Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Ugly Mother Fugger

This post was inspired by Jali's go blame her.

There's this new movie coming out with Katherine Heigel, called "Knocked Up." From what I gathered from the preview, she supposedly gets knocked up by a "party animal" type of guy during a one night stand...and of course, the hilarity ensues. Because there's nothing funnier than a chick who will put out on the first date AND not be smart enough to double up on the protection. My sides ache from laughter (and my cup of sarcasm runneth over.) But I digress...
Anyways, the ridiculous plot of the movie is not my point here, my point is that the character that gets knocked up looks like this:

The "fun loving" party animal that knocks her up looks like this:

Sure he was funny in The 40 Year Old Virgin but otherwise..would you ever IN YOUR LIFE hit that mess?? He looks like he would have week old Dorito bits in his beard. I WOULD say "in what bizarro universe could THAT guy ever land a hot chick like Katherine Heigel???" but sadly, the Hollywood producers have repackaged and repackaged the "hot girl, fug dude" theme so many times in the media that lo and behold, we are in bizarro world. There are a ton of real life "hot girl, fug dude" couples running around. There's nothing wrong with this at all mind you, if a girl loves a guy who's less than perfection physically but is caring, sweet and smart, well then go for it. In my book, that's an attractive guy anyways. Most girls have a tendency to give fug dudes a chance if they have an awesome personality while most guys (notice I say "most" and not "all"...Politically Correct Me is working overtime on this post) usually give a girl a physical once over and decide yay or nay. (Or, if there's slim pickins', drink until she becomes a yay).
So whatever, that's a fact of life right? And I guess it is, but it doesn't annoy me any less whenever I see Axe commercials or previews for cinematic genius movies like "Knocked Up." It sucks that guys are told to look for a girl who has it ALL: looks, brains, personality, ability to cook, great in bed, nuturing, gets along with your momma, is incapable of getting fat, etc. etc. etc. and don't settle for anything less! Whereas women are told, "Holy jeebus if you're not married by X age, everyone is going to think something is wrong with you. Not married (or married/divorced) by 30?? You might as well have leprosy. No one will want you. So let's speed this up you old hag...look there's a somewhat nice guy! So what if he looks like a low rent Joey Fatone? Marry him now."
It's almost EXPECTED for women to have lower expectations than men. As if there's no way that a guy can ever be a "whole package." Personally, if I was a guy, I would be offended by that notion.
When guys are picky with their women, he's being smart and holding out for the right woman. When women try to look for the same thing in a man, she's automatically deemed as difficult, crazy, high maintenance and everyone secretly thinks, "She must be a total bitch." or that you take meds and live with your therapist (or 10 cats).

I think it is perfectly possible to find a doctor who is handsome (Hi Alyson!) or a good looking rock star who's a perfect father (hi Shannon) even a ex-nuclear engineer Navy dude whose arms resemble that of tree trunks (I married that guy..Boom chicka wah wah!Give a midget a high five!).
Women should not be labeled as an uncompromising whore for passing on an fugly dude to search for a good looking nice guy with abs that are visible through his shirt. I don't see anything wrong with that.
and really, it not that he HAS to be physically good that's not it at all, because we all know that there are good looking douchebags out there that you would happily give a jar of SARS to..(I don't even know if you can contain SARS in a jar but it kind of just run with it), it's the whole concept of "settling for less" thing that doesn't sit well with me.

A wise woman once said:
"Don't go for second best baby."
..and then she said some other things and grabbed her crotch.
Can we really question that kind of wisdom?
I think not.

So the moral of this post is ummm..: don't settle and I want more mancandy on television!! Because if Hollywood can just throw me a bone now and then, you would've been spared from this pointless midget rant.
So blah blah blah ...this was just a really long introduction to my Man Candy Hump Day!!!Because if Hollywood won't supply it to you ladies, then by God, I will!

A toast to all the picky bitches of the world!

It's really no wonder Stella Got Her Groove back....

Yes, I know he's dirty and infested with fleas but damn....give ol' boy a shower and he can talk me into anything:

Bye Bye MOLE!!! wait...that's not how the song goes?? This is dedicated to my friend Jenessa who met this hot bitch last week! She got to talk to him and touch him! Good thing I wasn't there, he would have been violated.

I would so wear a strap on for this guy. I know I posted him before but damn, I loves me some Gyllenho.

This is dedicated to fellow blogger "Elle The Pirate" ..she's had a bad week and I thought a dirty Julian McMahon would make her eyepatch flip. ;p

There's no God huh? One look at the perfection that is Shemar Moore and I BEG TO DIFFER. Good job God.

He used to be on the real world..probably dumb as rocks but damn...those abs would help me tune him out.

I'm jumping on the Anderson Cooper bandwagon because he causes mental and physical orgasms. And the conservative types are always the freaks in bed. I'd wear a strap on for him too.

Oh Angie...really you need to stop stalking me...please..please...lets not do this in front of other people.

and finally...the ultimate of all sexy...the man that makes me wish I could buy a in home cloning kit: (drum roll)

Oh James.
One day technology and test tubes will bring us together!


Webmiztris said...

enrique.... MMMMM, tasty.

I don't understand how getting knocked up by some doof looking guy on a first date is supposed to be funny either. I guess I'll have to watch and see. she must have been REALLY

Tug said...

oh my holyHELL, my eyes love you.


Jenessa said...

Thanks Elaine...I love my Enrique...ahhhhh I'm still on a high!!!

Miss-Informed said...

Finger lickin' good...I especially find you slippin' Angelina in the "boys team" hilarious. I agree that there is not a thing wrong in not settling. Infact just the opposite.
Got that?

jali said...

Oh shit!

My name appears on one of the greatest weblogs of all time as an inspiration!!!!!!!!!! (breasts are growing perceptably taut and moistness begins to develop in very cute panties.)

Loving the cuties today!

Kristi said...

James Dean was definitely the hotness. And we know Mr. Cooper plays for the other team, yes?

SHADOW said...

Damn You! How could you have known that I recently had a sex dream of Taye Diggs? Uh!

Thanks for this post; I've been feeling really lonely lately and I figured that at this point in my life, I would have no choice but to settle. Thanks for keeping me damned well picky. But gosh is that really what I am because I want someone good?

I can't believe I just said that. I don't want anyone, I'm good.

Again... Damn you!

Madonna said...

"Knocked Up" only further cements what I've said for years: Hollywood is toast.

They're out of ideas. They can't come up with good films. All they can do is remake shit, give us 1,000 sequels, or lay eggs like "Knocked Up".