Tuesday, July 25, 2006

BUY One God, get the second God FREE! Act NOW and get a 90 day pass to Heaven!!!


Mormons come knocking on our door quite often. And quite often, they're very polite when I tell them thank you, we practice a religion. I wish them well as they they bike off into the sunset. We have a good relationship, those Mormons and I.

Until this past weekend, when yet, even more Mormons knocked on my door. That's fine, I thought. I'll give them the ol' "thanks but no thanks" line and they will go along their merry way.

However, on this Saturday, I was visited by the religion pimp himself, who besieged me with religious pamplets and fast talkin' Heaven/Hell jive. I could see that he would stop at nothing til I was equipped with a ten speed of my very own. Instead of smiling and walking away, he planted himself on my stoop and asked me what religion it was that I practiced.

Okay, really quickly...the reason I don't talk about religion almost never to almost no one is because I think we can all agree THAT bitch is a touchy subject and everyone gets all feelings and shit. (I almost didn't want to post this blog because of that) I feel religion is VERY personal and to me, is right up there with sex. Do I come knocking on YOUR door asking YOU what sexual position YOU prefer and would YOU pretty please consider converting from missionary to doing it doggy style? Here's a pamplet with more information. Thanks!

See how inappropriate that would be?
I feel the same about religion.

..on with the story..

So I smile very sweetly and tell him we're "struggling Buddhists".. (meaning we do try to actively practice the religion, but of course, we have our times where the Dalai Lama acts like he doesn't know us...he's SO sensitive sometimes). I braced myself for his religion sales pitch and he didn't fail to live up to my expectations.

"blah blah blah, see the pamplet, blah blah blah, nothing about Buddha, blah blah, YOU KNOW Buddha isn't God (I know THAT TIE BOY.. if you would read more than your toilet paper pamplets, you would know Buddha never proclaimed to BE God! Idiot.. I mean...ommmmm. ommmmm......ommmmm...see? STRUGGLING Buddhist...),
"blah blah, blah...spiritualism is the devil's hand or some junk like that..." on and on he went, and wraps it up with a smile and an invite to visit his church. I can see that he's almost convinced that I was going to run upstairs, put on biking shorts and finish off the religion rounds with him on my daughter's tricycle.

So I ask the four words that shuts his pie hole...for a bit...

"What if you're wrong?"

blink.
blink.

"What do you mean?"

"What if you're wrong?? What if you're touting the wrong belief and the Muslims are the ones that have it right all along. OR! (gasp) WHAT IF SCIENTOLOGISTS are RIGHT?!?!?!?! What then? L. Ron Hubbard would be laughing at us from his spaceship wouldn't he? Silly mortal vessels poisoned by alien seeds we would be."

blink.
swallow.
(he smiles at his companion who pretty much gives him a, "this is all you bitch" look)

"Well, ma'am I have faith in my religion."
"That's great, but I'm not challenging your faith. I think you can still have faith in your religion and your beliefs AND still be open to the fact that there is a teeny tiny possibility that maybe your religion isn't entirely accurate."
Okay, what if Buddhism isn't right?," he challenges.

(PUHleese. You think you can turn the game around on ME? Shiiiitt. I OWN the dice, the board and Boardwalk biznatch! )

So I say, "Good question. I don't know if Buddhism is right. Buddhism doesn't even know if they're right. What I do know is that Buddhists believe that if the path you choose helps you to become a better person to others and be closer to God, then who are they to say you're wrong? They embrace all religions because Buddhists have already admitted that THEY DON'T KNOW and therefore, they don't argue the details. They don't claim to be right or be THE religion to believe in, in order to be "saved." They go past that argument and focus more on the silly little "do unto others.." bit. Silly bald fat men and their strange ideas...(fake laugh)."

Now again, I must stop and explain myself. I normally hate spouting off my beliefs to people who don't straight out ask me about it. Especially this type of guy, who I'm obviously not going to convince to be a monk anytime in the near future. I didn't want to belittle his religion, I didn't want to convert him, and hell, he made some very insightful points that I could agree with. I did however, want to open up his mind.. just a little. Air out the cobwebs and what not because A. I think its rude to come to MY door unannounced and B. proceed to tell me how WRONG I am on the religion that my family has chosen! His tie began to look like a fancy noose begging to be pulled.. but then I remembered "ooommmm...ommmmm"

Homeboy Dalai woulda been proud.

So long story short. I explained to him that there is one thing we both know FOR SURE and that is, neither of us know who's right and who's wrong (and the fact that I could orgami the small pamplet he gave me into a small throwing dagger..but I didn't tell him that........). I continued to tell him that leaves us with respecting each others beliefs, no matter how different they may be, and hey at least we can agree that we both believe in a God.

It was the nicest "fuck off" speech I have recited in my life.

