Friday, October 27, 2006

Dear Blogger: KISS MY ASS. Love, Me.

Dear Naomi,

Day turns into night, Paris uncovers a new STD every month, Nicole’s toilet eats more than she does and you will throw a beat down (and your Blackberry) at anyone who looks at you sideways. It’s what keeps the world turning and I personally find your violence quite refreshing. In a day where everyone hides behind “manners” and “self control,” you’ve tapped into your inner mental patient and have no shame in head butting the help who loses your jeans (cocaine) in the wash or biting drug counselors who dare tell you what to do. But before you call Merry Maids for your next sparring partner or bludgeon your gynecologist with your laptop, I would like you to turn your attention to one, Ms. Tyra Banks. She’s royally pissing me off on ANTM. Please gnaw on her flabby grandma arms for throwing out my girl A.J. for not “wanting it enough”, beat her head in with your Ipod for then saying my favorite, Caridee “wants it too much” and please claw out her eyeballs and use them as olives on your next salad, for continuously sucking on Jaeda-man’s dick and keeping “dead eye” Eugena on for this long.
Please Naomi.
Do that for me and then afterwards, I will release you so that you may continue your rampage of eating babies and kicking the disabled.

Love, Me.

Dear Mariah,

I did not want to have to write you a letter this soon Mariah, but ummm, a little birdie told me you only sold 4,000 tickets in Hong Kong huh? A tad embarrassing since that person you called a “has-been” sold out her tickets to every one of her shows in several minutes. What a shame. Promoters even said that they would have cancelled anyways due to your “unreasonable, last minute demands .” Which makes me ponder, what did you demand from the fine folks in Hong Kong? Donuts wrapped in bacon? A pastrami and pie sandwich with a side of Fried Coke? A hot dog sushi? I really hope you didn’t request stir fried Panda dumplings accompanied by a tall glass of Ovaltine shake. I told you they wouldn’t go for that. Or perhaps they saw that your entire concert wardrobe consisted of mini skirts and tube tops from Forever 21, in a size 2, and decided that would induce group vomiting at the concert hall. Regardless, my condolences on your cancelled concert….and that dress….and that overworked girdle you’re wearing. Condolences all around.

Next time, have a concert for a bunch of Hindus, at least they consider cows sacred.

Love, Me

Dear Ashley,

I know, I know….Daddy loves Jessica more! Daddy ALWAYS sleeps with Jessica! Why does Daddy caress Jessica’s boobs and not mine? How come Jessica gets all the French kisses?
It’s obvious that Father Joe withholding the inappropriate love has scarred you, what with the surgeons offering you a Michael Jackson combo (complete nose removal AND a free Clorox facial) for being such a great customer. It must be tough. Seriously, I'm weeping for you..on the inside. But really, that’s not what this letter is about. I’m writing you because I’m deathly afraid of that butt that’s growing out of your chin. Are you aware that a derrière is spouting from your face? You could have had the butt cleft before but I get the feeling it was overshadowed by the hook that used to be your nose. Will you be a dear and schedule your disturbing stair step of a chin for your next slice and dice?


Love, Me.

Dear Clay,

Damn girl, I forgot to include you in my Fugly Fan Letter Friday last week! How could I have overlooked the fugliest queen in the closet.....(unfortunately, you're in there with Tom Cruise, that short stack is one HOT bag of nuts). So anyways, better late than never right? So here goes....(ahem ..clear throat..ahem..)

Your hair is disturbing. Your wonky eye disturbing. Your wierd, "I got testosterone shots just so I can grow some red hair stubble on my face" is disturbing. The way you morph into KD Lang and Kathy Griffin all in one blink is disturbing.

All in all, You're entire being is distrubing to behold.

That is all.

Love, Me.

Blogger LOST my clever ass hell FLF post that I wrote this week; therefore I had to rush job this piece together for you fine people! (I remembered some of the cleverness that I wrote, but not all of it...) So please excuse the suckage of the post, I'm not nearly as clever on Friday afternoon as I am on Thursday night smoking some.....I mean...Uh...

Die Blogger. DIE!!!!!!!

Yeah. That's it.

Everyone else can go have a nice weekend!!!
Class dismissed.


D said...

That may be the scariest photo of Clay I have ever seen.

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking for a long time but actually snorted aloud with the Simpson thing ... there's no doubt Preacher Daddy Simpson was the Original Man in Jessica's life. No doubt.
I love Fan Letter Friday - thanks!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Clay rhymes with gay. Coincidence?

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Did ms Aiken actually say in public he gets testosterone shots?!?! HA!! Clay has got to get a new public appearance coach if he wants to pretend he's hetero. On Larry King Live he couldn't look more gay if he climbed on top of the desk and tongued Larry down.

NeverEnough said...

You gotta love Naomi - that girl can throw a beatdown!! And yeh, Clay is soooo gay.

Miss-Informed said...

Clay Aiken/KD Lang! Too funny! Love it the second time around.

Kristi said...

Oh snap, girl. This one is rrrruuuff. So you know I gots to contribute:

Naomi - oh no you di'int wear that shirt in public. Somebody's going to get the 'pretty' beat off her face one of these days. Not naming in names. Naomi.

Mariah - You've got to love Mimi. It takes a lot of guts for a plus sized woman to keep on flaunting her junk.

Ashlee - Oh Ashlee...what to say? I think they might have put your leftover nose into your chin without telling you. You might want to look into that.

Clay - Keep doing your thing, girl. I don't care what anyone says, once your boobs grow in you're going to give Lindsay Lohan a run for her money.

Lovely post, Elaine. I hope you don't mind that I joined your hate-filled diatribe.

PS - Wordpress is where it's at. Two turntables and a microphone...

Kristi said...

Any. I meant 'any' names. Duh.

karaoke queen said...

Ah Naomi. Well you know who to call if you want someone hit over the head with a phone or given a bitch smackdown. Girl errrr power.

Anonymous said...

Shut up!

This post doesn't approach suckage - you are my brilliant 'Pino girl and I have a girl crush on your mind.

Love the post!

Softball Slut said...

Lurve your diatribe! You is funny.
Mooriah - needs to wear an xl like she should

Naomi - Keep on Smackin

Clay Gaiken - Are you sure they werent giving you estrogen shots instead?

Asslee - You are pretty, but you are still a poser and please stop ruining Skechers.

That is all, thank you

Riss said...

So funny, I just bitched about this last week to Geo and Tony. ANTM is so damn politically correct they're afraid what will happen if everyone left is white. News flash, Jaeda is not cute. Most men are more feminine than she is. Eugena is a mess too. And the twins are sweet and all but blehhhhh. Also, Anchal needs to stop yapping and get on the damn treadmill.

Kris said...

I *heart* Naomi...and not just because I'm scared of her.