Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Magic Fairy Pubes

So Las Vegas and Mother's day was great! I hope you all had a great mother's day. To recap I went to a college friend's wedding in Las Vegas, she got married at the Paris Hotel and the more weddings I go to, the more I'm convinced that the smaller the wedding, the better. No worries about how the centerpieces that no one cares about look, no fake smiling and greeting guests you're somehow related to in a past life that you didn't even know existed until that day, etc. It was what a wedding should be, intimate and stress free. Anyways, blah blah, here's the viking hubby and I dressed at our best.



It's the hottie (viking hubby) and the nottie (um, hello). See that little head tilt I'm doing there so you can see right up my nostril? Yes, that is my sad attempt to "appear" taller...or at least within normal adult range. I'm failing miserably and I always fail miserably but I can't seem to bring myself to stop that head tilt and just embrace the midgetitus that I've been dealt with. Although I prefer tilting my head up instead of people doing the "pity crouch" when taking pictures with me. Nothing makes me feel more like a toddler than the "pity crouch." Please don't crouch down to my level, you don't want to be down here, you just stay up there and let me tilt my head up please. Thank you.

I loved that dress I was wearing because I got it off the rack and it fit perfectly! Being four foot nothing and finding a dress that fits right off the rack is a lot like finding magic fairy pubes in your cereal. (wha? I have no idea......) so yeah, a dress that needs not be hemmed means I'm going to wear the ever living shit out of that sucker. You can bet your ass I'm going to be the best looking chick at the Big Lots tomorrow.

Please note that the boobies are holding up on their own with no support. This is why I wear my bra ALL THE TIME. These types of events where I have to wear something sleeveless or tube top-y is like my boobie Olympics. This is the kind of shit the girls train for all year round.

After the wedding, we all had drinks at the Paris lounge later that evening. While drinking, I distinctly heard a child crying. I know, no big deal right? I mean you hear children cry all the time in public places but this was especially weird because it was 1:30 IN THE MUTHERFREAKIN MORNING!! The ass stains that were his parents thought that taking a 3 year old to a brightly lit, loud, smoky, oxygen pumped (did you know they pump pure oxygen into these casinos to make you feel "awake!") casino would be a wonderful family outing. WTF?!?!? They were sitting there trying to calm the kid down and it took all my strength not to throw my red bull and vodka at them. Um yeah he's throwing a tantrum BECAUSE he's beyond TIRED you shitsticks!
Vasectomy and sterilization for twat couple on aisle 3 - stat.

Dear Clairon Hotel in Las Vegas,
If the remote control only works when you're 3 inches away from the t.v. why even fucking tease me with it? Why not just have a t.v. with a channel knob, bunny ears and a sign above that that says, "you overpaid for this room and we're a bunch of cheap assholes that think housekeeping is throwing your pillows on the bed in every which way and re-hanging your wet towels back on the rack."

At least be up front with your half assness and price gouging. Sheesh.

Dear Cheesburger bite that I had at the 7-11 on our way home from the Paris,
You may look like a dirty, dried up piece of turd - but man, get a little drunk, put you in between a hot dog bun with some ketchup and lo and behold, you turned into a gourmet meal!
Thank you turd burger for satisfying my hunger and soaking up some of that vodka.


HEAVEN

7 comments:

Lizzle said...

The dress is super cute!

As for Vegas, I recommend you find yourself a ridiculously wealthy cousin who throws around money like life is a monopoly game. I mean you'll end up in the pimp daddy suite, have gourmet meals, and bottle service in the distinctly child-free VIP section of all the best clubs. I highly recommend picking one up!

Yo Momma said...

Lizzle: Okay, you didn't say what store you got that rich cousin from? haha! Usually we do the whole club hopping thing when my friends and I go to Las Vegas. In fact the girl that got married used to live there so we get in free and first in line for almost EVERY club. But there was family there as well, so we knew that they didn't want to do that. So just chillin in the lounge, listening to bad lounge music and watching bad parents while I got drunk was the other option.

Elizabeth Grace said...

Wearing a dress straight off the rack is a major achievement, so I hope you won't mind if I hate you for a few minutes...
...still hating you...
...not over it yet...
...it's fading, I think...
...okay, I'm all better.

I'm 5'3" (when I stand up nice and tall), but I have normal length legs, so that means that the whole top half of my body is compressed into a really small area. "Off the rack" and "dress" have never been in the same sentence for me, at least not coupled with "fit perfectly."

The dress does look great, though, and your nostrils are fabulously clean.

Tug said...

LOVE the dress, but why does it look like you have a piece of paper coming out of your boob to your neck? Is it just my picture? Is it me?

...please don't let it be me...

Fairy pubes I'm not so sure about, but hey - since I've never tried 'em, who am I to knock 'em.

Yo Momma said...

tug: that's the light playing tricks on you girl. We were standing under a low ceiling with these weird spotlight things..so no, I wasn't using my cleavage as a briefcase or anything. ;p

Tug said...

I wondered if it was something like that...I just couldn't get close enough to your cleav to see the light. ;-)

Lizzle said...

Tell you what, you can borrow monopoly cousin for a weekend if I can borrow viking hubby...

OOOH-CHI-WAH-WAH!

(In other words, you better not put up any more pictures of your husband, lest the rest of the single women of the world get word of your big viking secret! You got a good one!)