Friday, April 25, 2008

Go Suckee Suckee....FLF: The Late Edition

To My Dearest John,

Holy red gag ball gay biker man! what the heck is going on here? Did you actually grow your facial hair like that on purpose or is that some dirty sanchez residue from Tommy girl's vagina? How many times do I have to tell you to bring some baby wipes when you get down and dirty with Tom at the Scientology Centre? Whatever the case may be, the whole "bearded lady/construction worker from The Village People" look just isn't cutting it for me John boy, I don't care what Tom Cruise says. If he wants to reenact Deliverance he's going to have to get someone butchier than you.
Then again, I guess if you pair it with assless leather chaps and some nipple clamps you'd be one hot looking bear. Next time take pictures of your Scientology sexcapades will ya so that I may properly judge your fetish attires.

I hope you at least snatched that dress from Minnie Mouse after the event, we both know how pretty Tom looks in polka dots and lace.

All Hail Xenu,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Mariah,

Thank you for giving me the best news I’ve heard all year. You deciding not to procreate gave me hope that you had at least two brain cells in that empty barrel head of yours that still kick start and fire every once in a while. Although it was short lived because the reason you gave for not wanting to have a baby was because you’d feel “violated.”

You do know that you give birth through your roast beef sandwich and NOT your leather cheerio right? And you do know that a BABY will be coming out and NOT a biker with a fu man chu holding a giant blue dildo (John?)? I just wanted to make sure you understood the word “violated” properly because I have a feeling that the English language is as foreign to you as knee length skirts or any dress that’s NOT from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

The only statement I didn’t agree with you on was when you said you didn’t think you could properly educate a child right now. I personally think a child can benefit from your worldly teachings. Learning how to sleep with the right record executive to get ahead and how to wear plastic stiletto heels while you work out? Courses like that need to be mandatory in all schools…or at least offered as a two day course at the Learning Annex.

Now normally, I would feel better if you gave me your ovaries so that I can be absolutely SURE that we won’t be subjected to your diva spawn but I have a feeling you’d confuse them for your tonsils so never mind.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Tila,

If a twat and a taint fell in love and had a baby, it would look like you.
If Sesame Street made a muppet who did sexual favors for crack on Oscar the Grouch’s corner, it would look like you.
If there was a fuglytown you’d be the mayor. (weak!)
If I took my daughter’s Hello Kitty doll and used it to wipe my dog’s ass, it would kinda look like you.
If I then took that shit stained Hello Kitty doll and backed my car over its face, it would REALLY look like you.
The bag lady by the Vons with 50 cats in her grocery cart and no teeth? Yup. Dead ringer.
Have you collected your check from Pixar yet? Clearly they used your face as the template for the movie ANTS.

Damn you for being a famous for nothing Asian wanna be bisexual skank that everyone seems to know. I wish you would go suckee suckee on a tailpipee for one dollah.

With love,

Yo Momma.

Yeah I know it's practically a Fan Letter Saturday, but I haven't been offered a spot on Madonna's tour just yet, so I have to stay at my day jobs for now and all this "work" just sucks the crassy sassy right out of my assy. Oh and let's not mention the fact that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep because I've been counting down the SECONDS for my trip to NY next week!

Whooooooo!!!! (Joey are you excited yet??)

Have a great weekend everybody!


Joseph said...


The Immoral Matriarch said...

THANK YOU!!!! Tila looks like a godamned Blow Pop with that big ass head.

Tug said...

Who is Tila? I'm so out of it here.

John? eww yucka. Mariah? Can't wait to see pictures of her when she's 80 - I'm sure she'll still be supporting Fredericks. blecha.

Caroline said...

Mariah is too in love with Mariah to make room in her heart (or other organs) for anyone else. Plus babies can't wear stiletto heels and shouldn't stay out all night. AND ... Mariah dresses like she's twenty years younger than she is already, who needs offspring to remind people of that even more?

Ozy said...

I love your writing!

I don't really like Mariah that much but you gotta admit that she still looks pretty good for her age.

Anonymous said...

Can't STAND that skank!