A Giant Pussy.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not always the power hungry, man eating, martini swigging, cigar smoking gigolo that you put up on a pedestal. Sorry for shattering the dream but there has been many a time that my popped collar and irresistible sneer has wavered. Here's just 10 of them for you to remember and use against me later for your own benefit.

You're welcome.

1. My first night in college, I cried quietly into my pillow so my roommate wouldn't know that I had turned into a 5 year old girl that didn't want to stay at this sleep over anymore and just wanted to go back home so her mommy can tuck her into bed. Did I mention that my college was a only a half hour away from my house?

2. When Forrest Gump reads his son's letter to Jenny's grave? The midget immediately heads to Blubbering Idiot Street at Snot City U.S.A. EVERY TIME. Same thing with that movie I Am Sam.

3. When I ride those people movers at Disneyland, large ferris wheels, ski lifts, or anything that's parts me from my dear friend, the ground, with very slow movement in a seemingly unstable way. Oh yeah, you can be sure that the ol' lip is quivering with fear... along with my butt cheeks. You know how most people get weak knees when they're afraid? I get the butt quivers. No joke.

4. Crossing a street with no type of traffic control device telling me that I'm not going to become someone's brand new hood ornament. Although, I don't necessarily cry as much as I run like Flo Jo and squeal like a pig.

5. The series finale of Three's Company. Shut up.

6. If I hear stories or see pictures of anything having to do with things poking into veins or broken bones, I cover my face and make a noise that sounds similar to a dying rabbit. For some reason, the hand cover and inappropriate animal noises is my self defense against things that might cause my brain to visualize disturbing thoughts. It doesn't work, but I keep trying.

7. Coachella 2006, when the midge tried with all her might to get to the front row to see Madonna at her first (and probably only) performance at a music festival. Instead I ended up outside the tent, crushed against the barrier, hot, sweaty with puke on my shoe and extremely depressed because the only way I could 'see' her was if I stood on my back pack. I think I saw her arm at one point. My tears smeared my 'Spank Me Madonna' sign. Twas' a sad day indeed.

8. One time I waited until the sun came up to go pee. Please note - I had just watched The Ring people. I was afraid that girl with the unfortunate hair extensions and swamp smell was waiting for me behind the toilet. (not Britney. I know it's confusing. Go watch the movie!) I don't really know why I felt the need to say that last part because any way you look at it, that is still an act of a giant POOHSAY.

9. If you want to see me do my best imitation of Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie Halloween, take me on those haunted walks, haunted houses, haunted whatever amusement things they have every year on Halloween. Nothing shatters the midget bravado (or soils midget pants) more than an part time college student with a plastic Freddy mask, jumping out at me from a particle board coffin. (much to Joey's delight.)

10. The movie 300. Because all those abs in one movie SHOULD bring a tear to your eye and make you say God Bless the Spartans. (and the stylist who is clearly a visual genius - and soooo gay.)

sniff....tears......joy.....and more tears....