Saturday, August 12, 2006

101 posts!?!? When will this bitch SHUT UP already!?

I totally overlooked the fact that I have had 100 posts and I posted it on my birthday! What a kawinky dink! But I was obviously way too excited about the Polka fun that's about to drop on my doorstep. (TODAY!)

So wow.. 101 posts! 101 posts of pure crapola that comes out of my head and emits through my typin' polka playin fingers. But I do not have a big grand 101 post to make you cry, laugh and question the meaning of life. Nope. I sure don't.. what I DO have is 101 things you really really want to know about me.

(I just heard all of you leave ....)

1. I have a serious Napolean complex. I have to have everything over the top, big lifted cars, a big husband (heh), big big big...and if there is a stage, I'm the first one on it and if there's a mic, you couldn't pry it away from my midget grip. I even stick my hand in my shirt when I pose for photos. Its a sickness. Truly.

2. I've never gotten a mani/pedi because I freak the hell out when someone other than my husband or daughter touch my feet or toes for a significant amount of time. So I have clean albeit short butchy nails and toenails.

3. I have AWESOME skin.

4. I have even better boobs.

5. My mom had FIVE children and does not have ONE stretch mark on her. I was pissed when I got them during my pregnancy.. (damn the Caucasian husband and his big Viking genes...) but guess what? They went away. I LOVE YOU MOM!!

6. My parents go everywhere together. ALL THE TIME. Even the grocery store. Yet, they constantly talk to each other as if they haven't seen each other in years. I used to go with them when they would go to Las Vegas and for the entire FOUR HOUR drive, they would be non-stop talking to each other. What could you people possibly be talking about??

" the funniest thing happened to me today..."
"Yeah, I know, I was there remember?"
"oh yeah."

7. My parents are awesome and my family is so normal that it's not normal.

8. I was born in the Phillippines and moved to the U.S. when I was 7. TO KANSAS. My parents waited 10 years to be able to come here legally (yes, I KNOW. that's rare around these parts...) so their kids could have a better life and more opportunities. (I told you they were awesome.)

9. My first boyfriend was named Ray and he looked a lot like Fred Savage, if Fred Savage had a Roman nose.

10. I've known my best friend Judy since the second grade. We made mudpies together, had a band together and obsessed over New Kids together.

11. I looked for a job I could do at home, gave up my Jeep and made cuts in our budget, so I could stay home with my daughter. It was the best decision of my life.

12. My daughter smells delicious.

13. My husband looks exactly like the guys I used to draw on my folders in High School. (huh Judy?!?!) Who knew God was taking a peek at my blueprints?

14. I'm sickeningly optimistic. I have a crazy childlike belief that I will eventually get everything I ask for in life.

15. Before I pay for or order anything, I make sure that I can reach the ATM swipe thingy without having to go on my tiptoes to see the numbers. If not, I make the husband do it. (Oh the trials and tribs of a midget...)

16. I HATE RATS. One time, in our first scuzzy apartment, I thought a cat had gotten inside and was on the window ledge (it was dark). I poked it so that it would come out of the blinds and much to my horror, IT WAS A RAT!! I bolted back to my bedroom to summon the man, screeching and sharting myself the entire time.

17. I'm scared of the dark.

18. I got a mohawk because I thought it looked cute on Naima on America's Next Top Model. Sadly, after cutting my hair into a mohawk, I realized that a Naima I wasn't.

19. I met Matthew McConaughey on the set of a lame movie called Tiptoes. He's even cuter in person and seeing his ass in khakis was a religious experience.

20. I believe that Angelina Jolie's hotness is not of this world.

21. For a short girl, my legs are awesome. My torso is the one to blame for the shortness. I have a reward for anyone who can find my torso. Its been missing for quite some time.

22. Salma Hayek's body in the movie Dusk Til' Dawn, is the body I want (curvy NOT skinny) and something I aspire to every time I get on that damn Epilepsy machine.

