Thursday, April 09, 2009

San Diego is my mother and I shall not be extracted from the comfort of her bosom!!!

Let's start off with some GREAT, FANTABULOUS NEWS! - I'm staying in California!!!! whoooo! The job outlook for the future was much better for viking hubby here than it was in Missouri; we felt it would be foolish for us to leave when he has a 40 hour a week job, a very good reputation with his company and the fact that we just found out that they are signed up to do a lot of big projects in the future. His boss has a rental house east of San Diego that he's offered to us that is a less than what we pay at our current condo. It's on top of a hill, no neighbors, three bedrooms, and...what I'm most excited about ...a wa-wa-wa-..(sorry I'm getting ferklempted) ..a washer and dryer!!! Which means...sniff...no..(hiccup)..no more digging around for quarters to get my laundry done?

Pinch me sweet baby Jesus because it feels like a dream! That is truly the sole reason why I HATE doing laundry, having to go out and get that coin! Either I have to go to Wal-Mart and get the side eye from a disgruntled Wal-Mart cashier when I ask for a roll of quarters, or I have to dig around couches, steal it from unsuspecting bums or children, or sneak into the car wash, get some change and get out of there before the owner sees me and screams "Change fo customah ONLY!"

Although, I'm going to miss living 3 miles away from the beach our consolation prize is we have a pool. And check this out, right after I found out that we got the rental and we were officially staying put for a while, I saw this in the sky:


See? Baby Jesus' daddy be giving me love from above via a heart cloud? Awww. Ain't he sweet? It's like he was all, 'Australia was a crazy idea girl, but here I'll give you this just to show that I got yo back - now shut up about it.' Okay so maybe the cloud looks more like an artichoke than anything else but even so, I wanna believe it's an an 'artichoke heart.' Maybe he's giving me love AND telling me to get a artichoke dip appetizer at Chilis to celebrate. Dual messages and what not.

Moving right along, let's see what wonderful totally irrelevant crap I've discovered/observed this past week....just two things really and then class is dismissed I promise....

You would think running three miles everyday would afford me some time to think about a lot of things, get really deep and introspective about life, maybe meditate a little, get in touch with my inner child and yell at it for being such a dork in 7th grade (and 8th, 9th, ..). So far though the only thing I've realized is I'm one of those idiots that push the walk button 50 kajillion times in hopes that the lovely walking man will pop up and allow me to cross. EVEN if I SAW the red hand just came up and I KNOW that fucker works on a timer, I will still push that button like it's a morphine drip going straight into my veins every time I press it. The only excuse I have for this is because A. the traffic light happens to be right before my home stretch and I just want to get the run over with, go home and soak neck deep in a tub of ben gay and B. I cannot COOL DOWN. I don't know if the traffic light understands that I was born in the 70s and I run a whole lot like a car from the 70s. It takes me a while to warm up and if I cool down, I basically shut off. My body thinks "oh this bullshit is over? thank god." And then it'll want to lay down right there on the curb and take a nap. That's how the ol' machinery works people and that damn traffic light just doesn't understand me but at all.

You know what multiplies faster than Octo-Mom? (wait does that joke make sense? bah! you know what I mean!) Publisher's Clearing House contest entries! I made the mistake of filling out an entry form because I'm a retard like that and the prize of winning 5,000 a month for life seemed like a great not too over the top prize. (me in two words? total idiot) And all I had to do was take this stamp and stick it to the left side of this entry, and then I take this bright sticker and put it on the envelope to show the PCH mailing crew that it's a rush entry and then oh...I get a nice offer on a box of mighty mend that I only pay 2.99 a month for? Okay, lets put that on because they say ordering something doesn't improve your chances but you know that's some booshit. I think they put the non-order entries into the shredder.

A couple days later, I had THREE entry forms come in the mail all telling me that, YES bitch we got your ENTRY! Good for you! You're SOOO CLOSE! SO CLOSE! All you need to do is open this entry up, put three little stamps on the top of this form, sign that form with blood obtained from a baby chicken and don't forget to look for a BONUS entry in the mail. THAT IS URGENT. You need to fill that out or your other entry is null and VOID! It has a red sticker on it, please take that sticker, put it up your asshole, let it marinate for a day and then put it on top of this yellow envelope. That way we know you're serious.

Meanwhile, I've ordered a mighty mend, a electric bug repellant, (you just plug it in and the bugs STAY away! I wonder if they have those for people? Hmmm.), and a curved shower bar to give the illusion that my bathtub/shower is bigger than what it is. A lot like what my Spice Girl stilts used to do for me in college.

But really guys I'm so close to winning. I'm serious. They are going to be knocking on my door any minute with that giant check (I'm going to have to ask them where I can cash that because I don't think it's not going to fit in the deposit slot at my bank.) Right now, I'm just waiting for THE final entry to come to mail, I think I have to sacrifice a goat and send them the entrails so that I can be in the running for the 500,000 dollar prize.

All right, I'm outtee ya'll. I gotta go see a man about a goat.

8 comments:

Beth said...

I know that you have your hopes up and I hate to dash them, but my youngest daughter is about to get the really big check. She entered the PCH thingy online and now she is GUARANTEED to be one of the FIVE finalists for the moola. And they've even hinted (pretty strongly) that she maybe, might, could possibly be THE big winner.

I'm sure the good folks at PCH aren't pulling her chain. A perfectly good goat gave his all so that she could live the good life...

SHADOW said...

This post had me DYYYYYING!!! Why do you do this to me? I'm too old for this crap. My heart... my heart.

Congrats on the new pad! I'm so blinking jealous of your new washer and dryer. I have to do the whole quarter thing too in my apartment buildings laundry room. GAH! I LOVE doing laundry, but fumbling with quarters just really takes the gas outta the whole thing, ya know?

So umm yeah... about that spare bedroom....

Caroline67 said...

#1. Funniest. Post. Ever. Well, maybe not ever, but certainly one of your best!
#2. Hell YEAH baby, you're staying in Cally-four-neye-ay! WHOOT to da WHOOT WHOOT!

Bluestreak said...

I am so fucking pissing laughing right now. Ok, now I crapped and peed my pants. That´s what I get for letting your posts build up.

P.S. I´m really happy you guys are staying in Cali. I didn´t want to tell you this but Missoura sucks ballz. Just kidding (in case you end up having to move there). It´s not really that bad. Kinda. Whatever, someone shut me up.

Cynnie said...

I LOVE san diego!!
my sis in law lives there and i try to visit every chance i get..
so yay you for getting to stay!!
Im still going to Tx..

Amarillo even ..god help me ..

I guess growing up in Frog Pond NC (Population 600 )
prepared me for this grand adventure :(

Karen MEG said...

Yaaaaaaaaay, you're staying in California! I would love to live in San Diego, not that I know anything about it at all ... but now I know you ;).

Actually if there was anyway that my hubs could get a transfer there for work, I'd do it in a heart beat.

Go get that goat...

J. said...

I want a picture of the new digs girl!

Jenessa said...

Hmmm a 3 bedroom house...sooo you know what my next question will be?