Michael Jackson Looks Normal Today.

All this work has been sapping my creativity lately, I haven't had time to practice my accordion and therefore Operation World Domination Via Polkadonna has been put on hold. I can feel your disappointment, but fret not, I will be warming up my polka fingers soon enough. Meanwhile, HAPPY CANDY DAY!!! Here's some Halloween randomisity fo yo ass...

I'm not dressing up this year. I was going to dress up as a Geisha but decided against it since A.) I'm only passing out candy this year and B.) I did a lot more "talking" about what I was going to be than actually "going out and getting the costume." and C.) I'm much more excited about Madelaine dressing up and going trick or treating. She's dressing up as her best friend Gunter (our dog). When she was asked what she wanted to be, she pointed to the 101 Dalmatians costume and said she wanted to be "Donger" (Gunter). So she's going to be Gunter this year. Crazy mom will be taking a million pictures.
Oooh. crazy mom. That's a good costume idea. Lemme see, what would you need? An SUV with the honor roll bumper stickers on the front AND back of it, PTA Rocks! T-shirt with child's picture on it, high waisted shorts that go down to ones knees, Peggy Hill short crop haircut and a sexually deprived husband...

My best Halloween costume ever was being Lorena Bobbit in college. I "fashioned" a penis out of play doh, stuck a plastic butter knife at the end of the "jagged" shaft, put it in a zip lock bag filled with blood and wala! I smeared some blood on myself and around my mouth a tad (indicating that I used both teeth AND butter knife on that bad boy) and wala!! LORENA BOBBIT!!! I wanted Brad to wear jeans with a blood stain on his crotch but he refused, something about people thinking he was dressing up as a woman who got her period...Spoil sport.

Remember those cheap costumes for kids that was like a plastic bag with a corresponding mask? I think I wore a witch one a long time ago and it SUCKED. On paper, it seems like a good idea. If the mask was of Frankenstein let's say, the plastic bag thingy would have a graphic of old tattered clothes. It was cheap, easy and got the message across. (I'm Frankestein - now give me some candy) But the plastic costume was hot as hell and wasn't really flattering with that "one size fits all" straight bag cut it had goin' on. The eyeholes would cut into your face and you couldn't see shit out of it and never mind the little "airhole" they thoughtfully poked into the mask with a needle. After about a half hour of wearing that death trap, you would A.) have to wear the mask as a hat, which made the plastic bag part pointless because no one knew what the hell you were OR B.) Die of suffocation.

My favorite Halloween candy are the REAL candies (chocolate) that are miniaturized (think Reeses' peanut butter cups, Snickers, Kit Kats.. you get the idea). My least favorite are the ones that ONLY come out during Halloween. You know the "assorted bag" from an unheard of brand with candies that were the size of an atom. They also have simple names for the candy like "Strawberry Chew" with a "creative" picture of a strawberry on the candy wrapper that's already half-opened right out of the bag. Even better when the people passing them out give you ONE. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate any FREE candy I get (cuz I'm third world FOB like that) and eat it with abandon, but one day, I wouldn't be surprised to get one that's actually a rock or has a glass shard filling in it. Nice. That's why WE WAIT til' we get home to eat the candy kids, so your parents can go through the candy and make sure they're safe to eat. (ie: steal the chocolate and leave the kids the black licorice chew and candy corn...)

The bestest Halloween memory I have is when my best friend Judy and I bravely decided we would walk up to the big mansion on the hill (mountain) that was right by our neighborhood. First of all the "driveway" was just a paved path up to the house and it was about two miles of extreme steep with wildlife surrounding it.) Second, there were no lights on the way up and we distinctly heard coyotes rustling in the corners of the unpaved sides of the driveway. When we finally made it up, the owners of the house were so impressed that we climbed up there. They were also happy to have someone come knocking on their door because they WERE giving out candy. And when I say CANDY. I mean regular sized chocolate bars!! As big as they were, my poor chocolate bar never had a chance.. I don't think it even made it to the bottom of the hill before I was licking the wrapper.

One time I dressed up as William Wallace at the office (I loved Braveheart and I wanted any excuse to do my William Wallace impression outside of the bar...). My mistake was putting on his patented blue war make up because everyone at the office just thought I was an Scottish Smurf.

Now if you'll excuse me, a peanut butter cup is beckoning me to come release it from its foil wrapper confinement.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!