23. Everytime I say Elliptical it comes out as Epilepsy.

24. I could eat Orange Chicken and Rice ALL DAY.

25. My favorite New Kid was Donnie Wahlberg. My least favorite was "long-faced" girlie lookin' Jon.

26. I was with my last serious boyfriend for 4 and a half years. He hates me now. I wrote to him recently and apologized for my past behaviour. No response. Its bugging the hell out of me that we just can't bury the hatchet.

27.When I think of sexy, I think Elvis. I don't care if he got fat in the 70's, in the 50's and 60's he was all kinds of hotness that no one could ever compare to. He naturally OOZED sexy, with no effort.

28. I am never without my bra. I wear them from the time I wake up to the minute I go to bed.

29. I cradle my boobs when I'm sleeping for support and run cold water on them to keep the skin "tight."

30. I've got serious issues with my boobs.

31. Nothing is more disappointing to me than a guy with a good body and a little neck. It creeps me the fuck out. As if his face got photoshopped on a different body or something.

33. I don't like sleeping naked in bed because I'm afraid unseen things will crawl up my coochie.

35. I will stay in bed when an earthquake occurs and will only get up if it lasts for more than a minute or if it feels like its getting stronger. Otherwise, I snooze away. Nothing is more frustrating than making a run for the door jamb or table when you're half asleep and by the time you get there.. oh yeah... earthquake over.

36. I pick up accents in a week and can mesh in with the local yokels by a month.

37. I'm a real estate agent now so hurry up and buy a house.. or sell your house.. or get a refi.. or a home equity loan. come on.. hook a sistah up.

38. I would like to meet the man/woman who invented the epidural and kiss their feet. Lamaze Schlamaze! Gimme the drugs! stat!

39. It's Madonna's birthday today.

40. I'm embarassed to admit that I really like Justin Timberlake's new song Sexyback.

41. Whenever I see a kid who's a "goth" or an "emo kid", I want to make them cry so their makeup will smear.

42. Boys wearing girl's jeans is and will NEVER be okay. NEVER.

43. In 2000, when everyone was terrified about the end of the world, I wasn't worried because I married a guy who once went camping with fishing line, salt and pepper. He killed a squirrel with a rock, used its guts to catch a fish, made a fire to cook the fish and managed to live quite comfortably, Swiss Family Robinson style, for a week. so yeah, end of the world? sure. Bring it on.

44. In order for me to "camp," there has to be "room service."

45. I DETEST being late and I detest people who are consistently late.

46. It took me 5 times to pass my driving test because I couldn't parallel park my Mustang. I couldn't see the end of the hood AND I was already sitting on a pillow!

47. The first time I got drunk was my senior year in high school, during our trip to Mazat Lan. A lot of Tequila Sunrises.. a lot.

48. In the midst of my drunk week in Mazat Lan. I participated in a wet t-shirt contest and lost because I grabbed my crotch and flipped off the audience when they chanted at me to take off my shirt.

49. I'm already bored.

50. Three's Company is my all time favorite show. Madonna songs and Three's Company helped me perfect my English.

51. I love the smell of brand new paperback books.

52. I can't cook for shit. My best friend is the microwave, frozen dinners and my chef (husband).

53. I would kill and mame innocent bystanders for a Cinnabon.

54. I met Jenny McCarthy at a book signing. She signed my book, "From one Playboy Playmate to another. Love, Jenny." That woman is both funny and perceptive.

55. I HATE DOING THE LAUNDRY. But I don't mind washing dishes.

56. My friend Debi has the worst luck with dating but I secretly love it when she dates wierdos because it makes for such a good story the next day. Seriously, click on the link, she's had a few doozies.

57. I love to type because I love hearing the clickity clack of the keyboard. I HATE the new keyboards that don't make the clickity clack noise. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing as much.

