Friday, January 30, 2009

I Had A Pre-Pubescent Mustache - True Tales From Unfortunate Girl.

When I'm not diligently working, sometimes....SOMETIMES....on occasion ... - I'll take a peek onto Facebook and just browse around for like five minutes before going back to work. Although Facebook must have some sort of weird energy field because whenever I go on there, my clocks go haywire and by the time I get back to work, it says I've been there for a half an hour.

So weird.

Lately these Facebook friends, most of them old high school peeps, have started posting photos from when we were back in high school or even as far back as Jr. High or Elementary. I don't know who started it, but it caught on like wildfire - that even I got swept up in the commotion and posted a few. Thankfully, I wasn't really a part of the 'popular group' and I was an unfortunate looking child that no one was lining up to take a picture of, so I knew that there wouldn't be a lot of old pictures coming back to haunt me on Facebook - my best friend Judy might have a few she could blackmail me with but she is without a personal computer right now so I posted my collection indiscriminately, feeling confident it wouldn't come back and bite me in the ass.

However, it did come back and bite me in the ass when I woke up this morning and saw that old h.s. chum, Sherri, had tagged me on two pictures titled 'Back in the day..'


And OF COURSE - one of them was from Jr. High. when my appearance resembled that of the transgendered variety. And while it's true that everyone looks dorky in Jr. High, most people at least still represented their gender whereas I think in this picture, I had the makings of what appears to be a light mustache. Fabulous. Thank god I didn't smile or you would have seen my grill in all their crooked pre-braces glory.

It briefly made me want to go back in time and give that little boy a hug and tell her it'll be okay, you get amazing boobs junior year! For reals! And you'll start looking like an actual girl by the time college rolls around! And for the love of Nair - wax that caterpillar off your lip!

Those awkward years sure are the best. Especially when they last well into high school!

Moving right along, sorry I haven't blogged in what seems like forever - there has really been nothing going on as of late, just the usual life; although I am getting ready to do my audition tape for the Australia job and again, I hope you come out in droves and score me five stars after you see it so I may get the gig, pee in my pants with excitement and postpone the move to MISERY (Missouri) if only for 6 months.

I'm sure you've heard of all the hubbub about Britney's new song coming out called If You Seek Amy. And while I agree that it is an inappropriate song to be playing during the day when children can sing along to it - (particularly MINE - lately, the munchkin belts Heartless by Kanye in the car with full abandon.) - I'm REALLY surprised that other lyrics haven't been called into question - not so much for their profanity but more for their stupidity. One particular lyric I had in mind was from Sean Kingston's song, Take You There:

We can go to the tropics, sip pina coladas, shorty I could take you there, or we can go to the slums, where killers get hung, shorty I could take you there.

Clearly the obvious choice is number two, - who wants a boring ol Pina Colada when you can get a front row ticket to a hanging! It's so retro, so Salem Witch Trial chic! I'm only disappointed that Sean didn't offer me a starring role in a snuff film.

Another lyric is Lil Wayne's song Lollipop. Now I could go on and on about Lil' Wayne and his no rhymin' ass - I don't care how great of a rapper you think are when you start singing rhyming words by mixing up your Scrabble game pieces, you've got problems:

I told her back it up like burp burp and make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp.

Now, before I go off about this - is Lil' Wayne a Lil' Slow? Because if he is, then I can almost excuse that lyric otherwise, what exactly is he talking about? Are they having sexual relations or is he having an intervention at a buffet? And how does one make ones ass jump like 'shczerp shczerp?' Inquiring minds want to know because at best my ass can twitch and flap but only when I've eaten some bad Mexican food and there's no restrooms available.

I know - I'm just babbling aren't I? Too bad, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I DO.

Okay, you're excused.

Have a great weekend!


Payal said...

Yo Momma - Your blog is AWESOME!!! You are a wonderful writer. I never knew you were! Did you write in high school?

Cynnie said...

I have to stay away from facebook ..My CHILDREN have found me so cramps my style..
hard to post nasty stuff when you know your 30 year old son is reading :(

Aww..I see photos of me when i was young ..i wish I could go back and tell her everythings gonna be alright..:)

Joseph said...

Jesus Christ in Heaven, girl! Joseph, Mary and Pontius Pilot having tacos in the snow!!! Who the hell are all those poor children with Aqua Net enhanced BANGS???? The late eighties were so cruel... Them and the chemical companies.

Yo Momma said...

payal: Thanks! I actually did NOT write in high school - I was too busy running around like a jackass in class of 95 wings remember?? LOL!

Cynnie: LOL! Just ignore their friend requests girl! How messed up is that? Refusing your own children on facebook.

Joey: Those girls were stylin' in the day - me on the other hand, I used the can of Aqua Net to keep my eyebrows in check.

Bluestreak said...

facebook is the spawn of the devil. And I can't. stay. away.

Miss-Informed said...

I must be honest in the picture you posted you sure could have passed for a Sam or Pat!!! I have the same type of picks!
Heehee, I too had the great luck of upper lip hair and a bowl cut at one point in time....thanks Mom!

Sad...sad day's!
Go Team Nair!

Karen MEG said...

Funny that I should read this after attending a high school reunion (organized via Facebook) this past Saturday.

I'm still waiting for amazing boobs to happen and have come to the conclusion that I'd have to buy them; and I don't think I like the picture of me at a saggy 70 with a stand at attention chest.

I would have so hung around with you in high school except I would have been about 50 years too old and that would be creepy ;)