Thursday, March 02, 2006

Fear The Midget.

"When A Midget Gets Excited"
A poem by yours truly,

When a midget gets excited,its quite a sight to see.

A dancy jig of midget feet with shouts of joy and glee!
"Tell us little midget, oh why do you dance so gay?"
"Because I heard Madonna was going to play at Coachella today!"
Oh my word, that IS big news, whatever did you do?
"I plunked down all my cash for tickets, because I am a stalker, true!"


Within minutes of the announcement, I bought tickets to the music festival and booked my room in a blink of an eye. My plan of attack is simple: show up early and take down big giant gay men who dare park their Brazilian waxed ass in MY SPOT. WHICH IS IN THE FRONT. Back up bitches and fear the midget.(Oh and afterwards, Brad was greeted at the door with howler monkey-like screeches and the midget jig {see poem above}. Is he the luckiest man in the world or WHAT?!?!?)

Onto other news......

* My neighbors are officially tapdancing on my last nerve. Last I checked, the laundry room does not say "Welcome Entire World! Do your Laundry HERE!" Yet, EVERY week, these bastards bring an entire country's laundry to be washed at our laundry room until the wee hours of the night. I guess the laundry door must also be slathered in bacon grease because it seems to slip out of their hands and close with a thunderous bang everytime they go in there. Oh and to add to their fine smurf blue decor they also decided that it would be a good idea to build an outdoor patio ..... with particle board. It peeks out at us every morning and says "Hi! I'm here to bring the market value of YOUR condo way below what you purchased it for. Have a nice day!" I wonder if they are aware that they live next to a hillbilly gun collector who foolishly taught his wife how to shoot a Magnum BFR with frightning accuracy?? Again I say, Fear the midget! >:D

* Just saw a preview for "The Hills Have Eyes." Before seeing it, I shrugged it off as the usual "scary" movie with a pretty enticing title, but nothing to back it up. But after seeing the preview, I sharted myself (and since I go commado, it made for a horrible mess). In a nutshell, it's basically backwood rednecks dipped in toxic waste who harasses an innocent family passing through town. Its so disturbing, I might have to add it onto my Netflix list when it comes out on DVD. (because let's face it, being parents means its a Netflix night, EVERY night. I REFUSE to get anal raped by a 14 year old babysitter who charges 15 bucks an hour to babysit.) Afterwards, I'm sure I'll be double checking the toilet at night to make sure that no radioactive rednecks gnaw on my ass for a midnight snack. (the only redneck that can do that with no consequences sleeps right next to me.) I just NOW got over the stupid Chinese meowing boy from "The Grudge." Damn you meowing boy.

* Riss mentioned this on her blog and I had to make additional comments on the grossness that is the "Diva Cup." I recycle paper, I recycle cans, shoot, we're even planning on buying a Hybrid car in the future. I'm as concerned about the planet as anybody out there; HOWEVER, I draw the line at washing my "menses cup" right along with my dishes to save the environment! Tree huggers everywhere, please STOP. Stop it right now before I have to shove your dirty Birkenstocks up your arse. Having your period is inconvienent enough without having to excuse yourself from dinner to empty your "diva cup." And nice try on naming it so eloquently but let's call a spade a spade shall we? "The Bloody Bowl" sounds more appropriate. Really, if you're going to be gross enough to introduce this product, have the balls to back it up with a realistic name so we know what to expect.

* My Elvis obsession is officially out of control. Yes, I love ELVIS. I said it, so there! I love him so much that I still get the shivers when I see him performing on the Ed Sullivan show from the 50's. That man was beautiful, regardless if he got fat and disgusting in the 70's, the majority of his life, he was HAWWWWT. rowf! To honor the gorgeousness that was this man, I've decided to dedicate the decor in our half bathroom downstairs to Elvis. (totally appropriate since the man died on the pot). I have recently purchased a set of Elvis bathroom accessories (Elvis toothbrush holder, soap holder AND cup) and I'm currently browsing ebay for Velvet Elvis' paintings and a velvet toilet seat cover. Yes, my gawdiness knows no bounds. But since the rest of our condo looks decidely "adult" ..(snore")..I have to get gawdy somewhere so the half bath it is! (Again, the hubby shakes his head in disbelief and scans the marriage certificate for some kind of 'Elvis/Madonna obsession" clause from which he could then escape the clutches of the midget. Sadly, no such clause exists! MUa ha ha ha!!!)

That is all. Class dismissed. Have a great weekend!

9 comments:

Alyson said...

Ew. I read your post this morning and I had to back away and regroup before I came back to comment. What had me so disgusted? THE DAMN DIVA CUP! Ew. Ew. A thousand times Ew.

But the Elvis potty? That's classic.

Shannon Bieger said...

Woohoo! Have a blast at the Madonna concert. And I think I would kill your neighbors for sure. Particle Board. Seriously?

Now as tacky as a particle board patio is, I am ALL for the tackiness of an Elvis bathroom! We want pics of the completed room! But not while it's in use please. = D

Judy said...

Have you called your HOA about your neighbors? They can't just build a patio...if they get away with this, next thing you know, they're going to paint the outside of the condo "chinga-la-vista"* pink and green.
Your Elvis bathroom sounds great! Especially the velvet seat cover.
I saw the preview for that movie, too! OMG! That little girl with the jacked up face, eugh! SPOOKY!

Judy said...

*oh, I forgot to write the definition of "chinga-la-vista". Literally means "fu*@ the view", so anything that is so brightly colored that makes you say, "FU*@, that's bright!"

Dark Damian said...

My new nickname for you: Lilo. As in Lilo and Stitch. You're both short and have Elvis fixations. Yeah. I said it.

Leilouta said...

You're just too funny:)

popfizz said...

i prefer Elvis Costello.

he touched me recently. not in any way that i would have preferred.. but it was a touch.

(Elvis C. is one of 4 men i would go gay for, btw.)

there was a *moment* between us.

i wonder if he will remember me forever.

damn him. i know he will forget.

whatever.

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