58. I type 90 words per minute with no errors.

59. After getting pregnant, my underwear began to annoy me and I've been pretty much commando ever since. Prior to this, I was quite the thong connossiuer.

60. The very sight of Usher or Mariah Carey causes me to dry heave.

61. I tap my fingers at an annoying rate of speed when I'm nervous, anxious or bored.

62. I hate anything having to do with spit, snot, lugies or boogers in any way shape or form. If I witness someone doing a "snot rocket" I will automatically projectile vomit with no warning.

63. I always know when I've had enough to drink by feeling my cheeks. If they're numb. Its time to stop.

64. My favorite drink are blue Hawaiians.

65. My dream job is to be one of those Travel Channel hosts that travel around the world and try out the food, the hotels, etc.....Or be Madonna's bitch. Whichever opportunity arises first.

66. Kathy Griffin and George Carlin are my favorite comedians.

67. I can watch the movie "Friday" over and over again, I know every single line and my husband and I use at least one line from that movie on a daily basis without even really trying.

68. I am comforted but easily bored by routines. If something disrupts my daily routine, it takes a moment for me to unbunch my panties and roll with it.

69. I have a hard time understanding people who have no desire to travel, explore, meet new people, go to new places or dislike Circus Peanuts.

70. Circus Peanuts are heaven in a cellophane bag.

71. I love to read and will read almost anything... after sniffing it. (see number 51).

72. I'm not a fan of science fiction novels or romance novels with those long haired Fabio types in the front. I will only read them if I've already read everything in the house.. including the back of the shampoo and conditioner bottle.

73. The Lion, The Witch and The ZZzZZZZzzZZ (wardrobe).. is quite possibly the most boring book I've ever read in my life.

74. I forgive friends easy but I do make mental notes on what I can "expect" or "can't expect" from that friend.

75. Books, friends and coloring are my therapy. I'm highly protective of my friends. Their ex-boyfriends can attest to that.

76. I think its a tad bit arrogant to think that we are alone in the entire universe, where we are but a speck of salt. Go ahead, take a gander at our universe.........really? You think we're ALONE?? E.T. Phone home bitch.

77. I've learned that just because someone "likes Madonna" it doesn't necessarily mean that its on the same level of "like" as me. Except when they're gay.

78. From now on, I will always bring a gay man (Hi Joey!!) with me to a Madonna concert.

79. My feet are size 5. Finding shoes that I like and that are in my size is a full time job; however, I fit into children's shoes with little to no effort. So if you see me with light up Sponge Bob tennis shoes ..just pity me and walk away.

80. I just found out today, after avoiding the scale for a week, that I'm five pounds away from my goal. Woot woot!

81. My burps have the same sound and resonance as that of a 6'5 tall, beer guzzling trucker.

82. I don't think being a mom comes naturally for me, (I read a lot of books and welcome a lot of advice and two cents) but so far, I think I'm doing a damn good job.

83. Potty training is harder than Algebra.

84. I truly believe my husband's ass has a "enhancer" from which regular gas is enhanced with the smell of hot garbage before escaping his buttcheeks.

85. I have no idea why men think farts are hilarious. Chuckle worthy sure, but hilarious? Not really. Especially when you are the recipient to the ass perfume.

86. I hate all those guys from the Jackass shows. I've met that little midget and he's a creepy fucker who thinks he's some kind of pimp. OH and he has a BIG GIANT ass that belongs to someone named Laquisha.

87. When I state my opinion, I merely trying to explain why I'm RIGHT and you're so incredibly wrong.

88. I think some cartoon characters are hot. My list includes Superman, Gaston (the bad guy from Beauty and The Beast), Kronk from Emperor's New Groove, and the prince from Cinderella.

89. I hate politics but I do tend to lean to the right a little.

90. I think anything tastes better deep fried. Slather on some gravy and that's some gourmet shiat right thur...

91. a typical day for me starts at 6:00 am, where I have my coffee and catch up on my email or work from the day before. Maddy wakes up at 645 am or 700 am and the day is made up of potty training, coloring, dancing, watching Charlie & Lola, and going to the gym (for me the gym, she gets to go to the playroom). in between all that, I try to work and do the boring stuff like "wash dishes" or "clean the house."

