Sunday, February 26, 2006

PART THREE: Go Snow GO! seriously, GO.

(Haven't read the carnage that led to our second wedding? well catch up already!! )
Part One
Part Two

You are cordially invited to our second wedding.
Location? Missouri.
I can hear you all in unison screaming in my ear: "DEAR GOD WHY !?!?"
To try and explain WHY we thought Missouri would be a good location would fall on deaf ears because I myself, can't believe we CHOSE to do that. But at the time, we were doing it for family (mostly Brad's). My family is more than willing to travel anywhere because that's how we roll... Brad's family on the other hand.. well, not so much. Plus his grandparents were HIGHLY unlikely to attend if we had had it in California and Brad really wanted them to be there. So Missouri it was. Le Sigh.

Date: January 2nd, 1999
Again, explanation is very much needed because why oh why would anyone get married RIGHT AFTER New Years day where, most likely, we'd be knee deep in snow? You can blame this one on the Navy. Brad had the possibility of being stationed in Washington at the time so we had to rush the second wedding. Okay, we could have know...... WAITED! .....but back then, had you told me about patience being a virtue, I would have replied, "Patience? What is this patience that you speak of??? Now get outta my way, I gotta wedding to fuck up!"
We could have moved to Washington and had the wedding after but remember, my family did NOT know that I was already married and would have had 500 baby cows if I had moved to Washington with Brad. (Now that I think about it, my parents shooting baby cows out their ass would have totally been worth seeing.. but there I go, digressing once 'digressing' even a word?...whatever, moving along...) and finally, the biggest blunder of our wedding wedding dress.

No one has seen my wedding dress after that wedding and no one will. You won't see sweet pretty pictures posted on this blog with me in my wedding dress, its not framed and lovingly hung with care in my home, in fact, I have not allowed my brain to even think about my wedding dress til' this very moment. If you accidentally stumble into my storage area and get a glimpse of this elusive"wedding dress"... I'm sorry, but I would have to rearrange some items in my storage area for your body.

My wedding dress is a whole other blog post in itself but I'll try to make a long, disasterous story into a short, albeit still painful, paragraph.

I got my dress made by a friend. She had made beautiful dresses before and in fact, had went to college with me for her Fashion Design degree. I told her the type of dress I wanted, which was similiar to that wedding dress in "November Rain" where it was short up front and gradually got long at the bottom.. not as foofy (Hey, midgets like to show leg any chance they get...) BUT my friend lived in Texas and was making my dress IN TEXAS, while I sat in California, hoping for the best. ( I KNOW. I was just ASKING for this wedding wasn't I?) I would call her every couple days or so and ask her how my wedding dress was going and she would say it was fine, going well, blah blah blah. I totally and completely trusted her. She had sent the dress to me in Missouri two days (yeah, TWO DAYS) before my wedding, so there I was, expecting a package in the mail.

Only a "package" never came.

Instead a Fed Ex cardboard envelope greeted me.

I thought.. okay, maybe this is the train of the dress? Maybe I have to put it together?
It was THE dress.
It looked a lot like a white cheerleader's outfit.
No train. No anything. It was short. The end.

I stood there with my mouth opened for hours. My poor best friend, who was also at a loss for words, was trying her best to make it seem better but all that came out of her mouth was, "bluh?"
Thank GOD that my sister in law, Sandra, was there. We made a quick trip to Wal-Mart, she got some material and "fashioned" me a train to cover my boody. (No I couldn't buy another dress because the mall was an hour and a half away and the roads had turned into an ice pop). It wasn't the best but at that point, she was Mother Teresa in my eyes.

The day of the wedding comes and my mom was not pleased with my dress; however, she could tell by the look in my eyes that this was not the day to fuck with me. I was beyond "not pleased" ...I was mortified. Brad looked great in his Navy uniform and me, well, I looked like I was going to break into a spirited wedding cheer. (I DO! I DO! Yeeeees, I DO! HOORAH!) So we got hitched again with friends and family and oh.. did I mentioned that whilst wearing my cocktail cheerleading uniform, it was -2 degrees outside?? Yeah. I couldn't feel my ass for 3 years. The wedding was quick but nice. I did double backflips down the aisle, led the audience into a rousing cheer and then took our vows ... (shhhh, for the second time). It WAS nice to share that moment with my family, Brad's family and my best friend, who was currently going to college in Mexico at the time and had come all the way to Missouri to be my maid of honor (Thanks boody!). I forgot all about my shotty wedding dress and treasured the moment..........

Right. Who the hell am I kidding?! The whole time I was taking my vows, I was wondering if Brad's grandma had a nice shot of my ass from where she was sitting! So lets wrap this shit up.

Yes, both our weddings sucked big hairy balls! (I wrote to Oprah about possibly giving us a third dream wedding but that bitch won't return my calls and really....a restraining order Ms. Winfrey?? I think someone is overreacting.)
Yes, we could have waited.
Yes, yes yes, we SHOULD have waited.
Yes, we should NOT have planned the wedding around what other people wanted.
Yes, we SHOULD have had it on Sunset Cliffs, where Brad proposed.. that would have been romantic as shit...sniff sniff...
Yes, a thousand times YES, I should have braved the icy roads and gotten another dress.
Yes, I KNOW I should not have had the wedding dress made by someone three states away.
I know, believe me I KNOW. Yeah, yeah yeah. We're stupid.

BUT if I told you right now that we were planning a THIRD wedding, I bet you guys would all line up to go just to see what we'd fuck up huh???

That's what I thought.

Sadistic bitches. go lick your fingers off, you've got Cheetoh crap all over them!


Laurie said...

Poor mama. I, too, wanted that dress in November Rain. But for a prom dress. And in green. My mom made it. I guffawed. I wore it. The End.

If I EVER find a pic, I most certainly WILL post it.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm going to renew my wedding vows -- but this time I'm going for the pre-nup!

Judy said...

Thank you for taking me back to those three wonderful days in Clinton, Misery all over again. 20 below 0, Brad's brother taking me to see where the KKK meet, trying to squeeze your boobs into your dress....ahh, fabulous!
At least you got a great story out of it and I was/am very honored to have taken part in that day.
And now for some cheese: You may not have had the "perfect" wedding, but you got a great husband.
As for your next wedding, third time's a charm.

Shannon Bieger said...

I can NOT believe you didn't share a pic of the dress. I thought that this was finally gonna be the day I'd get to see it. I'm so disappointed. Does twenty years of friendship buy me nothin'? = D

Elaine said...

laurie: What was it about that dress in "November Rain." Okay, how about this.. I'll show you mine if you show me yours....hehe

LBB: "hollah we want prenup! we want prenup!" damn that Kanye West and blatherings...

Judy: you're right. It would have been horrible had I not married the man o my dreams (more cheese) but at least we did get a funny story out of it. OMG. I totally forgot about my boobs trying to get past the waistline of that dress!! See how much I blocked out?

Shannon: I'm thinking about it....see comment I left for Laurie.

Julie Jewels said...

Bish!! You HAVE to share a picture!!!
C'mon! Please oh, please? LOL

Your wedding stories are freaking hilarious!! Please promise me I'll get invited to #3