Thursday, August 31, 2006

Cuz' is Friday.. you ain't got no job.. and you ain't got SHIT TO DO!!

Dear John,

This is completely Travolting..(hahaha! get it!?!.. it's really REvolting, but with an added twist of his last name!!! I know, I know!! Knee slapper.) I always figured you had a thing for hairy pickles, I mean, Kelly Preston does have a tranny, "tuck and tape" look about her.. but now I see that you and Tom are on the same page (closet). I guess this could very well be an innocent smooch, a way of thanking your Pilot for that very private viewing of "Snakes On A Plane," but next time, I recommend just giving him a tip. Or you could easily be doing your good deed as a Scientology samaritan and curing him of his gingivitis via mouth to mouth probe. We all know Tom's urine cures cancer, maybe your spit kills germs that causes gum disease! And maybe you go even a step further, being the Scientology samaritan and all, and conduct, at-home colonoscopies with your Scientology approved colonoscope (the aforementioned hairy pickle).
Jeesh, now I just feel silly for jumping to conclusions John. I am so sorry. I completely lost my head there for a second. Anyone can take one look at your piercing blue eyes, and manly chest (boobs) and know that you're totally a top.. I mean, a man's wait, STRAIGHT.'re straight. So keep on kissin' on and show that gingivitis who's boss!
You're a saint.

Love, Me.

Dear Brody,

I am proud and delighted to see that you've gone the Angelina Jolie route and adopted yourself a little ethiopian girl. I'm glad that you took that poor little girl out for some ice cream. I've seen many pictures of this girl eating smoothies, snow cones and coffee while she's been with you and bravo to your efforts Brody.
But, sadly, I still can't see her.
Those sunglasses are the only key evidence to know that she actually exists in the physical world. (Which, another thanks for holding her up, as I know those Chanels must be weighing her down heavily.) Why not try introducing her to solids? I would start slow though, maybe some mushed up rice or gruel. Next, she has to put it in her mouth, chew and swallow. Also, while she's swallowing, you might hear an odd creaking noise and see some cobwebs and bats coming from her mouth. Don't panic. Remember, its been quite some time since her throat has seen any action...well, except for a few hairy pickl.......never mind.
And NO going to the toilet for at least an hour or two after she eats. Because I can assure you that the grunts and splashing you hear when she's going to the bathroom isn't because she has a bad case of diarrhea.
You're a saint.

Love, Me.

Dear Matthew,

Still no shirt?
Just checking.
Keep up the good work!

Love and drools, Me.

Dear John,

Well congratulations you fugly bastard, you scored yourself a ......well....something that sure likes to keep her mouth open wide. Damn. Double congrats on that!! Can you please stuff it with your Oscar Mayer Wiener now so we don't have to hear her talk, sing, mumble or breath? It's a good thing you're getting her at her last few minutes of pretty dumb blonde, because she's on the fast track to her "rode hard and put away damp" phase of her life. I see smeared mascara, 15 lip injections, alchohol crusted hair, therapy for being "daddy's favorite" and Tara Reid as her BFF in Jessica's future. Just remember this is temporary. Tag dat ass while Joe Simpson isn't looking John. Hurry! Joe can bring down the thunder on you for messing with his girlfr....daughter. (He's still pissed off that Nick got dibs on her virginity.)

I read someone's comment that said you look like Andre the Giant in this picture and I have to look wierd and bloated. As if its not really you .....but a John Mayer costume of some fact....Oh my God!.....
Mr. Simpson is that YOU!?!?!?!

You sly dog.

Love, Me.

HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND EVERYONE! I'm actually going on a VACATION with the hubby!! Yes, I know. I nearly forgot what "vacation" meant. We're going to San Luis Obispo for some rest, relaxation and to meet up with my good friend Debi and her man. My daughter is spending the weekend with her Uncle Dwin and Auntie Neen, who have generously, if not enthusiastically, offered to spend labor day with their niece. Thanks guys!!!!
My hotel room has wireless internet so hopefully I'll be able to blog the days events of this weekend.

Debi, me, some spirits and karaoke....stay tuned.


karaoke queen said...

Have a great time on your vacation!! Hope you'll still be posting your usual gut cramp inducing posts. Love the pic of the Travolta. Yikes!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Stranded at the drive-in...
Branded a homo...

Enjoy your weekend trip.

Superstar said...

IAI suggested your sight. Just love the pics!

Miss-Informed said...

Why is Jessica with Shrek boy? She digs Beauty and the Beast now? Major step back...
And what is up with the overkill fake and bake? Nothin' like that shiny orange glow...

J. said...

'congratulations you fugly bastard'
I don't get it either.

Kim said...

Hope you guys had fun in SLO!

And yeah, the Jessica Simpson FLF is the best one yet. I can't stand her or her grunting, breathy songs.

jali said...

"....adopted a little Ethiopian girl."

That's the funniest shit!

Hope the weekend with cutie pie was great. I'll stay tuned.

CP said...

You're just hatin' because Travolta's tits are bigger than yours.



NeverEnough said...

Every single one of these were too fucking funny. I look forward to your throw-downs every week!!

Hope you had a kick-ass vacation...