Friday, June 09, 2006

The STD video, a walking mummy, a frozen chicken? Don't worry! Its only Fan Letter Fridays!!!!

The pictures are big but the letters are somewhat uninspired. Who can concentrate when one must go to the grocery store and get a copy of People! Shiloh Jolie-Pitt exclusive pictures are out today.... you understand.
Okay, I'll be honest my dear readers, my brain needed a kickstart this Friday and even then, its only on idle. So I wrote letters to the usual suspects (easy targets).
HEY! Even I'm entitled to an off day right? I mean, that Celine Dion clip alone is proof of that.

Dear Paris,

I always try and avoid writing you a letter because...well..I know you can't read and having syphilis causes some blindness right?
Regardless, I decided to break my own rule and write you a letter because of THIS "VIDEO". I'm thinking you're rich enough to hire someone to read this to you slowly, so here goes.
First, I dry heaved for four minutes watching this craptastic piece of shite that was a sorry rip-off of Chris Isaac's Wicked Game video. Except Chris Isaac's video was actually sexy and I don't think any crabs were coming out of Helena Christianson's crotch trying to find their way home as she rolled around in the sand. And really, only you can make a palm tree look like a stripper pole because your classiness cup overfloweth.
For a few minutes, I was even thinking, "oh wow! First you do Carls' Jr. and now a Valtrex Commericial.. good for you!" until I heard you screeching (singing). But like a trooper, I sat through it because....well... I kept hoping that the guy in the video would drown you.
But alas, he didn't.
Now I gotta go get checked out because I may have possibly gotten herpes from just from watching the damn thing. I'll send you the bill.

Love, me.

Dear Nicole,

You're another one I avoid writing to because you shouldn't be wasting time reading letters. You should be eating your body weight in chili dogs EVERY DAY. Stop throwing water at the paparazzi skeletor, that bottle looks like it weighs more than you. I'm surprised your arm didn't snap off, (although that would have been handy to wield at the paparazzi like a bloody samurai sword). I don't think the paparazzi is even taking a picture of you because you're Nicole Ritchie anymore, they're taking a picture because everyday you're looking more "campy".. as in the concentration kind. Its like a watching a mummy come to life. You can't help but be amazed that it's ALIVE. I think they were actually going to throw you a sandwich at some point, but I heard that when you ran out of water, you started slicing them with your retractable collar bone and your hot rack of ribs.
Next time you want to avoid the papparazzi, here's an easy trick...turn to the left or right.. TADA!

"Where did Nicole go???"

Thank me later but eat this letter NOW.

Love, Me

Dear James,

I love your song. I do. It's a sweet, albeit somewhat high pitched, in a "someone's stepping on my nuts"kind of way. I'm sure Miss Supermodel Petra decided to hook up with you for your beautiful voice (big penis) and talent (money). But is it really wise to go out with a woman who looks like she could beat you up ..with just her left boob?
And hey, here's an idea. Tanning bed. As Laurie would say, Please Utilize. Petra's tan is making you look like a frozen chicken.
Otherwise, high fives geek. You scored.

Carry on with the beach frolick.

Love, Me.

Dear Guardians of Jessica,

Please do not let the mentally challenged dress themselves. She's giving mermaids and shower curtains a bad name with this ensemble.

Love, Me.

Yeah, this post sucks. I know.

Don't touch me.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!


Miss-Informed said...

Yippee I get to be the first one to bend over willingly! Sorry, but I don't agree! I loved the post! You always have such a way with words. Quite the comedian! I thoroughly enjoy your stuff- today was no different!

J. said...

And yeah, WTH is up with that poor little Nicole? Holy shit she's scary these days.

Debi said...

You know I was gonna contact Sally Struthers about poor little Nicole, but then I realized - hey, why don't I just feed Sally to Nicole. Then we'd fix two eye sores at once. Hell, there'd even be enough left over to feed Lindsay, the Olsen twins and any starving African children that the Pitts decide to adopt when Shilo's old news.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I can't help loving her.

Riss said...

That supermodel is hot though. I can't believe he's not wondering what she's doing with HIM. Some guys are just so stupid.

popfizz said...

first: dont pick on pale white guys with scraggley hair ...they (I) dont appreciate it. but thank you for the compliment on our gargantuan penises.

second: is it just me or would you assume that the last place Petra would like to be with a boyfriend is in water???

djmetronome said...

I'm amazed at the blunt/petra combo...what in gods name did he drug her with to get her to like him...and how can I get some.

Jerome in Houston said...

This is the funniest gaggle of crap I have ever read!!! Glad I stumbled on the blog. Love it!!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Funny, I have a shirt thats exactly like Ms. Hilton's, only mine says "eat sandwiches, not Paris"

Elaine said...

miss-informed: well thank you madam. glad to know that i'm still pleasin' some of the people, some of the time...

J: Nicole has gone to the bad place. She's gone to the Auschwitz place.

Debi: eating sally struthers would seriously be messy but that woman could probably feed a small african country for a year.

LBB: I know you can't. I don't hold it against you. Just don't touch her. She doesn't look too kosher.

Riss: Seriously. Petra is hot. I'm fairly sure James knows he couldn't score a Petra had he not been he's taking full advantage until his 15 minutes are up.

popfizz: pale guys with scraggly hair and big penises rule the earth dontcha know. blunt is a fine example.

DJ: I thought I already gave you the formula that Blunt uses. A money/penis cocktail. Shaken not stirred.

jerome: Helloooo Houston! Glad you likee! Come back soon!

idighootch: I have a shirt that says "Club Paris, Not Seals"

Some Random Girl said...

I love your blog but I keep getting damn pop ups everytime I visit. What a pain in the ass!

Some Random Girl said...

I watched the Paris Hilton video and if I closed my eyes it didn't sound too bad but when I opened them, my eyes started bleeding and I think I felt some crabs running around on my leg! Oooooo! Now I have to go quell myself!

Alyson said...

hahaha, even if it's an off day (whatever) it's still FUNNY AS HELL.

karaoke queen said...

Unfortunately I an a blind people with the reflection off of my legs girl. Poor Blunty is just working what he has! (Sigh - I need to get famous so I can show my fishbelly legs in public)

Shannon Bieger said...

That Paris video was embarrassing. Worst lip syncing ever. And I laugh that she used the word "confidant". I wonder if she can spell it. And her movements were so freaking awkward. I don't think that male model knew what to do with her.

ROFL your ENTIRE Nicole Ritchie letter. OMG hilarious.

Butchieboy said...

James Blunt? I hate that guy.

Kim said...

Wow. Petra is moving on from Bruce Willis to James Blunt? Ummm...OK?

And ROFL to popfizz's comment..."is it just me or would you assume that the last place Petra would like to be with a boyfriend is in water???"