Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Ain't Got a DAH-AAAAM Thing...

OH whatever do I blog about on this fine Tuesday Morn?

Should I blog about the old troll who opened the door for me at Barnes And Noble, but since her hearing aid got clogged with Ben Gay and old lady earwax, she didn't hear me say "thank you" and then proceeded to yell, "THANK YOU!!" at me about two times before I realized that no, she wasn't a parrot, nor was she mentally challenged, she was just bitter that Jesus Christ had turned her down for a date and was taking it out on the world around her. Saggy Biatch.


Should I blog about how our Beta Fish, 50 cent, is on his last penny? He's swimming around in this awkward, sideways angle that he can't quite control. "Fiddy" used to swim up to the glass and puff out his gills like a straight up gangsta whenever I used to feed him, as if to say, "Bout' time biotch! Drop the pellets and serve me before I smack a ho!" Now he just kind of lays at the bottom and looks at me briefly as if to say, "OH..its YOU again.. yeah, I'm not eatin that shit anymore, it needs more salt. Can I get more salt next time? While you're at it, can you get the nurse, my bedpan is full and my back hurts. Oy, I need more pillows. And close those goddamn curtains, it hurts my eyes. Will you be a dear and massage my corns?"
Poor Fiddy.
The countdown to Fish Heaven (toilet) has begun.


Should I blog AGAIN about how I love me some Japanese people? Check out Engrish. com and Osaka Daze for more gold nuggets like these:


Maybe I should blog (shamelessly promote) about how we just got a boat and that our charter fishing business is unofficially open? ("Officially" open when we get our business license and Brad gets his Captain's license). "Private Charter Fishing without the Private Prices!" or "Fight the Fish, not the crowd!" Services include fishing with Master Hillbilly Fisherman (my husband) who will teach take you out fishing for whatever you desire, caters to amateurs and professionals, offers classes for the kiddies (and the parents) on how to fish, as well as clean and cook your catch for you right on the boat. (Quite the renaissance man isn't he?) Let's not forget his entertaining, yet disturbingly loud short wife who will be harassing you (patting you down) for the money before you step foot on the boat. (Seriously, if any of you are in San Diego or plan to vacation in San Diego, and want to schedule a fishing trip, email me ...I GUESS I can give my readers some kind of discount or at least a free bag of Cheetohs for the trip. One bag per customer please.)


Maybe I can be a comment whore and ask you fine readers to leave a comment, fully describing how my Joyce Dewitt/David Cassidy hair in my "Like A Virgin" dramatic reading, has you shivering for more and dreaming about me at night.

You have been.

Admit it.

I was under your bed last night.

What's with the crunchy socks and the oddly shaped massager???


Debi said...

Dont' touch my massager, I need it for medical purposes. I'm clinically deprived.

djmetronome said...

the beta aint dying he just hasn't been "laid" in a while...get him some socks and he'll be fine...

although I'm not a fishing type...I will check it out should I find myself visiting some of my DJ friends is San Diego...

Miss-Informed said...

Come on, that is just an over sized ear cleaner! - That has a fun little vibrating tickle to it. Makes cleaning the ears "oh-so" enjoyable!

**That is completely awesome your husband is doing that, our fam. loves to fish...if only we didn't live so far away we would make use of the blogger's benefits!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'll tell you this much, Elaine. Janet from Three's Company was HOT, HOT, HOT.

Fuck Chrissy. Janet kick-started puberty for me.

coryandfarah said...

Playboy shoes, Pepsi shoes, and the special food you enjoy when you're having fun--when you live in Asia long enough, Engrish becomes a part of everyday life. It's funny to see "Hot Bowel Rice" though! Somebody needs to get a dictionary!

Funny post, Elaine! Oh, and sorry to hear about 50 Cent. My condolences. But moving on to bigger fish in bigger bodies of water, good luck to you and your husband with the new business! How exciting for you guys. How big is the boat, by the way? My Dad and I like to go fishing...

Elaine said...

Debi: uh yeah, I ain't touchin that monstrosity believe you me...I do think we might have the same medica condition though..

dj: even if you're not the fishin' type, I'm sure you're a "boatin around san diego, drinking a beer and getting a tan" type of guy right?.. our business caters to that too. :D

Miss-Informed: Why does your ear cleaner have all those nubby bumps around it? Does it help? Let me know. I might have to get that ear cleaner.

lbb: Seriously, we need to start a "I heart Joyce Dewitt" fan club. I love me some Janet too.

cory: oh man! I totally forgot you were in the LAND OF ENGRISH! Awesome! I love the restaurant! I wanna go there!
OH and the boat is a 20 ft. Sea Pro. Plenty of room for you and your pops. Lemme know k?

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I liked the hair. Besides, even mrs ropers wardrobe and hair shtlye couldn't supress your hawtness.

Leilouta said...

How about those beatches that are over 100 years old who talk on cell phones and drive like turtles on the left side of the road? Talk about that.

Riss said...

That Beta ain't dying it just needs more liquor.

J. said...

Very cool! Congrats on your new business chicklet.

Anonymous said...

i loved your reading of my poem! it was as good as reading about your dog's farts! but grrrlfriend, i just have to ask--

what's up with the seriously stubby thumbs? they are not proportional with the rest of your lovely self.