The pictures are big but the letters are somewhat uninspired. Who can concentrate when one must go to the grocery store and get a copy of People! Shiloh Jolie-Pitt exclusive pictures are out today.... you understand.
Okay, I'll be honest my dear readers, my brain needed a kickstart this Friday and even then, its only on idle. So I wrote letters to the usual suspects (easy targets).
HEY! Even I'm entitled to an off day right? I mean, that Celine Dion clip alone is proof of that.
I always try and avoid writing you a letter because...well..I know you can't read and having syphilis causes some blindness right?
Regardless, I decided to break my own rule and write you a letter because of THIS "VIDEO". I'm thinking you're rich enough to hire someone to read this to you slowly, so here goes.
First, I dry heaved for four minutes watching this craptastic piece of shite that was a sorry rip-off of Chris Isaac's Wicked Game video. Except Chris Isaac's video was actually sexy and I don't think any crabs were coming out of Helena Christianson's crotch trying to find their way home as she rolled around in the sand. And really, only you can make a palm tree look like a stripper pole because your classiness cup overfloweth.
For a few minutes, I was even thinking, "oh wow! First you do Carls' Jr. and now a Valtrex Commericial.. good for you!" until I heard you screeching (singing). But like a trooper, I sat through it because....well... I kept hoping that the guy in the video would drown you.
But alas, he didn't.
Now I gotta go get checked out because I may have possibly gotten herpes from just from watching the damn thing. I'll send you the bill.
You're another one I avoid writing to because you shouldn't be wasting time reading letters. You should be eating your body weight in chili dogs EVERY DAY. Stop throwing water at the paparazzi skeletor, that bottle looks like it weighs more than you. I'm surprised your arm didn't snap off, (although that would have been handy to wield at the paparazzi like a bloody samurai sword). I don't think the paparazzi is even taking a picture of you because you're Nicole Ritchie anymore, they're taking a picture because everyday you're looking more "campy".. as in the concentration kind. Its like a watching a mummy come to life. You can't help but be amazed that it's ALIVE. I think they were actually going to throw you a sandwich at some point, but I heard that when you ran out of water, you started slicing them with your retractable collar bone and your hot rack of ribs.
Next time you want to avoid the papparazzi, here's an easy trick...turn to the left or right.. TADA!
"Where did Nicole go???"
Thank me later but eat this letter NOW.
I love your song. I do. It's a sweet, albeit somewhat high pitched, in a "someone's stepping on my nuts"kind of way. I'm sure Miss Supermodel Petra decided to hook up with you for your beautiful voice (big penis) and talent (money). But is it really wise to go out with a woman who looks like she could beat you up ..with just her left boob?
And hey, here's an idea. Tanning bed. As Laurie would say, Please Utilize. Petra's tan is making you look like a frozen chicken.
Otherwise, high fives geek. You scored.
Carry on with the beach frolick.
Dear Guardians of Jessica,
Please do not let the mentally challenged dress themselves. She's giving mermaids and shower curtains a bad name with this ensemble.
Yeah, this post sucks. I know.
Don't touch me.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!