Tuesday, August 05, 2008

St. Viagno - God of Infertility. Patron Saint of Limp Noodle

Dear God, Light, Energy, Cosmic Waves, or Estelle Getty,

I recall a year or so ago I was watching a COPS episode, giggling at a drug addict who was on t.v. declaring to the world that the gallon bag of crack that the cop just pulled out of his ass drum wasn't his. (I didn't know that was there!). My giggles turned into low growls as they then showed a guy who was drunk and passed out in his car near a park that his 5 year old was playing in. Apparently he had been passed out for at least two hours while his little girl played in the park unsupervised. Thankfully there were some parents who called the cops on the ass hat.
It was at this moment that I closed my eyes and prayed.

"Please dear almighty up above, don't smite me for questioning your methods and management skills, but I do feel that the whole reproductive system could use a little tweaking here and there. I'm not questioning the actual process. I mean, sperm finds egg, makes baby, ferments a bit and then comes shooting out the ol' crotchola. Brilliant. Well ... except for the crotchola exit bit, but we'll talk about reviving the whole stork idea later... back to the lecture at hand.
Is it too late to create a sub-god? A patron saint specifically in charge of managing the whole procreation deal? It just doesn't seem right that idiots have this god-like power of procreation. If you haven't already noticed, there seems to be a lot of dull metal book ends that get together, make a baby and completely fuck that baby up. The couple I saw in Las Vegas wondering why their 3 year old was screaming bloody murder at a loud and bright casino ......at 1:00 am?? Which is really nothing if you compare it to the woman who's 2 year old went missing and she didn't report it for a month? The guy who left his 3 year old sleeping in the car by himself while he went and watched a midnight showing of The Dark Knight? How about those fucks sticks who left their 14 year old disabled teenager to starve to death in her own bed because they were embarassed that she had cerebral palsy?
Simple animals will fight to the death to keep their young alive and yet, we, the supposed 'advanced' species, are capable of doing acts to our own that is so disgusting, there's no animal behavior you can compare it to because it's behavior that's so close to pure evil and selfishness, I'm completely at a loss for words on how to describe it.

So I'm begging whoever is up there again, please, we need a regulator. A procreation God above who will turn squiggly sperm into tapioca pudding and healthy eggs into dried up raisins if it sees that incompetent retards are about to bump uglies and accidentally make a baby. Can we start taking applications for that position soon? And might I suggest Gary Busey as a prime candidate. That crazy ho's face and his giant, compact car sized teeth can render any human being infertile.

No sexy times for you!! I will scratch your uterus with my teeth lady!
Chomp. Chomp.

Thank you.


Anonymous said...


Immoral Matriarch said...

LMFAO. Goddamn you need a job as Perez' ghost writer. That shit would be much more entertaining. Would you like to be a contributor on my new blog? You could bring the funny.

Tug said...

AMEN SISTAH. Praise Hey-zoos and Estelle forever more, amen.

chomp chomp

wallycrawler said...

Ever since that accident with da bike, he reminds me of "Two Face" from "Batman"!

Kind'a like half Buddy Holly & half Frankenstein!