Friday, January 05, 2007

My sarcasm overfloweth out of my phallic shaped cup. FLF: The All Male Revue.

Dear Brandon,

In the beginning, I wondered Brandon. I wondered why the Hollywood starlets would clamor to hang out with your pimply ass. (I assume it HAS to be pimply right? what with all that Vaseline that seems to magically emanate from your pores.) Until I saw these pictures! And NOW…well now, I no longer wonder why you’re such a ladies man! How dare you hide that goldmine of a body under the cloak of clothing? I highly recommend that you go the Matthew McConaughey route from now on and just go shirtless everywhere you go! Lord knows we have enough six pack abs in Hollywood. I personally tire of it and long for men who have whale like stomachs that have patches of curly hair growing to and fro. Like a beach ball with mange! HOT. I also love how your 24 hour, bacon grease sheen highlights your well defined man boobs and accentuates your plump rolls. Top that off with your Eddie Munster style eyebrows and I’m just smitten I tell ya. SMITTEN.

Call me.
I’ve got a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich with your name ALL over it.

Love, Me

Dear Tyrese,

As it seems that your cowardly assholeness knows no bounds, I have been inspired to create a Holiday Wish, just for YOU. I know its late, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

“I wisheth upon you urine that cometh forth thick, like moisturizer, and scalds thine wee wee. I hopeth that thine balls shall succumb to the pleasures of elephantitus and that with due time, your entire crotch will be engulfed with ravenous crabs that multiply each time you scratcheth thee and grow thrice as large when you attempt to apply medication. May an evil acupuncturist stuff a thousand rusty, used syringe needles that he foundeth on crack alley way up thine urethra. When you are whisked away to the confinements of jail for your evil deeds, I wisheth upon you a behemoth of a partner by the name of Earl whom is strongly opposed to showers or brushing his one black tooth and whom takes pure joy in placing his skidmarked skivvies upon thine head as he makes you his bitch twice a night for an eternity twofold.”

Oh and I hope you burn in hell.

Love, Me.

Dear Channing Tatum,

Unlike sexy Brandon Davis, you my friend, have to put your shirt BACK ON. No one really wants to look at those silky smooth abs or that rock hard chest.
Those hip muscles that lead down to the promise land? Disgusting.
The half lidded bedroom eyes?
The luscious plump lips that look as sweet as cotton candy? I literally have to choke my bile down.
I normally wouldn’t even put you on the same page with my hunk of meat Brandon, but the forces must be working against me today because your personal masseuse has a.......the. ummm.....the stomach flu! Right!
She has a stomach flu and she is most certainly NOT bound and gagged in my basement. So I GUESS I have the unfortunate job of massaging you this week. It’s going to take all my strength not to dry heave continuously while I rub lotion on your disgustingly fit body.

Gross. You and your masseuse owe big.

Why no, I don’t have any experience as a masseuse.

What are you trying to get at?

You make me sick.

Love, Me.



J. said...


You? Funny as hell as usual.

Softball Slut said...

Brandon is the hottness. how did you find out the smokin bangin that is Brandon?


Anonymous said...

Holy fuck... LUUUUUUUUUST.

Those are some nice abs. This is what men must feel like when they see a chick with a nice rack. If I had a penis it would be high noon on the sundial.

phlegmfatale said...

Boy, you pegged it- Brandon is a colossal greaseball. OH, and that's not a 6- 12- or even a 24-pack-- that's a pony keg. What a useless excuse for a man.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm, I don't know who this Tatum is, but you can bet your ass that I will be looking on the internet in about 5 seconds.

And Brandon. Why do the ladies love you??????? I don't get it. You'd slide right offa him!

Leilouta said...

How To Tell The Davis Brothers Apart

Kristi said...

I don't know who that guy on the bottom is...but there's something about his jeans that's wrong, wrong, WRONG. Between the abs and pouty face and the one elf ear, I'm thinking not so much.

Look at how shiny his skin it's he's made of wax. That's it...he looks like he's made of wax.

But you're right about Brandon. That's the hotness up thar.

Miss-Informed said...

My my my...I am lovin' this Channing Tatum. Yummy! I would be his masseuse anyday. As for Brandon, yuck!
Tyrese comes as a suprise. Bad, bad man.

Miss Misery said...

That's so funny lol Brandon Davis is disgusting!

I'm bookmarking you :)