He thought I was crazy and obviously I'm going to hell along with the entire country of China....even though HE was the one biking around town in 100 degree weather with a dress shirt on. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some Mormons, but I am not pleased with the religion pimp from Saturday.

Next time that happens, I've decided not to go into a religious tizzy anymore. Because honestly, its tiring and it makes me hungry for bacon. If they insist on browbeating me about their religion, I will just have to browbeat them about the benefits of doggy style vs. missionary.

That's only fair right?

15 comments:

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

HA! Thats awesome.

I'll answer your questions if you answer mine first - What are your 3 favorite sex positions?

If I could grow the balls I'd love to use that line.

J. said...

Ha! You with the religious freaks, me with the telephone idiots.
We need 'no soliciting' signs.

That was an awesome 'fuck you' speech and girl, I totally agree with everything you said.

And to each his own, right?

QUASAR9 said...

Is that like a special California style offer, buy one boob and get the second one free. hummmmmmm or is it ohhhhmmmmmm or is it hummmmmm

Since all who enter here bend over willingly, I thought you must all be praising Ra (or is it Rama)?

Have fun, laters...

Kim said...

Hey, give the poor Mormon credit... at least was was wearing a SHORT SLEEVED dress shirt. :P

"Are you prepared for Jehova's return? 'Cuz if you're not..."

Miss-Informed said...

YOu know you were tempted to rock the bicyclists look and peddle your way to Heaven!

NeverEnough said...

Loved this post!!! Right on! And actually, the only reason I kind of like my Thai step-mother is because of her beliefs and her Buddhist religion. Every single thing you said in this post about Buddhism is correct, only I couldn't have written anything the way you just did.

Damn good job!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What's Bhuddism? You don't have to stop eating meat or anything. Do you?

Leilouta said...

Yea, I never understood that either. I am Muslim, a bad one obviously , so why do some friends even bother giving me a bible as a Christmas present? I am not even reading the Koran, am I not going to start with the bible now?

Leilouta said...

I will email you about NKOTB.Thank you so much :) I am excited!

Fish on you!

Elaine said...

idighootch: oh come on, you got bigger balls than Mormons right.. Plus I hear all that bike riding does a number on the boys... :D

j: Yes, definately to each his own. I'm all for sharing your faith, but really if someone says they already have a faith, I think its arrogant to keep pushing yours.

quasar9: I thought that was a Paris Hilton special??? ;D

kim: LOL! Friday References fit every occasion does it not??

miss-informed: Oh I was tempted to go.. really.. I was....okay, not really.

neverenough: Thanks girl! and hell no I don't mind if you blog roll me!! I shall be doing the same! :D

LBB: I think that's Hinduism.. where the cow is sacred? I THINK. There are some Buddhist sects that do limit meat eating. They have to meet with certain criterias..kind of like eating Kosher food. But the monastery we belong to aren't uptight on eating meat.

Leilouta: AAAH, youre a Struggling Muslim like I'm a struggling Buddhist. LOL!

mae mae said...

we've had mormons come to our door before. once we were busy baking and they realized this as soon as we answered the door (we were covered in flour, lol) and they asked if they could come back at a better time and of course you can't say no to a simple request like that so we said sure. guess when they decided to come back?????? easter sunday around dinner time. my dad answered the door that day and got kinda shitty with them. they never came back.

karaoke queen said...

I encounter the same problem here in Osaka believe it or not. Alot of foreigners that you meet randomly here that are friendly end up being religious and inviting you to their yada yada bbq/party/dinner with friends which ends up being some church function where everyone asks you quite personal questions about your beliefs. I also told her that I was buddhist (I think its the 'religion' that comes closest to my beliefs - also struggling with those). I told her that I wasn't offended or anything by her being Christian - go Christians - rock out, but I also respected everyone elses personal choice in religion and that I wasn't interested in changing mine. Strangely enough, she never called me back after that.....hmmm....apparently I was only good enough to hang with when being converted.

djmetronome said...

I'm a pretty big fan of "reverse-cowgirl" and "spoon"...but I digress...(btw, those are my religious preferences, not posistions...I just like to give religions dirty names)

well played...i love fucking with the door-to-door god salesmen..

coryandfarah said...

Next time just try asking them about celestial marriage (it's not just the Scientoligists who get to live in outerspace!) and that usually shuts them up right away. For some reason, they always forget to mention that in their pamphlets. ;) Gotta love the Mormons though...

We all have our belief systems and ways of life; some of us keep it to oursevles and others get all preachy about it. I think you have the right idea about when not to share your faith and most of all respecting our differences. Dalai would definitely approve! Interesting post, Elaine! :)

Some Random Girl said...

I have a "NO SOLICITING" sign on my door and it never fails...I always get the JW's and the Mormons. OBVIOUSLY, they do not read well! Go AWAY!