Tuesday, July 29, 2008

For The Love Of Malty! My downward spiral to pickling myself.

Oh malt vinegar, my tangy pungent friend, our relationship was probably healthier when I only had access to you at Long John's Silvers. But you called out to me at the grocery store and I had to take you home. Twas' then I realized that I not only loved you on my fish, I also loved you on my roast beef sandwiches, - or hell, any sandwich, I loved you on my chicken, I loved you on my burgers, and when I needed you most (I accidentally bought a can of Jalapeno Pringles - gross. They were on sale like 5 for 2 bucks or something so you know I was in grabfest city, not even knowing what the hell I was grabbing.), you were there to comfort me and let me know that your wonderful flavor can overcome even the grossest of chips. (Yes, I doused the chips in malt vinegar. Shame.) And while I love you so, I realized I had a problem when I thought about putting you in my spaghetti. The spaghetti tasted wonderful and there was no reason for your participation and yet, there I was, making that walk to the cupboard as I had a million times before that day. However, little did I know, this walk was different. When I called out to you...there was no answer.
"Malty?" Oh malty my love, I need you!"
Silence.
I opened the cupboard quickly and saw that.....YOU WEREN'T THERE! My heart stopped momentarily. Where could you have gone!? This is where I always put you! Frantic, I began pushing the other, less meaningful spices and sauces aside. "Damn you Creole fish fry mix, get out of my way!" Even the Costco sized garlic powder, immense in its size, was thrown onto the counter like a regular sized pepper shaker. Finally, when the dust settled, there was only the stench of my desperation and the never ending emptiness of the cupboard staring me in the face.
Malty was gone and I had hit rock bottom.
"Noooooo!!! I just wanted one more sweet little drop and I swear, I SWEAR I'll stop. I was getting sick of it anyway..I...I just wanted to add a little flavor....to my.....oh Malty where are you!?"
I sunk down in the corner of my kitchen, sweaty, shaking and in shock. I didn't even get to say good bye! I could feel the withdrawals start to creep in as I thought about my partaking in future culinary delights without malty around to enjoy them with me. Viking hubby walked over to me, put a comforting hand on my shoulder and said the sentence the saved my sanity.
"The malt vinegar is already on the kitchen table along with the Parmesan cheese because I knew you would use it on your spaghetti you freak."

Oh malty! I knew you'd never leave me!


Seriously. Someone take my bottle of malt vinegar away from me before I pickle myself. This is a love I never knew existed.

7 comments:

The Gilles Family said...

LOL I'm both a little mortified, and intrigued!

Tug said...

OMG this cracked me up. I need to go to the store now.......

Joseph said...

Just divulging all of your beauty secrets lately, aren't you?

dsjchipple1992 said...

That's kinda gross and funny all at the same time.

Caroline said...

Far be it from me to critique another blogger's taste buds, but PASTA?!?! That's ... different.

Yo Momma said...

i know, i'm a sick sick woman.....

Franki said...

I have this problem with a chinese black vinegar. it is beautiful with EVERYTHING.