Dear Blogger: KISS MY ASS. Love, Me.

Dear Naomi,

Day turns into night, Paris uncovers a new STD every month, Nicole’s toilet eats more than she does and you will throw a beat down (and your Blackberry) at anyone who looks at you sideways. It’s what keeps the world turning and I personally find your violence quite refreshing. In a day where everyone hides behind “manners” and “self control,” you’ve tapped into your inner mental patient and have no shame in head butting the help who loses your jeans (cocaine) in the wash or biting drug counselors who dare tell you what to do. But before you call Merry Maids for your next sparring partner or bludgeon your gynecologist with your laptop, I would like you to turn your attention to one, Ms. Tyra Banks. She’s royally pissing me off on ANTM. Please gnaw on her flabby grandma arms for throwing out my girl A.J. for not “wanting it enough”, beat her head in with your Ipod for then saying my favorite, Caridee “wants it too much” and please claw out her eyeballs and use them as olives on your next salad, for continuously sucking on Jaeda-man’s dick and keeping “dead eye” Eugena on for this long.
Please Naomi.
Do that for me and then afterwards, I will release you so that you may continue your rampage of eating babies and kicking the disabled.

Love, Me.


Dear Mariah,

I did not want to have to write you a letter this soon Mariah, but ummm, a little birdie told me you only sold 4,000 tickets in Hong Kong huh? A tad embarrassing since that person you called a “has-been” sold out her tickets to every one of her shows in several minutes. What a shame. Promoters even said that they would have cancelled anyways due to your “unreasonable, last minute demands .” Which makes me ponder, what did you demand from the fine folks in Hong Kong? Donuts wrapped in bacon? A pastrami and pie sandwich with a side of Fried Coke? A hot dog sushi? I really hope you didn’t request stir fried Panda dumplings accompanied by a tall glass of Ovaltine shake. I told you they wouldn’t go for that. Or perhaps they saw that your entire concert wardrobe consisted of mini skirts and tube tops from Forever 21, in a size 2, and decided that would induce group vomiting at the concert hall. Regardless, my condolences on your cancelled concert….and that dress….and that overworked girdle you’re wearing. Condolences all around.

Next time, have a concert for a bunch of Hindus, at least they consider cows sacred.

Love, Me


Dear Ashley,

I know, I know….Daddy loves Jessica more! Daddy ALWAYS sleeps with Jessica! Why does Daddy caress Jessica’s boobs and not mine? How come Jessica gets all the French kisses?
It’s obvious that Father Joe withholding the inappropriate love has scarred you, what with the surgeons offering you a Michael Jackson combo (complete nose removal AND a free Clorox facial) for being such a great customer. It must be tough. Seriously, I'm weeping for you..on the inside. But really, that’s not what this letter is about. I’m writing you because I’m deathly afraid of that butt that’s growing out of your chin. Are you aware that a derrière is spouting from your face? You could have had the butt cleft before but I get the feeling it was overshadowed by the hook that used to be your nose. Will you be a dear and schedule your disturbing stair step of a chin for your next slice and dice?

Thanks.

Love, Me.

Dear Clay,

Damn girl, I forgot to include you in my Fugly Fan Letter Friday last week! How could I have overlooked the fugliest queen in the closet.....(unfortunately, you're in there with Tom Cruise, that short stack is one HOT bag of nuts). So anyways, better late than never right? So here goes....(ahem ..clear throat..ahem..)

Your hair is disturbing. Your wonky eye disturbing. Your wierd, "I got testosterone shots just so I can grow some red hair stubble on my face" is disturbing. The way you morph into KD Lang and Kathy Griffin all in one blink is disturbing.

All in all, You're entire being is distrubing to behold.

That is all.

Love, Me.


Blogger LOST my clever ass hell FLF post that I wrote this week; therefore I had to rush job this piece together for you fine people! (I remembered some of the cleverness that I wrote, but not all of it...) So please excuse the suckage of the post, I'm not nearly as clever on Friday afternoon as I am on Thursday night smoking some.....I mean...Uh...

Die Blogger. DIE!!!!!!!

Yeah. That's it.

Everyone else can go have a nice weekend!!!
Class dismissed.