Friday, June 23, 2006

F.L.F baby!!!! The sluts, the sticks, and the grease....

Dear Mattel Toys,

I am writing you this letter because I disapprove of your new Posh Streetwalker Barbie Doll, (cigarettes, diet pills and giant “I’m not a star, don’t notice me” sunglasses, sold separately). I am unsure if this is actually a doll or a bobblehead figurine, as her head is freakishly large and the rest of her body is made out of gristle and bone. Also, what is with the denim underwear outfit, the “feed me” sign on her back and the description on the box stating that Posh Streetwalker Barbie is “a glamorous, has-been singer, who walks, talks, vomits and promises her husband’s soccer team a hand job if they win the World Cup?”
Don’t you think that’s a little bit inappropriate?

Love, Me,






Dear Sally Struthers,

Please help these poor starving girls from the beaches of Malibu. I don’t know when they washed up onto the shore; all I know is that they were accidentally mistaken for two pieces of driftwood, until one of them moved. The beach crowd was dumbfounded because although they moved like humans, they didn't cast a shadow. In fact, one of them got scared and hid behind a grain of sand. The other attracted a dog, who initially wanted to play fetch with her but changed its mind when it smelled death emanating from her breath. Please save these children Sally. They’re in dire need of your help or at least spare a few measly scraps of fried chicken that you keep in your purse.

Love, Me,


Dear Brandon Davis,

The only reason I know you is because you swapped STDs with Mischa Barton and Paris “Herpes” Hilton. But besides breeding crabs with these sticks, I’m extremely disturbed with the grease that emanates from your pores. What IS that? Pizza cheese oil? Does it smell like bacon or WD40? Can you bottle some up and send it to me? (my car needs an oil change in a bad way. )
Everytime I see a picture of you, it’s as if you’re a newborn fresh out their momma’s crotch. I want to take a towel, wipe you down and poke that little stick in your mouth to get out any excess bacon, cheese, WD40 grease that may have gotten caught in your throat, but then I realize you’re a spoiled, billionaire jackass, which then makes me want to take that same towel, smother you with it and then poke you in the mouth with Tom Cruises “magic wand” because…well ….frankly, Tom would enjoy it. He likes his men greasy and whatever Tom wants, Tom gets. Tom’s powers are awe inspiring and Scientology will take over the world…:obelaohgo .. beeeop oooh booop dit….dit….dit…

What was I talking about?

Love, Me.


Dear Star Jones,

I take it all back girl. Go you for sticking to your diet and workout routine. This video I found from dlist.com is simply inspiring. Rock on with your bad self Ms. Jones!!



Love, Me.

HAVE A FUN, GREASY ASS WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!

12 comments:

J. said...

Holy shit lookit that thing do the situps!
Puts me to shame ...

Debi said...

That Brandon guy - Is he a reincarnation of fat Elvis as a transvestite? He's got the bloat and the sweaty, fried banana and bacon grease glow, but those lips, those eyes... I just wanna borrow his mascara.

Leilouta said...

You should write about this glove :)

Kim said...

Yeah, ummm... that Brandon guy is nasty. I just don't get it. Can you please do your next fan letter Friday on the grossness that is Cisco Adler (Kimberly Tranny Stewart's ex and Mischa Barton's current)? Again, I just don't get it.

djmetronome said...

ouch...all the while i was laughing at the brandon dude...I was also considering styling my hair like his...I got problems =)

Elaine said...

J: Yeah! The thing even has better form than I do!

deb: you know, he DOES look like Elvis slathered in fried banana and bacon grease sandwiches...but it would look hot on Elvis...it looks repelling on him. (prolly cuz it's Paris and Mischa grease...)

Leilouta: OMG! That is fountains of material!!! Thank you for the suggestion and yes, I will write next friday!

Kim: I love you too! I totally know who you're talking about.. so far, Cisco and Paris is on the list for next Friday.

Djmetro: Well as long as you lay off the bacon grease body rub, I think it would look okay on you. :D

CP said...

You are so fuckin' funny. I can't stand it. Please promise to never stop Fan Letter Fridays? Please? It's the only thing I look forward to on Fridays...

well, except the weekend, having the afternoon off, getting my nails done, getting paid, going shopping...

but after all of THAT, it's the thing I look forward to most.

CP.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

it may be just me but I think tall skinny chicks look like aliens. they kinda freak me out.

NeverEnough said...

Wonderful as always! Elaine you fucking rock!!!

karaoke queen said...

Ya gotta wonder what those girls saw in him....oh yah, he's a bazillionaire! Gosh, how could I forget?!!!

Julie Jewels said...

OMG! That walrus is awesome! How funny!!!

truthman said...

Sorry, but Posh Barbie and the beach girls are hot. And even if they gain a few pounds in later years like most, they'll still look good while their thicker counterparts will be chubbos whose husbands are checking out the young, thin girls and fit MILFs.