I just realized that January is almost past us (whiplash. that was quick) and I have failed to put down some of my resolutions. I know, I know, it's so cliche and last year I totally rebelled and said screw resolutions! As a result I've put on some uh, 'additional pounds'. Yes, I blame my non-resolution havin' ass for the rotund person that stands before you today. And NO, the endless bags of Circus Peanuts and Tobleron bars had nothing to do with it! Don't EVER blame the sweets!
You've been warned.
I guess you see where I'm headed with this - I'm doing quite the opposite this year, not only do I have resolutions, but I went all SUPER DUPER cliche and added "losing weight and eating better" as one of them. Yawn I know. Only this time, I think I'm actually going do it instead of just writing it down somewhere and then using it as toilet paper the next day. So what's the difference between this year and the years prior where I've had the same resolution you ask? (in that all knowing, motherly yet doubtful tone.) In the past, I've always wanted to lose weight but it was MAYBE 5 pounds here and 10 pounds there, which was the difference between eating 2 Circus Peanuts instead of 5 Circus Peanuts. (I'm really craving those sugar bombs right now, can you tell?) - It was never anything a little starvation and diet pills couldn't shart out of me in about a two weeks, so I never took it too seriously. Well - all that yo yo sharting finally caught up with me, the 5 pounds turned to 10 pounds, turned to 15 pounds and turned to .....(brace yourself)....... 20 POUNDS!!!
20 pounds is bad enough on a normal sized person but 20 pounds on a midget puts me at defcon oompa loompa and Operation Don't Be A Fat Ass is now in full effect.
What really forced me to join my friend Kim's aptly titled "Operation Don't Be A Fat Ass" resolution wagon was that I had a lot of events that came up last year - three weddings, two of which I was the 'reverend' and a cruise - and all of which required a lot of video and photo documentation. In almost every picture taken of me, it appeared as though a swarm of bees had descended upon my face and body and stung the shit out of me seconds before the picture was snapped. I looked like I had eaten my skinnier self with a side of fries. In other words, I have turned into a swollen, puffy muffin - I'm a puffin:
Well except Puffins are cute and I, with my extra 20 pounds, cannot be called cute at the moment.
Roly poly? sure. Chubbles, ruler of all fried crap with cheese? Perhaps. But cute, NO.
And yes, I do admit, as much as I don't like to place blame - the sweets and starchy delicious crap I ate with abandon MIGHT have had something to do with the extra jiggle in my jangle.
So goodbye Circus Peanuts - you know I still love you but it seems whenever I do love you the most, the rewards are fleeting and the consequences linger (mostly in my mid-section and my face). The same to you House Special Beef from Pick Up Stix, giant Tobleron chocolate bar, Little Debbie zebra cakes, 99 cent spicy chicken sandwich from Carl's Jr. - for such a cheap little whore, you sure loved me good - alas it hurts me to say goodbye to all of you. I know I'll see you again, (in moderation) but it'll never be like it was before. Sniff.
And this year, much to my surprise, I've welcomed...(gulp) ... RUNNING into my life. I'll admit, it's still in the sucking stage where it feels like someone has stuck blazing hot metal poles in my shins and I die a little inside. But after slowly working my way up to 3 miles last week (with a lot of help from my friend Sandy who has lost a whopping 50 pounds since October) and not collapsing into a puddle of broken bones and tears, I will keep at it until my shins are numb from the pain. Hopefully, this tired ol' resolution won't make another appearance next year.
Anyone else on the lose weight resolution wagon with me? Let's help each other's fat asses try not to fall off this year!