Friday, June 01, 2007

FLF: The Celebrity Bible. Please Gather and Worship....

Dear Spencer and Heidi,

Congratulations on your engagement! A rich blonde with fake boobs marrying her
“producer/manager”(thanks to daddy’s money) boyfriend? How unique! And I must give an extra hurrah to Heidi’s loyalty to Spencer. Not only did he try to date one of your best friends, talk shit about your other best friend and tell Playboy models he would have a “naked picnic” with them WHILE he was dating you, BUT it was ALL on tape, aired on MTV with possible summer reruns. And yet, somehow, despite looking like a complete moron on T.V., you're STILL with him! Loyal simply isn't a good enough word to describe you Heidi. I think the word “lapdog” hits it right on the money. And NOW, to prove your devotion and love of dog biscuits, you’re marrying HIM! I bet your momma is proud and really, all of womankind salutes you for being the fresh face of feminism and empowerment. Brava.
I’m twittering with excitement about your upcoming marriage! That is if “twittering” means having diarrhea stomach and trying to hold back vomit, tears and laughter at the same time.....then YES, I’m definitely “twittering.” (Can someone enter that word into Wikepedia for me? Thanks.) The only thing I ask from both of you is to please get yourselves spade or neutered, as a way to ....ummm.... HONOR Bob Barker’s upcoming retirement.

Yeah. That’s it.

Ok, ok, I can’t lie. To be honest, I’m afraid of the future offspring that two people, (one being a horn dog and the other being a lap dog,) both with a very high concentrated amount of douche, stupid, unwarranted self importance and saline, could possibly produce. A Corgi with body image issues who throws up every bowl of Alpo she’s ever eaten? A pit bull who will try to dry hump your leg, hit on the hot Pug bitch next door and talk on his cell phone with his friends about the bitches he's banging ....all at the same time?
Who knows? Either way, it can’t be a good combination.

So sew it up or cut it off.

Love, Me.

Dear Celine,

What’s the French word for SON? Because I think someone forgot to inform you that YOU have a SON. Unless you want him to become the football team’s punching bag in high school, how about scheduling a visit to Fantastic Sam’s? Or, if you like that long flowing Ozzy Osborne circa 1977 type of look, how about NOT shopping for his clothes at The Limited Two? How about more plaid and less glitter? His name is Rene for goodness sakes’ and from the back, you can pretend he’s the girl you never had. But if you want to save him a few visits to the therapist’s office, some black eyes and save yourself from a “Mommy Dearest” tell all book 20 years from now, let’s butch up your son a tad shall we? Call Rosie O’Donnell stat. I believe Rosie’s got emergency sleeveless plaid shirts, a pair of Dickies, white tennis shoes, a Melissa Ethridge CD and a sweaty baseball cap that just might fit sweet little Rene.
Yes. Call Rosie. She'll probably caulk your tub and fix your plumbing for free too.

Love, Me.

Dear Pamela Anderson’s doctors,

Is it really nice to take advantage of your best customer? I know that it’s pretty much guaranteed that Pamela’s going to be on your cutting board every month from now until gravity is still in existence, but come on! Let’s not get sloppy with our work! Taking her nipples, throwing them into the air and sewing them on wherever they land is not proper bedside manner for a doctor. Even for a plastic surgeon! You should all be ashamed of yourselves. True, her nipples don't actually have any function at this point and really, they’re just a formality, but still. Not cool. Next time, might I suggest making them detachable? That way, when it gets cold or her dress is simply too scandalous for nipples, she can take them off and wear them as earrings or simply put them in her purse for later use.
Just a suggestion.

Actually, you know what? Scratch that. The more I look at her picture the more I’m enjoying the fact that one nipple can almost be her Adam’s apple. Next time, when throwing her nipples into the air, throw them near her face, sew them on and tell her that they’re brand new, “high fashion” mole implants. She’ll think she’s cool and no one else will notice because, really, who has looked directly at her face since 1992?
Nicole Ritchie, that’s who:

And from the looks of Nicole, we now know instinctively not to look Pamela directly in the face lest we want to have that chic Ethiopian look about us. Complete with disentended belly. Actually, I think we can blame Nicole's distrubing belly and pterodactyl feet on Paris.
In fact, let's blame everything on Paris.
Who thinks Global Warming would stop if Paris just closed her gap?
Show of hands.
(Wow. I'm taking digression to all new levels today aren't I?)

Anyways, blah blah, Keep up the good work Pamela's doctors!

Love, Me.

Man, sometimes I just cannot shut up. Sorry about that guys. I don't know where my "off" button is. Have a great weekend everybody! And if anyone cares, I'm suffering SEVERE Madonna withdrawals and have brought back my Madonna blog: "Kiss Me Mrs. Ritchie" for self medicating purposes.
Everyone is more than welcome to watch my sickness grow to beyond disturbing.


karaoke queen said...

Wooooo, that picture of Nicole is frightening!!!

Gotta feel bad for Rene. Can't do much about it when your mama's a crazy who starts dating her manager (who happens to be like 3 times her age at that point) at the age of 15. Crazy just starts the conversation.

Webmiztris said...

I have no idea who spencer OR heidi is. I'm so proud of myself!! I wish I didn't know who nicole ritchey was either. wtf is wrong with that girl? not five minutes after she gains some weight and starts to look normal again, she goes right back to the disgusting anorexic look!

jali said...

The "global warming" line was pure platinum! If I throw it into conversation, I'll give you the credit.

Have a great end of the week 2 days when we try to fit everything in.

Oh - please keep talking on and on. We love it!

Miss-Informed said...

THEY ARE ENGAGED??!!!! Unbelievable. I wonder if Lauren will be attending? Doubt it. I think Pamela Anderson done what most plastic surgery doers do. Go way to overboard. They get good results at first and then think,"Hey, I bet this will make me look better."
Stupid girls.
Soon they will mimic the looks of that of an inflatable doll.

Madonna said...

Spencer and Heidi... whoever: Yeah, I think spaying and neutering them as a tribute to Bob is a great idea.

In fact, I think all annoying couples should be spayed and neutered on the 15th to pay homage to Bob!

Celine's "son": That's a boy?

Pamela's "assets": Typical breast enhancement - results in crooked nipples.

Just more proof of why you shouldn't let doctors fuck with your boobs.

Elaine said...

karaoke: can you even imagine if Celine was your mom?? I would be penning a book by the time I was 6!

Webmiztris: yeah, I'm a sorry ass that watched The Hills show on mtv. That's where Heidi and Spencer are from. At this point I think Nicole is just a walking bladder on a stick.

Jali: thanks jali! I'm glad someone likes my run-on mouth! LOL!
have a great weekend too!

miss-informed: GURL. yes! Can you believe it??? I mean, Heidi is taking stupid to whole new levels. Apparently she doesn't even talk to lauren anymore. We just have to wait for the drama next season...

Madonna: yeah, I put that tribute to Bob just for you. :D

Anonymous said...

this was a CLASSIC flf! i laugh just about every time i read one, but i hadn't laughed this hard since you posted that pic of lindsay lohan's shaved cooter and made some of the most beautifully apt observations--it was satire of the most literary sort. whatever you took that gave you diarrhea of the brain? buy more.

Riss said...

Holy fuck that's a boy?

Great, at least we'll know who to blame when he's dancing around in smeared lipstick and trying to sew himself a bodysuit made from other people's skin.