give up carbs my ass, girl you crazy. That's what insulin and exercise is for. lol

kim said...

How the F are you so skinny at 14 weeks?! Bitch.


J. said...

I'm still giggling at 'oompa-loompa'!
Seriously 'laine, I have a visual.

J. said...

oh and yo - change my link, wench :p

Anonymous said...

I love this post.

First: Your haircut is gorgeous! Stunning and you look beautiful!

Second: congratulations on munchkin numero dos. Yay baby!

Third. YOU MET KATHY GRIFFIN!!! Shit. That's what I would have done. Shit on myself.

SHADOW said...

Aww you're so adorable, love the bangs.

You're not even showing yet! Your tummy is still flat like a pancake. Cant wait until you pop. I hope you have been practicing your waddle :-)... I keed, I keed.

And milk that pregnancy card sweetie. I hear it seriously works for everything.

Karen MEG said...

At 14 weeks with baby #2 I was the leaning tower of Pizza - yeah, as in it looked like I ate Pizza for 14 weeks straight.

I didn't know you were pregnant!!!! I feel so lame and out of touch with the blog thing. That is wonderful news, though, so happy for you.

I've always that Kathy Griffin was amazing, even though I never watched any of her shows. Everytime I've seen a clip of her or an interview, I've liked her.