Friday, April 07, 2006

My Nose Hair Hurts

I swear I had all this clever shit to say on today's post since I'm taking a break from my Madonna Ticket War. Seriously. I was gonna write about various crap that was going to make you laugh, cry, piss yourself and make you want to drink heavily. (Like you need another excuse for THAT)

Until my dog farted.

Holy Maria, Mother of Juan! I don't know what that fucker ate but the stank is lingering in the living room like it's some kind of screwed up, oil based Yankee Fart candle. I'm surprised there's not a green cloud hovering over the fucking couch. Goddamn, I'm ready to call the pound. No human being should be subjected to this kind of tortu....

Holy crap...

the dog farted AGAIN!!!!

It is a miracle I'm alive at all and that my nose is still intact. I can't even believe I'm still typing in the midst of all this stench. Now the hubby is spraying some kind of Apple Cinnamon spray ....mmmm... annnddd NOW it smells like a dogshit cinnamon roll.

Thanks Honey.

The dog fart completely made my brain circuits crash. I got nothin but dog shit on my brain. If the dog keeps this up, I might have to revert to old skool Filipino tradition and makes some Lumpia and Adobo with his stanky ass. THIS is why I wanted a small dog (small butt, small farts, small shit) or at least a dog that doesn't move much (bassett hound, practically in a coma, so his farts pretty much stay in one designated area) But NOOOO, the hubby had to get the strongest, dumbest, sweetest, most hyper doofus dog you can possibly get. If my dog turned human, he would be Lenny from that book "Of Mice And Men." His name is Gunter but my genius daughter calls him "Dong-ger." Which is such a better name for him. Absolutely nothing going on in that empty head but obviously a whole lotta crap going on in the other end. Literally.

Christ my dog stinks. He hotboxed my brains. Sorry.

All I can offer you is two new blogs I've fallen in love with this past week...(and planning to blogroll if I my website on Explorer didn't look so screwed up.. I don't want to go to my template and touch ANYTHING lest I screw it up even more....Mozilla Firefox people. My blog looks great there).

I gotta catch up on this girl's previous posts, she's HILARIOUS. And she's met Madonna! Gotta love that......Certifiable Princess

This guy takes awesome pictures! Check out the pics from when he and his wife went to Japan! So purty...and he obviously loves his wife a lot. I'm a sucker for mushy crap like that.
Check him out....Lost In California

That's it ya'll. Good vibes on the Madonna tickets is always good. I'm pretty sure that she's announcing more dates come Monday. Write to Oprah and tell her some 29 year old, stay at home mom is slowly becoming delusional and dying to have beers with Madonna and can she PUHLEEESE hook a bitch up? (run on sentence like damn huh?) I swear that woman will hook some guy up who wants to meet The Temptations,????? (I didn't even know they were still ALIVE.. I thought Oprah was going to do a seance' for that guy) yet, Ms. Winfrey can't give me a shake or her magick stick? Its wrong I tell ya.....

Have a great weekend everybody!


Mike said...

Damn that CP...outting me out on country music in the previous post comments.

But she's a helluva read and hilarious so you goytta love her.

(She doesn't necessarily need to know that though. She's all crippled up now and I don't want her dancing for joy over this comment)

Debi said...

Hey gurl, I have smelled your dog, and HoooooWeeee, it's bad. However, I have to contend that little dog does not always a little stink make. Take my Bruskie, for instance. He and Gunter would have one hell of a contest! Not one that I would want to judge or even witness, but I'm just sayin'. Anyhoo, I think it's all bully breeds, small or large. Dear Lord above, they have the greatest personalities, but help a sista out and sucker punch me the nose! I have no further need of my olfactory senses. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

i was having a shitty day and feeling grumpy until i read your blogpost. your description was so powerful i could feel my own nosehairs curling in empathic response! thanks for making me laugh at the beginning of my migraine.
anonymous in ohio

j. said...

LMAO! I can sooooo relate. My cute little Bichon can clear a room.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Damn! I hate when my dog rips one.

Elaine said...

Mike: I'm still tellin' CP on ya... LOL! She IS hilarious.

Debi: Yeah, Brutus can probably rip mean ones I'm sure. What is it with these dogs? We need to feed them rose petals or some shit.

anonymous from Ohio: Thanks for visiting! Come back soon! (THere are PEOPLE in Ohio?? wow!)

J and LBB: I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering from offensive dog smells.

Julie Jewels said...

Holy crap Elaine!!! I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe and have tears running down my face.
My boxer can totally clear a room with his gas! Man is it bad!! I've sworn it's not safe to light a match in the same room!