OH whatever do I blog about on this fine Tuesday Morn?
Should I blog about the old troll who opened the door for me at Barnes And Noble, but since her hearing aid got clogged with Ben Gay and old lady earwax, she didn't hear me say "thank you" and then proceeded to yell, "THANK YOU!!" at me about two times before I realized that no, she wasn't a parrot, nor was she mentally challenged, she was just bitter that Jesus Christ had turned her down for a date and was taking it out on the world around her. Saggy Biatch.
Should I blog about how our Beta Fish, 50 cent, is on his last penny? He's swimming around in this awkward, sideways angle that he can't quite control. "Fiddy" used to swim up to the glass and puff out his gills like a straight up gangsta whenever I used to feed him, as if to say, "Bout' time biotch! Drop the pellets and serve me before I smack a ho!" Now he just kind of lays at the bottom and looks at me briefly as if to say, "OH..its YOU again.. yeah, I'm not eatin that shit anymore, it needs more salt. Can I get more salt next time? While you're at it, can you get the nurse, my bedpan is full and my back hurts. Oy, I need more pillows. And close those goddamn curtains, it hurts my eyes. Will you be a dear and massage my corns?"
The countdown to Fish Heaven (toilet) has begun.
Should I blog AGAIN about how I love me some Japanese people? Check out Engrish. com and Osaka Daze for more gold nuggets like these:
Maybe I should blog (shamelessly promote) about how we just got a boat and that our charter fishing business is unofficially open? ("Officially" open when we get our business license and Brad gets his Captain's license). "Private Charter Fishing without the Private Prices!" or "Fight the Fish, not the crowd!" Services include fishing with Master Hillbilly Fisherman (my husband) who will teach take you out fishing for whatever you desire, caters to amateurs and professionals, offers classes for the kiddies (and the parents) on how to fish, as well as clean and cook your catch for you right on the boat. (Quite the renaissance man isn't he?) Let's not forget his entertaining, yet disturbingly loud short wife who will be harassing you (patting you down) for the money before you step foot on the boat. (Seriously, if any of you are in San Diego or plan to vacation in San Diego, and want to schedule a fishing trip, email me ...I GUESS I can give my readers some kind of discount or at least a free bag of Cheetohs for the trip. One bag per customer please.)
Maybe I can be a comment whore and ask you fine readers to leave a comment, fully describing how my Joyce Dewitt/David Cassidy hair in my "Like A Virgin" dramatic reading, has you shivering for more and dreaming about me at night.
You have been.
I was under your bed last night.
What's with the crunchy socks and the oddly shaped massager???