Monday, February 04, 2008

My Mind Subscribes To HD Cable and Tom Cruise Impregnated Me Over Dinner.

Santa Maria Cruise, Patron Saint of Batshit Crazy.

First of all, my apologies to Jali ... your Giants done good girl. In fact, it was probably one of the best Superbowls I ever done seen. I'm a sucker for underdogs kicking ass and to be honest, I cannot stand the sight of Tom "I left my girlfriend when she was 6 months pregnant" Brady. So the fact that Eli Manning handed him an ass whooping was quite enjoyable to watch. And speaking of Eli Manning, does that guy even have pubes? He's like 12 years old right?

So anyways, I'm sitting here not knowing exactly what I just ate but my stomach is not giving me good news about whatever it is that I did eat. I don't have to run to the toilet just yet, but I can feel something brewing in there...something epic ...something that I'll be telling my grandkids I'm sure, a papaw poop story in the making. This in turn has made me forget about what the hell I'm suppose to be writing about right now.

I think I was going to write about those guys who ride a 10 speed in all out Lance Armstrong gear who feel the need to ride their bike right in front of my car everytime I go to the beach. Rain sleet or snow, morning, noon, or night, you can count on them riding the Tour De' Yuppie at all hours. I don't get mad per se, I get annoyed sure but most of the time, my brain just goes into visualization mode and usually my head pictures the attempt of the biker to get into the tight biker shorts and tight spandex shirt they're wearing. They might dress like Lance but 90% look like less like him and more like a half squeezed toothpaste roll (no butt, big gut).
which ultimately leads to the worst visual of all....
"How smashed are his coin purses right now?"
ESPECIALLY sitting on that piece of padded metal they call a "seat." I know they don't sit on them most of the time when they're racing for the Pretentious Cup but you have to sit on them at some point right?

Visualization is a big problem for me. My mind is on auto visualization mode and I also have a bad habit of putting personalities on things. For example, let's say a girl with a muffin top dunlapping over her jeans walks in front of me. (yesterday)
A. I imagine her standing in front of the mirror desperately trying to see what she SAW that made that outfit a thumbs up for her. AND B. I picture her jean button holding on for its dear life, trying to keep those jeans together. This then goes into giving said button a personality...maybe he's an immigrant button from Romania who was lucky enough to be shipped with his other Romanian button friends to the U.S. for a prestigious jean company. He thinks, wow, this is the good life and he sits proudly on those pairs of jeans waiting with bated breath as to who his new owner is going to be. He's heard stories of buttons who have famous owners, so there he sits and waits for his Tom Cruise to come get him. But instead of an effeminate midget, he gets a 16 year old girl with a gift card and a penchant for the 13 piece chicken McNuggget meal at McDonalds. And then well he is, hanging on by a thread.

that's as much as I can think of right now because another wave of Braxton shits cramps are coming.....

wait for it....


False alarm.

From the way it feels, I think I might possibly be giving birth to a half alien, half fish filet and rice pilaf meal. I knew I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with Tom.

I'm going to go sit on the toilet and see how this pans out.

Wish me luck but try not to visualize.


The Dormouse said...

Hey you!
Now its been a while, but i'm desperately trying to get back in the swing of blogs and check my favorites. Yours always gives me a laugh.

That poor poor button.

Feel better

Tug said...

OMG you crack me the hell be in your head for just one day. Wait. an hour.

milisecond?? ;-)

I'm going to scrub my brain with bleach now, 'cause I'm a visual person too. Hope all came out well - LOL.

jali said...

Funnier and funnier.

Your novel should be coming next.

I mean it. It'd be a serious best seller.