92. I cut out toxic people from my life immediately. They're usually depressing, full of crap.. and bright green. So they're real easy to spot.

93. I have a wierd dimple that appears under my right eye when I laugh.

94. I have flat feet.

95. My husband and my daughter also have flat feet.

96. In the sand, our feet impressions look like the Flintstones.

97. I think when my parents found out they were pregnant with me, they said, "OOPS!"

98. Judy and I used to do soap operas with our Barbies, but they would "rap" their lines the entire time.

99. I can't believe you read all the way to 99.

100. I can't believe you're still reading this...

101. I love you.


J. said...

Holy Fuck!!!

Okay, I got to 15. I'll come back later. Gezus girlie.

But I did catch the "I love you" and I'm taking it, even if I didn't do my part.

Bite me.

Laurie said...

HAHAHAH miss J!!! I read the ENTIRE fucking THING nonstop! I ROCK!!

Way to go on the 101st post!!!

Now get to makin' a bitch a polka mixed tape.

J. said...

Elaine, email me at kissmequikly at gmail dot com. I have some funny shit to send you.

Laurie, you can bite me too. Show off.

I read four more though ... gettin' there.


CP said...

I read each and everything and nodded my head to most of them.

Oh girl. We'd be famously friends if you lived closer!

And, as a bonus, for sharing the love of the Goddess who is Madonna...I give you THIS for her birthday.

Have fun!

word ver: bghugfk

big hug fuck?


J. said...

I read them all!
I read them all!

Where the hell's my prize...

(oh, and CP stole my email lurve ... nasty chick)

(but I also have one other FAT pic or Britanny for your rippage)

Elaine said...

J: Come on! You only stopped at 15? The shit gets stinkier at the bottom. :D

Laurie: TROOPER girl! TROOPER. But I don't expect anything less from a pirate with a whole lotta booty.

CP: Oh I think the world would implode if we were to get together as the sheer magnitude fabulousness could not be contained in one room. and THANK YOU for the Madonna link. LOVED. IT. :D

Elaine said...

J: Come on! You only stopped at 15? The shit gets stinkier at the bottom. :D

Laurie: TROOPER girl! TROOPER. But I don't expect anything less from a pirate with a whole lotta booty.

CP: Oh I think the world would implode if we were to get together as the sheer magnitude fabulousness could not be contained in one room. and THANK YOU for the Madonna link. LOVED. IT. :D

NeverEnough said...

Oh dear God I love you!! Half of these things I understood completely. Now I need to go back and re-read the this post. You are awesome Elaine! Seriously.

Judy said...

I read all 101 things...and I found out even more weird things about you. By the way, in pictures you also put your hand in other people's shirts; I have one with your hand in my shirt, perv.
I love you, too!

Kim said...

I also read all the way to 101. I love you too. :)

I like the Blue Hawaiian comment. We have a tradition here at work that whenever we travel to a trade show, the first drink of every night must be a big huge gay blue drink with an umbrella. It's funny to watch Keith at 6'5"/240 lbs. drink a blue drink.

You are seriously missing out on pedicures. Just be like me and ask them not to rub/"massage" your feet. I hate that shit.

jali said...

Outstanding shit!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

BRILLIANT. All of it. Made the last 20 minutes of work go by in a snap. Thanks.


ps JT's song SexyBack is hype, yo!

Softball Slut said...

33. I don't like sleeping naked in bed because I'm afraid unseen things will crawl up my coochie.

ME TOO!!! Had a scorpion to close to my nana when I was naked at 20, never took off my underwear again except in the shower. If I take off my underwear and set them down, I have to check them thoroughly before I put them back on.

And I read all 101